The epidemic of ghosting

Eight reasons people ghost, what ghosting isn't, and how to deal with it

“They just walked away one day, and I never heard from them again.”

I should let them know…Nah.

If you’ve never been ghosted, consider yourself one of the lucky few who haven’t experienced what is rapidly becoming the de facto way to exit a dating relationship. I wish it weren’t so prevalent in today’s dating world, but the stories of people getting ghosted won’t stop coming. And it’s not just for short-term relationships, either. I’ve heard of people ghosting their live-in partner of several years.

Ghosting is the practice of refusing to respond to texts or phone calls from someone you’re dating or in a relationship with to terminate that connection. In short, it’s ignoring communication from the person you’re dating, hoping they’ll get the hint you’re no longer interested.

And it sucks. It leaves the other person confused that it is often more painful than the actual end of the relationship.

“It was more fucked up and sad that they ghosted me than if they’d just been honest,” I’ve heard time and time again.

A few years ago, I posted a short video on TikTok about your alternatives to ghosting. The video has nearly 4 million views and over 5,000 comments. The video went viral because my advice was divisive; it was clear that I’d struck a nerve.

Half the people agreed with my advice to send a gentle text letting them know you’re no longer interested in them, and the other half felt that ghosting was the kinder option. Comments of “Please, just ghost me” and “OMG, no!” were just as common as “I’d rather know you aren’t interested” and “Please just tell me!”

The great thing about reading the comments on social media is how much I learned about a topic I thought I understood. Here are a few things I learned:

• No one is safe from ghosting; it can happen at any age.

• It happens in all stages of relationships, not just early-stage dating

• There are valid reasons to ghost, which I’d never considered.

I assumed that you ghosted because you didn’t want to have a potentially awkward and hurtful conversation with someone you were dating, but there are several others I hadn’t considered.

According to therapist Nedra Tawwab, there are eight reasons why people ghost, and I’ll shed some light on a few of these:

Reasons People Ghost

1. They fear the other person’s reaction.

Some people ghost because they fear for their safety from violent and abusive people. And most of these people are men. They’re scared that if they reject someone, that person will retaliate, stalk them, show up at their workplace (or worse, their home), and somehow harm them.

If this is you, please know that ghosting is a valid way of dealing with someone like this. If you suspect the person you’re dating to be violent, abusive, or harmful to your health, then ghosting might be the best course of action to keep yourself safe.

Please, take good care of yourself and do what you must.

2. Some people want to be hurtful

Ugh, I hate this. I want to believe that the world is full of mostly good people, but the truth is that there are meanies out there who want to create pain, confusion, and chaos, and for them, ghosting is the perfect solution.

3. They want to avoid confrontation.

Some folks don’t want to create a scene, are terrified of conflict, and don’t know how to deal with confrontation. Most of us didn’t grow up in healthy family systems that modeled healthy conflict or disagreement.

If you did, thank your parents for giving you a massive advantage (and for saving you many years and thousands of dollars of therapy).

4. They fear being perceived as mean.

Some people think that letting someone down or rejecting them is mean, and ghosting is the kinder option. To a certain degree, it allows the person being ghosted to save face. I’ve heard this reason repeatedly as an explanation for why people ghost.

This works for some people as they prefer being ghosted over having the person they’re dating tell them directly they’re no longer interested.

In their words: “Receiving any rejection is brutal, and I’d rather you just ghosted me. I’ll get the message”.

5. They are overwhelmed with thoughts about how to end the relationship.

Some folks struggle with anxiety, and the thought of exiting a relationship overwhelms them completely.

“How can I do it nicely? Should I do it over the phone or text? What if they cry or get mad? Their birthday is coming up; isn’t that so insensitive? We said we’d go on holiday next month. I can’t possibly do it now. What about their family? I like their family. Do I have to unfollow them on social? What about their friends who are now my friends. Do I have to stop seeing them? What do I say?!”

For these people, ghosting is the simplest solution and leads to less anxiety (until you run into them a month later in line at the grocery store checkout).

Or, they don’t know what to say.

“Sorry, I have ghosted many. I just don’t know what to say.”

6. They don’t want to have an uncomfortable conversation.

I think this is the most prevalent reason why people ghost.

Ending a relationship is almost always awkward, even when dating for only a few weeks or months. Telling someone you don’t like them like that will most likely be awkward and uncomfortable. And it might hurt the other person.

No one likes hurting another person, and if you’re going to break up with someone, there’s a good chance they’re going to be hurt. At the very least, it will be awkward, and no one likes an uncomfortable conversation.

Hurting someone, even if it’s unintentional, means you have to sit with someone’s pain, and most people struggle with being present in the face of someone’s anger, disappointment, and sadness. So, oven times, it’s easier to ghost.

7. They are done and don’t want to explain themselves.

It’d be great if when you ended a relationship with someone, they reacted by saying,

“I’m sad to hear that, but I totally understand. I wish you the best. Take good care, and give your family a big hug for me.”

Some people can’t handle rejection and won’t respect your decision to end the relationship.

They’ll want endless closure conversations, try to convince you to change your mind, or badger you with questions about what they did wrong or could have done better.

Or worse, they’ll beg you to give them another chance.

Breaking up with these people is exhausting, and ghosting can be a more straightforward solution.

8. Ghosting was the only way they knew how to leave the relationship.

They have never seen or had people model what ending a relationship with presence, clarity, and compassion looks like. The idea that there’s another way to end a relationship is hard to fathom. Maybe they’ve only been ghosted, so that’s all they know.

What Ghosting Isn’t

Ending a relationship is a boundary. You’re telling someone you’re no longer interested in them in the hopes that they’ll understand and begin disconnecting from your connection with love, care, and respect.

If you’ve told the person you’re dating that you’re no longer interested in dating them and they harass you, demand answers, and ignore communication to end the relationship, disconnecting from that person is not ghosting. It’s self-care.

Remember, ghosting is refusing to return texts or calls from someone you’re dating rather than letting them know directly that you’re no longer interested in continuing to date them.

If you’ve told them and they harass you, ignoring and blocking them isn’t ghosting; it’s a self-care strategy.

The Antidote to Ghosting

Unfortunately, I think ghosting is here to stay.

If you’ve ghosted and are looking for a different approach, let me invite you to try something else.

Tell them as soon as you know the relationship is over or the person you’re dating isn’t a good fit.

Doing it over text is fine if you’ve been on a few dates, but over the phone might be more appropriate for anything where you know the other person likes you or if you’ve had sex more than a few times together.

Some people would prefer getting that information over text to save themselves the embarrassment, and others would think it’s best to do it in person.

There’s no manual on which medium is more appropriate because everyone and all relationships are different. I’ll leave it up to you to decide. Regardless of how you choose to end a relationship, doing it directly is most likely better than ghosting.

Instead of ghosting, say (or text this):

“Hey, I’ve had a nice time getting to know you. Unfortunately, the connection you and I have isn’t the connection I’m looking for. I wish you the best of luck with [insert the upcoming thing you’ve talked about before]. Take good care of yourself.”

This message isn’t appropriate for all circumstances and all people, but 99% of the time, it’s undoubtedly better than ghosting.

If you’ve been ghosted

I’m so sorry. You deserve better.

I know how crazy it can be to have someone leave you without any explanation. Relationships ending without closure can take longer to heal from, and you deserve closure. And without closure, it can be tempting to make it about you and take it personally.

Sure, maybe it’s about you. But for the most part, 90% of the time, it isn’t. Look at the eight reasons above if you need some consolation or understanding as to why this happened.

Instead of taking it personally and assuming you did something wrong, I’d love for you to direct some anger toward the ghoster and know that if they had more respect, love, and tenderness toward you, they would have had a conversation with you about the end of the relationship.

But they didn’t, and that sucks.

You might be tempted to send them a message to let them know they’re a coward and to delete your number because you’re over it, and if you think that will make you feel better or give you closure, send the message.

But more than anything, I want you to shower yourself with the respect, love, and tenderness you didn’t get from your ex. Remember that you’re a good person and deserve loving, respectful communication, even if the message you’re about to receive is hard to handle or hurtful.

Take good care. ❤️