Nine ways to find out if they’re emotionally available

How to find open-hearted humans (and become one yourself)

Dating emotionally unavailable people is enough to drive anyone bananas.

Finding emotionally available, secure, and loving people to date is the holy grail of the dating world. Find one of these mystical creatures, and you're guaranteed smooth sailing until the end of days.

Just kidding. But you'll have a better chance at a loving relationship with a kind, caring, and respectful person, and you might avoid unnecessary heartbreak.

As a love coach and teacher of courses on love, intimacy, and relationships, I spend a lot of time helping my students and clients be emotionally available and recognize people who are.

In the last All About Emotional Availability Course I hosted, I asked my students what it meant to be emotionally available, and this is what they came up with:

Emotionally available people:

• are kind and empathetic

• use calm, honest, and respectful communication

• listen, ask questions, and are curious

• don't judge you or act inauthentically

• have a softness and a warmth to them

• show up when it's important

While this is a tall order, I don't expect you or the person you date to always act in these emotionally available ways.

Identifying people who are on the path toward living an open-hearted life will make yours much more loving and hopefully save you some heartbreak.

Falling in love is risky.

It's risky to open yourself up to a new person, hoping they'll treat you with love, care, and respect.

And if you've been heartbroken repeatedly by people who didn't hold your heart tenderly, it can be exhausting to keep turning towards love and hoping the next person will do better.

Why is it so challenging to assess emotional availability?

In the first few months of getting to know someone, it's hard to make sense of what's happening and to trust that you're connecting with a loving and open-hearted person.

When people are dating or in the early stages of a relationship, most are on their best behavior because they're trying to attract a worthy partner.

People sometimes appear open-hearted, vulnerable, and seemingly emotionally available because they know that's what people seek.

Also, some people open up slowly over time, so while they might appear closed off at the beginning, they might need some time to warm up.

Not to mention that relationships are dynamic and change based on the life experiences, wounds, coping mechanisms, needs, and communication styles of those in the relationships.

No wonder it's so tricky to assess emotional availability.

While the ways listed below aren't a fool-proof way of assessing emotional availability, they'll give you some helpful clues about where the person you're dating is in their journey to becoming an open-hearted human.

Nine Ways To Assess Emotional Availability In Early-Stage Dating

1. Ask them: "How did that make you feel?"

If your date mentions an impactful experience, such as getting fired from a job they loved or a close family member dying, ask them how it made them feel and notice if they can use feeling words.

"I was heartbroken. I loved my grandfather so much, and I've felt something missing since he died," indicates an ability to identify and express their emotions, the hallmark of emotional availability.

On the other hand, saying something like, "Fuck 'em. They don't know what they're missing; I was the best employee at the company," indicates a sensitive defense mechanism that could result from them being closed off.

Note: Generally speaking, men will sometimes using “thinking” words over “feeling” words, which isn’t a sign of emotional unavailability, but something to keep in mind.

“I think it’s really sad they’re treated that way,” can be another way of saying, “I’m sad they’re treated that way.”

2. Do they deflect or change the subject when you ask a serious question?

Notice how they react when you ask a serious question.

They might fear emotional intimacy if they deflect or change the subject whenever something sensitive arises.

"When I asked you if you'd ever like to have kids one day, you changed the subject. It's the second time you've avoided having that discussion, and I'd love to know how you feel about it and what prompted you to change the subject?"

How they respond to being called out will be very telling. Are they able to open up, or do they double down on deflecting?

Opening up looks like, "You're right, and I'm sorry. I get nervous about talking about wanting kids because I feel like I should know by now, and I don't. It's a little embarrassing. Plus, I didn't have the greatest role models growing up and I'm scared to mess my future kids up, so I just sort of avoid the topic."

Doubling-down looks like this, "Damn, girl, are you getting baby crazy on me? Sure, I might want kids. Happy?"

3. Do they make jokes when you're trying to be serious?

Does your partner make jokes whenever they're uncomfortable, out of their comfort zone, or pressed for information?

Some people are terrified of opening up, so they make jokes to lighten the mood and take the spotlight off them.

That said, there's nothing wrong with using humor to release a little pressure. While being playful is fantastic, it's important to recognize when a serious moment requires a serious response. Are they able to balance this?

4. Do their actions match their words?

Are they reliable? Can you count on them to follow through with what they say, or do they often make excuses?

Of course, everyone can change their minds occasionally, but can you count on this person for the most part?

Connecting emotionally is safer and more comfortable when their actions match their words.

5. Can they say no with love?

Can they set healthy boundaries when protecting their needs and desires? Can they say no lovingly to something they don't want to do?

Being emotionally available means considering your needs while balancing others' needs and having the courage to say no with love.

6. Can they hold space for your emotions without trying to fix or minimize your experience?

Can they witness your emotional discomfort without running away, checking out, or trying to make your pain disappear?

Can they hold your heart with the tenderness it deserves and requires?

When you're having a hard time emotionally, can they sit, listen, and be there for you without trying to fix anything?

They don't offer solutions to your problems; they validate your experience and ask how they can help.

7. Do they reciprocate when you share something intimate?

Do they disclose parts of themselves without needing to be prompted?

Emotionally available people see your intimate disclosure as an opportunity to disclose something about themselves. They know that your opening up is safe for them to do the same.

Are you both opening up to each other slowly over time? Does it feel reciprocal and balanced?

8. Do they listen and adjust to your desires?

Can they attune to your desires?

If you let your person know that you'd love it if they checked in the day after you both have sex together, do they try to accommodate your wishes?

If you tell them you'd prefer they listen and validate your feelings rather than jump into problem-solving, do they make a reasonable effort?

9. Can they apologize and make it right?

Can they take responsibility when they mess up, own their mistakes, and apologize properly?

"Hey, sweetie pie. I'm sorry about last night. I regret raising my voice and slamming the door after our argument. I know how scary that can be for you. I wasn't the best boyfriend I could have been, and if there's anything I can do to make it right, please let me know."

Or do they suck at apologizing?

"I'm sorry you feel that way. I didn't mean to slam the door like that. Anyways, it's not that big a deal."

Furthermore, true apologies come with behavior modification. It’s one thing to say you’ll never do it again, and it’s another to follow through with it.

How emotionally available are you?

It's great to assess others' ability to open up, but are you spending some time reflecting on your own emotional capacity and availability?

Sometimes, people who aren't emotionally available choose other emotionally unavailable people to date or have relationships with because it's a defense mechanism.

If no one opens up, then no one gets hurt.

You can't go too deep or expose your vulnerabilities to an unavailable person. But in the long run, a closed heart will hurt more than one that's loved and lost.

Fear of getting hurt is one of the few reasons you could be emotionally unavailable.

Some folks don't know how because their role models didn't teach them, while others are healing from relationships and need to spend time opening up to themselves rather than others.

Whatever the reason, it's worth examining your level of openness before focusing too much on the openness of the person you're dating.

No one wants to find the pot calling the kettle black.

What about when people close up?

Shit happens. Everyone closes up sometimes. Life gets overwhelming, or we don't know how to proceed with an open heart, so our best instinct might be to close up and protect ourselves.

Remember, we're not all perfect, and we often fuck up. We're doing our best at any given time, and sometimes our best could be better. Just because someone closes off or shuts down doesn't mean they aren't emotionally available; they're human.

We don't always look or expect people to be wide open. That's unsustainable; we all need to return to the cocoon now and then.

What happens after is what's important.

Is there a willingness and desire to reconnect with you and fill you in on their experience?

Do they eventually come back out of the cocoon and continue to build something sustainable and healthy with you?

Or are they likely to stay closed off and refuse to build long-term, sustainable emotional intimacy with you?

Now what?

While not everyone deserves your open heart, giving people space, time, and opportunity to open their hearts to you is essential.

Right off the bat, wide open-hearted doesn't exist; stop looking for it.

Healthy relationships are built brick by brick. We try to avoid rushing into relationships because we don't know what we're rushing into or how solid the foundation is.

Use the tools above to assess whether the person you're dating is worth investing in instead of using your blind faith in love that everything will be ok.

By the way, everything will eventually be ok; life has a way of sorting itself out like that.

But you can avoid significant pain by being picky and discerning about who you open your heart to while also exploring how you shut down and how you could be living a more open-hearted, authentic, and loving life.