I was ghosted by a man 2-1/2 months into dating. It was shocking and confusing. It also triggered an abandonment trauma from my divorce over a decade ago. After licking my wounds and getting back to swiping, I decided that I would clearly ask anyone I started to date to agree not to ghost. I asked them if they ever weren’t feeling it to just send me a text saying it’s been great but moving on, or later alligator. I didn’t require an explanation. I just wanted the courtesy of transparency. Every guy I dated with this agreement followed through, which helped calm my anxiety and reframe the experience.
I’ve been divorced and on the dating scene for the better part of 15 years and it is mind boggling to me how many people do this. It’s immature, inconsiderate and weak sauce. Some of these guys have had daughters. Is that how you would want someone to treat your daughter?!. Come on! It’s one text. So simple. I’ve sent them many times! 😄
I should have actually said most of these guys have been parents. Is that how you would want someone to treat your daughter or son?! Nobody deserves to be treated that way. 💜
I think there are any number of reasons why someone ghosts another person (and not all have to do with a loss of interest) - any of which could be valid, but karmically doesn’t feel right.
Being ghosted is an incredibly dehumanizing experience. It seems to be a ubiquitous and unfortunate byproduct of the shallow, transactional and disposable nature of the modern (app) dating scene that exists today where we are meant to advertise ourselves as products for consumption rather than the beautifully complex beings that we are. It’s no surprise then that when someone “isn’t feeling it anymore” for any reason that the easiest thing to do is to ghost (there’s always another product waiting!) - and isn’t that what most humans do? The easier thing? But easier for whom? I think we need to understand both sides of the coin, but too much dating advice on social media advocates justification for discarding other human beings because of the ‘depth of the connection’ - which is subjective - (for the ghoster) and just moving on (for the ghostee). But it’s not that simple. There’s deeper issues at play here in our modern dating culture (that have to do with a fundamental inability to communicate) - certainly on the part of the ghoster but also for the ghostee.
Dehumanizing is a great descriptor! My beef with ghosting (kind of the same for lying about cheating) is the narcissism behind the motivation for it: putting your needs and comfort above another’s, possibly the feeing of superiority in your worth or opinions, etc.
In regard to romantic relationships, I do feel there is an unfortunate tie to one’s worth placed by society, which may exacerbate the pressure to ghost. The perspective(s) I’ve appreciated lately is that no one is really “too good” for anyone. We all have different interests/needs/desires. So while we may not be a good fit for someone at a given time, it’s not because we’re less than or not worthy. Someone not wanting to be with you doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with you. The other person may be in a period of their life where they really don’t have the bandwidth for a relationship with you (on any level).
I am recently separated in my 50’s and I am shocked that grown adults do this. Especially when I am always clear - just tell me you want to end it and never ghost me. I even got ghosted before a first date when we made plans - so disrespectful and a waste of my time. Unfortunately, I do, however, always take it personally.
Perhaps this can serve as a reminder not to take it personally or internalize it and accept this has much more to do with them than you. Hard to do, but a worthwhile exercise to preserve your dating sanity!
Legit. A guy who ghosted me 6 months ago- just text me in the weekend and asked to go out again. Clearly he ran out of swipes/options.
I told Him I have More self respect than to let someone back into my life who was so disrespectful and then didn’t even apologize about it and now I am a backup option. No thanks, wish you well. 😎
Hot take: I think there is a strong distinction between ghosting someone you’ve only recently met on a dating app versus ghosting someone with whom you’ve shared a relationship. I liken dating on apps to how we meet people in person. I realized that it’s not considered ghosting when you talk to a stranger at a bar and figure out after 20 minutes into it that they just don’t match your vibe. We can all easily carry on our way without any concern or judgement. IMO initial encounters, to include the first meetup, on dating apps should be allowed the same grace and expectations. Sure, the total length of time surrounding the correspondence may be hours or days before deciding to meet in person, but cumulatively the actual time put into those texts probably adds up to a similar timeframe.
I think most of us who have used dating apps for 6 months+ have met up with someone, had a decent time, and maybe ended the date with, “This was fun! We should do it again sometime.” But ultimately, neither person made the effort to pursue it beyond that night and the conversation just faded away. Most of us wouldn’t consider this ghosting so it’s unclear to me why we should consider it ghosting when one party had legitimate interest but the other one didn’t and promptly unmatched. It’s perfectly okay to send a message letting someone know you’re not interested, but after only one encounter, I don’t think it’s bad not to either.
Love this…totally agree after one date, if I’m not feeling it I just unmatch. It’s weird to tell the person I’m not feeling it and then have to wait for them to see the note and then unmatch. I feel like unmatching is clear…person is not interested and the reason doesn’t matter as it was only one date.
Yes, absolutely! And I definitely don’t share my phone number before the first meetup. You don’t even know if you’re talking to the person they’re presenting on the profile! So, is it really ghosting if they don’t have my number? 😅
I agree with most of these reasons, but sometimes you need to go 'no contact' because someone close to you has lied and lived a secret life that you knew nothing about. If they string you along as if you're the main person in their life, then upend yours, you get the wind knocked out of you. In my mind, if it's about setting boundaries and protecting yourself, then you need to go 'no contact.' Not a lot of people may understand that these days...but it's just as hard to do something like that when you're not sure of who you were dealing with...and especially if you were in love with them and thought you knew them well.
I agree, and I don't think going no contact is ghosting because, for the most part, it's clear that you're going no contact because either you've communicated it ("never contact me again") or it's such a toxic environment that once you realize you're in it, leaving is such the obvious move and doesn't need to be communicated.
Yes I agree. Going No Contact is not ghosting. I mean, I guess you can call it that but it's for very different reasons. It's interesting because my abusive narc ex would ghost to cause pain.. but then I "ghosted" (went no contact) to protect myself. I think a lot of people (especially women) very unfortunately have to use this method with some people because some people's reaction to rejection can be quite volatile. Which is another issue entirely. ooof.
Yes. That's the same for me, too...and it was really traumatic. People think it's 'ghosting', when it's really being sure you stay safe and taking care of yourself.
I'm glad you're out of that now. Those who haven't experienced that will never understand the trauma incurred from it. Years of therapy and work has helped me to heal and ensure that I won't allow those types of people into my life anymore. Hope you're in a lovely space now. : )
For me it's a sign of immaturity. Period. Being a grown up means reflecting the impact of your behaviour on yourself and others, taking responsibility for it and being accountable for your actions and not acting out of fear etc. People that ghost are cowards and hiding behind "wanting to give people a chance to safe face..."....a load of BS. Grow up, grow balls (I would prefer to say "have pussy" cause balls are really not a symbol of strength but that's a different topic) and just pay somebody you shared something with the respect they deserve and leave some clear words. Even the only times I had to "ghost" [aka block] someone because of them not accepting my decision, I told them that I was gonna block them in a respectful way as a last message. And this is not something I learned at home... this is something I learned by myself by having been treated shitty by cowards and deciding that I will never be the kinda person to do this to people. This is a lesson that everybody can learn no matter their background/upbringing and applies to many things in life. Just fucking grow up.
“Instead of taking it personally and assuming you did something wrong, I’d love for you to direct some anger toward the ghoster and know that if they had more respect, love, and tenderness toward you, they would have had a conversation with you about the end of the relationship.“ I think this is the hardest part to swallow. They didn’t even care enough to just be honest. And what I don’t know will always eat at me… even if it was one of 8 (7) reasons people ghost. And what if I did do something wrong? Or it was me? For someone with an anxious attachment style, the non-closure is hell.
I actually started following you because of that ghosting video! Loved your content and advice since then. It’s helped me in SOOO many situations and I couldn’t be more grateful!
Kinda funny to come full circle with this article now. 😌
My one and only real experience with this happened in 2006 , before " ghosting " was a term. I was hopelessly in love with an addictive alcoholic . He had had a few brief " disappearances" , but in June of that year , I just felt in my gut that this time he wouldn't be back. I was bereft , devastated , and turned it all on myself. So, so painful. " WHAT coukd I have possibly done ??", I wondered. My parents were generous enough to send me to the Codependency Workshop at the Caron Foundation for a week, , because it was the closest I had ever felt to self - harm.
I came back and just poured myself into AA , Al-Anon ( Double Winner ) and SLAA meetings. I grew to accept the fact that he wasn't coming back and that I would have to learn to love without. It took me a good 9 months for me to realize that life was still worth living , and that happiness could be found elsewhere. But it was just all so BEWILDERING. And I had no choice but to just put the whole relationship and experience on an incomplete shelf. In 2020, 14 years after we had last had contact , he sent me a message , and we spoke on the phone. He told me that he was 10 years sober, made an official AA amends to me , and offered a financial amends to me as well.
It is now over 18 years since I last saw him . His financjal amends is complete , and we are gingerly finding our way to a friendship. Because that feels right to me. I understand alcoholism, because I am an alcoholic . But I do NOT understand ghosting. It is one of the very most severe , hurtful things someone can to do to someone else.
This is a great article, well done! Sadly I’ve been guilty of ghosting and usually its due to avoiding conflict because I’m a chicken. 🐔 I have also done the, “it was great getting to know” script before and they still don’t get the hint! I love that you said it’s selfcare after trying to let them down easy. There are times you must go ghost, especially when the dude is being disrespectful and just wants to argue, then I’m like dueces ✌️😂
I've two relatable experiences. I had heard you say a while back "this isn't the connection I'm looking for" etc. I used it on a guy that I jad chatted with for a while, went for a walk with once. His response was not nice.... he pretty much called me stupid, and then sent me a dic pic saying "this could have been yours". And so I dodged a bullet there. And B, thank you. I am the "ghoster" in another non-romantic relationship. And I've struggled with this decision. But, it's toxic, the messages and emails I get are degrading, mean, and insulting. So, I chose not to respond.... and now I can remind myself that this is self care. And for that, I thank you!
lmao The infamous dick pic. Classic. Would love to hear Shaun’s take on why this is a go-to for so many men. I once considered the idea of creating an Instagram account to share all the unsolicited dick pics I’d received. This was pre-Only Fans. But man, I think that would be money on OF! 😂 I receive much fewer dick pics these days so I’ll let someone else monetize on that million dollar idea.
I ghosted a man I’d been “seeing” on and off for about three years. It was the most confusing and toxic “situation ships” I’ve ever had. Two months into it I discovered he lived with his girlfriend of 9 years. He was ambiguous and kinda hinting at leaving her. She moved out. We kept going. It became apparent they were still seeing each other. He ghosted me two years ago for three months until we ran into each other in the street. He pretended nothing had happened. I forgave him. We kept going. This summer after many many many disrespectful situations I couldn’t do it any longer. He became increasingly aggressive every time I brought up any issue. I couldn’t say anything to him any longer. He owed me money, said he’d pay, went on a month-long trip and honestly I was done. I couldn’t carry any of that any longer. I blocked him everywhere. When he came back from the trip we ran into each other in the street and I pretended I didn’t see him. That’s it. Two-three months out it still haunts me I ghosted. Sometimes I feel terrible. Then I remember the countless disgusting ways he disrespected me and it sort of goes away. For a while.
I was ghosted by a man 2-1/2 months into dating. It was shocking and confusing. It also triggered an abandonment trauma from my divorce over a decade ago. After licking my wounds and getting back to swiping, I decided that I would clearly ask anyone I started to date to agree not to ghost. I asked them if they ever weren’t feeling it to just send me a text saying it’s been great but moving on, or later alligator. I didn’t require an explanation. I just wanted the courtesy of transparency. Every guy I dated with this agreement followed through, which helped calm my anxiety and reframe the experience.
I kind of love this. It doesn't guarantee that you won't get ghosted, but it certainly reduces the chances. Nice work, Saundra!
I’ve been divorced and on the dating scene for the better part of 15 years and it is mind boggling to me how many people do this. It’s immature, inconsiderate and weak sauce. Some of these guys have had daughters. Is that how you would want someone to treat your daughter?!. Come on! It’s one text. So simple. I’ve sent them many times! 😄
Mind boggling is a great way to put it. Makes no sense.
I should have actually said most of these guys have been parents. Is that how you would want someone to treat your daughter or son?! Nobody deserves to be treated that way. 💜
I think there are any number of reasons why someone ghosts another person (and not all have to do with a loss of interest) - any of which could be valid, but karmically doesn’t feel right.
Being ghosted is an incredibly dehumanizing experience. It seems to be a ubiquitous and unfortunate byproduct of the shallow, transactional and disposable nature of the modern (app) dating scene that exists today where we are meant to advertise ourselves as products for consumption rather than the beautifully complex beings that we are. It’s no surprise then that when someone “isn’t feeling it anymore” for any reason that the easiest thing to do is to ghost (there’s always another product waiting!) - and isn’t that what most humans do? The easier thing? But easier for whom? I think we need to understand both sides of the coin, but too much dating advice on social media advocates justification for discarding other human beings because of the ‘depth of the connection’ - which is subjective - (for the ghoster) and just moving on (for the ghostee). But it’s not that simple. There’s deeper issues at play here in our modern dating culture (that have to do with a fundamental inability to communicate) - certainly on the part of the ghoster but also for the ghostee.
Dehumanizing is a great descriptor! My beef with ghosting (kind of the same for lying about cheating) is the narcissism behind the motivation for it: putting your needs and comfort above another’s, possibly the feeing of superiority in your worth or opinions, etc.
In regard to romantic relationships, I do feel there is an unfortunate tie to one’s worth placed by society, which may exacerbate the pressure to ghost. The perspective(s) I’ve appreciated lately is that no one is really “too good” for anyone. We all have different interests/needs/desires. So while we may not be a good fit for someone at a given time, it’s not because we’re less than or not worthy. Someone not wanting to be with you doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with you. The other person may be in a period of their life where they really don’t have the bandwidth for a relationship with you (on any level).
I am recently separated in my 50’s and I am shocked that grown adults do this. Especially when I am always clear - just tell me you want to end it and never ghost me. I even got ghosted before a first date when we made plans - so disrespectful and a waste of my time. Unfortunately, I do, however, always take it personally.
Great article - thank you!
Perhaps this can serve as a reminder not to take it personally or internalize it and accept this has much more to do with them than you. Hard to do, but a worthwhile exercise to preserve your dating sanity!
Legit. A guy who ghosted me 6 months ago- just text me in the weekend and asked to go out again. Clearly he ran out of swipes/options.
I told Him I have More self respect than to let someone back into my life who was so disrespectful and then didn’t even apologize about it and now I am a backup option. No thanks, wish you well. 😎
You were kind to even text back. 😄 *block*
Hot take: I think there is a strong distinction between ghosting someone you’ve only recently met on a dating app versus ghosting someone with whom you’ve shared a relationship. I liken dating on apps to how we meet people in person. I realized that it’s not considered ghosting when you talk to a stranger at a bar and figure out after 20 minutes into it that they just don’t match your vibe. We can all easily carry on our way without any concern or judgement. IMO initial encounters, to include the first meetup, on dating apps should be allowed the same grace and expectations. Sure, the total length of time surrounding the correspondence may be hours or days before deciding to meet in person, but cumulatively the actual time put into those texts probably adds up to a similar timeframe.
I think most of us who have used dating apps for 6 months+ have met up with someone, had a decent time, and maybe ended the date with, “This was fun! We should do it again sometime.” But ultimately, neither person made the effort to pursue it beyond that night and the conversation just faded away. Most of us wouldn’t consider this ghosting so it’s unclear to me why we should consider it ghosting when one party had legitimate interest but the other one didn’t and promptly unmatched. It’s perfectly okay to send a message letting someone know you’re not interested, but after only one encounter, I don’t think it’s bad not to either.
Your hot take makes sense to me. Simultaneously losing interest, or choosing to unmatch after one date is not ghosting.
Love this…totally agree after one date, if I’m not feeling it I just unmatch. It’s weird to tell the person I’m not feeling it and then have to wait for them to see the note and then unmatch. I feel like unmatching is clear…person is not interested and the reason doesn’t matter as it was only one date.
Yes, absolutely! And I definitely don’t share my phone number before the first meetup. You don’t even know if you’re talking to the person they’re presenting on the profile! So, is it really ghosting if they don’t have my number? 😅
I made the mistake of giving my number too early and received some truly disgusting texts. Lesson learned!
I agree with most of these reasons, but sometimes you need to go 'no contact' because someone close to you has lied and lived a secret life that you knew nothing about. If they string you along as if you're the main person in their life, then upend yours, you get the wind knocked out of you. In my mind, if it's about setting boundaries and protecting yourself, then you need to go 'no contact.' Not a lot of people may understand that these days...but it's just as hard to do something like that when you're not sure of who you were dealing with...and especially if you were in love with them and thought you knew them well.
I agree, and I don't think going no contact is ghosting because, for the most part, it's clear that you're going no contact because either you've communicated it ("never contact me again") or it's such a toxic environment that once you realize you're in it, leaving is such the obvious move and doesn't need to be communicated.
Still feels horrible to have to do it if you’re a decent human…but…best to mind your own self first in those cases.
Yes I agree. Going No Contact is not ghosting. I mean, I guess you can call it that but it's for very different reasons. It's interesting because my abusive narc ex would ghost to cause pain.. but then I "ghosted" (went no contact) to protect myself. I think a lot of people (especially women) very unfortunately have to use this method with some people because some people's reaction to rejection can be quite volatile. Which is another issue entirely. ooof.
Yes. That's the same for me, too...and it was really traumatic. People think it's 'ghosting', when it's really being sure you stay safe and taking care of yourself.
I'm glad you're out of that now. Those who haven't experienced that will never understand the trauma incurred from it. Years of therapy and work has helped me to heal and ensure that I won't allow those types of people into my life anymore. Hope you're in a lovely space now. : )
For me it's a sign of immaturity. Period. Being a grown up means reflecting the impact of your behaviour on yourself and others, taking responsibility for it and being accountable for your actions and not acting out of fear etc. People that ghost are cowards and hiding behind "wanting to give people a chance to safe face..."....a load of BS. Grow up, grow balls (I would prefer to say "have pussy" cause balls are really not a symbol of strength but that's a different topic) and just pay somebody you shared something with the respect they deserve and leave some clear words. Even the only times I had to "ghost" [aka block] someone because of them not accepting my decision, I told them that I was gonna block them in a respectful way as a last message. And this is not something I learned at home... this is something I learned by myself by having been treated shitty by cowards and deciding that I will never be the kinda person to do this to people. This is a lesson that everybody can learn no matter their background/upbringing and applies to many things in life. Just fucking grow up.
“Instead of taking it personally and assuming you did something wrong, I’d love for you to direct some anger toward the ghoster and know that if they had more respect, love, and tenderness toward you, they would have had a conversation with you about the end of the relationship.“ I think this is the hardest part to swallow. They didn’t even care enough to just be honest. And what I don’t know will always eat at me… even if it was one of 8 (7) reasons people ghost. And what if I did do something wrong? Or it was me? For someone with an anxious attachment style, the non-closure is hell.
I think if they ghost, you can assume it wasn't you. Sure, maybe you did something, but if they can't tell you what, then it really doesn't matter.
Definitely never thought of it that way.
I actually started following you because of that ghosting video! Loved your content and advice since then. It’s helped me in SOOO many situations and I couldn’t be more grateful!
Kinda funny to come full circle with this article now. 😌
Cheers!
I LOVE THIS! That was over 4 years ago! So happy to have been helpful, Krystal!
My one and only real experience with this happened in 2006 , before " ghosting " was a term. I was hopelessly in love with an addictive alcoholic . He had had a few brief " disappearances" , but in June of that year , I just felt in my gut that this time he wouldn't be back. I was bereft , devastated , and turned it all on myself. So, so painful. " WHAT coukd I have possibly done ??", I wondered. My parents were generous enough to send me to the Codependency Workshop at the Caron Foundation for a week, , because it was the closest I had ever felt to self - harm.
I came back and just poured myself into AA , Al-Anon ( Double Winner ) and SLAA meetings. I grew to accept the fact that he wasn't coming back and that I would have to learn to love without. It took me a good 9 months for me to realize that life was still worth living , and that happiness could be found elsewhere. But it was just all so BEWILDERING. And I had no choice but to just put the whole relationship and experience on an incomplete shelf. In 2020, 14 years after we had last had contact , he sent me a message , and we spoke on the phone. He told me that he was 10 years sober, made an official AA amends to me , and offered a financial amends to me as well.
It is now over 18 years since I last saw him . His financjal amends is complete , and we are gingerly finding our way to a friendship. Because that feels right to me. I understand alcoholism, because I am an alcoholic . But I do NOT understand ghosting. It is one of the very most severe , hurtful things someone can to do to someone else.
This is a great article, well done! Sadly I’ve been guilty of ghosting and usually its due to avoiding conflict because I’m a chicken. 🐔 I have also done the, “it was great getting to know” script before and they still don’t get the hint! I love that you said it’s selfcare after trying to let them down easy. There are times you must go ghost, especially when the dude is being disrespectful and just wants to argue, then I’m like dueces ✌️😂
I've two relatable experiences. I had heard you say a while back "this isn't the connection I'm looking for" etc. I used it on a guy that I jad chatted with for a while, went for a walk with once. His response was not nice.... he pretty much called me stupid, and then sent me a dic pic saying "this could have been yours". And so I dodged a bullet there. And B, thank you. I am the "ghoster" in another non-romantic relationship. And I've struggled with this decision. But, it's toxic, the messages and emails I get are degrading, mean, and insulting. So, I chose not to respond.... and now I can remind myself that this is self care. And for that, I thank you!
lmao The infamous dick pic. Classic. Would love to hear Shaun’s take on why this is a go-to for so many men. I once considered the idea of creating an Instagram account to share all the unsolicited dick pics I’d received. This was pre-Only Fans. But man, I think that would be money on OF! 😂 I receive much fewer dick pics these days so I’ll let someone else monetize on that million dollar idea.
Sending a dick pic when you're angry for having gotten rejected is just plain sexual harassment. They're looking to shock you or piss you off.
A reply with "lol, no thanks, bullet dodged" might do the trick.
I ghosted a man I’d been “seeing” on and off for about three years. It was the most confusing and toxic “situation ships” I’ve ever had. Two months into it I discovered he lived with his girlfriend of 9 years. He was ambiguous and kinda hinting at leaving her. She moved out. We kept going. It became apparent they were still seeing each other. He ghosted me two years ago for three months until we ran into each other in the street. He pretended nothing had happened. I forgave him. We kept going. This summer after many many many disrespectful situations I couldn’t do it any longer. He became increasingly aggressive every time I brought up any issue. I couldn’t say anything to him any longer. He owed me money, said he’d pay, went on a month-long trip and honestly I was done. I couldn’t carry any of that any longer. I blocked him everywhere. When he came back from the trip we ran into each other in the street and I pretended I didn’t see him. That’s it. Two-three months out it still haunts me I ghosted. Sometimes I feel terrible. Then I remember the countless disgusting ways he disrespected me and it sort of goes away. For a while.
Girl, relieve yourself of any guilt! What you described was a bad dude.
Really appreciate this thoughtful article. I still think it’s super cowardly except in instances of personal safety.
I'm with you on that.
Merci pour ce rappel plein d’empathie.❤️🩹
Ca fait plaisir!