Dating emotionally unavailable people will drive you crazy

How to find open-hearted humans (and become one yourself)

I’ve fallen for a handful of emotionally unavailable women over the years, and I only really have myself to blame for it.

Either they were shut down emotionally or didn’t want the relationship I wanted. Every time I went through the wringer because of it. I came out the other end a complete mess, and I couldn’t understand why it was happening to me.

I remember a particularly tumultuous relationship with a magnetic woman. It didn’t matter if you were gay or straight; she would light up a room and draw everyone in.

I was hooked the moment I met her, and didn’t feel like I had a choice in the matter; I was falling hard and couldn’t stop it even if I wanted to.

Our relationship burned hot and fast, and it was incredibly intoxicating. Being with her felt like a drug, which should have been a warning sign that something was amiss. But as a former drug addict (clean and sober over 15 years now), I still find myself hooked to pleasure-seeking behaviors.

She was emotionally unavailable and couldn’t give me the stability and attention I wanted. No matter how much I tried or what I did, nothing changed the fact that she couldn’t meet my needs. We dated for six months, and it was mostly torturous. It was the classic roller-coaster relationship. High highs, but low lows, too. It’s incredible how much damage and chaos can be created in such a short time.

She didn’t know she was unavailable, nor did I. Or perhaps she knew and told me as much, but I wasn’t listening. Maybe I knew, but I kept hoping she’d start showing up for me the way I wanted her to.

She never did.

Hope springs eternal

That’s what my therapist told me.

Going after unavailable people is like going to the hardware store for bread. You look around and ask the salesperson where they keep the bread. They look at you weirdly and say,

“There’s no bread here; we’re a hardware store.”

You hope things may have changed the next day — still no bread at the hardware store.

Tortillas? Potato bun? Nope.

And so it goes, seemingly forever, because there’s no end to the spring of hope.

You can wake up every day thinking that maybe things will be different today.

Today, they won’t flake on you like they’ve flaked before or finally give you the love and affection that you desperately want.

But. Alas. No bread today.

So — why do you keep going to the hardware store for bread?

You’re hardwired for love

Humans are hardwired for connection. We’re social creatures and want to love and feel love.

It’s normal to want love. After getting your basic needs of food, water, shelter, and safety, you crave connection: love, friendship, and community.

The problem lies with trying to get your needs for love and intimacy from people who can’t give it to you. It’s easy to get roped up in the fantasy that you’ve found someone who will finally love and care for you the way you need.

Never mind that no partner can ever meet all your needs unless that was their full-time job, and even then, I’d be surprised. Humans are needy (not in a bad way), and to place all those needs on one person is unrealistic.

But some people fail to meet your basic needs for presence, respect, and kindness.

Maybe they show up for you in some ways but fail to show up for you in other, more essential ways. And you think that perhaps, with time, they’ll show up for you entirely.

Unfortunately, they (mostly) don’t.

They can’t give you what you want

Unavailable people can’t give you what you want. They have different priorities in life, and unfortunately, you’re not one of them.

Ouch.

That can hurt. I know.

People can be unavailable for a variety of different reasons:

1. Emotionally unavailable

This one gets thrown around a lot these days. Emotionally unavailable people are generally uncomfortable or unwilling to explore intimacy and vulnerability.

Being unavailable is a defense mechanism to keep their heart from breaking or prevent them from touching sadness, trauma, or desperation they aren’t ready to heal.

2. Logistically unavailable

These folks are too busy. Multiple jobs or long hours at work, lots of traveling, a nomadic lifestyle, an overly active social life, and little downtime mean no time to build a relationship.

Long-distance relationships can fit into this category if neither is willing to move or there’s no plan to be in the same place at some point (caveat: some people are happy with this kind of arrangement, in which case, knock yourself out).

3. Different needs and goals

A significant mismatch in needs and goals is another form of unavailability. If you want kids and your person doesn’t, they are unavailable to have kids.

If you want to travel the world and they want to settle down, you have incompatible goals. If you must marry someone from your religious background and they aren’t, you have a problem.

The why of it all

Dating unavailable people might be a defense mechanism and a barrier against developing intimacy with someone.

If they’re unavailable, your relationship will never progress to the point where they can profoundly wound you.

And that’s what I realized I was doing with my ex.

I was terrified of getting hurt, so being with her was safe. It was frustrating and crazy-making, but her unavailability meant that we would never build the kind of intimacy that would put me in a position to get wounded.

I’d built up walls, and only real intimacy, presence, and availability could start to dismantle.

So, while looking for emotional availability in others, I realized I wasn’t as available as I thought. I’d blame her for her inability to connect emotionally instead of looking at why I chose her in the first place.

Oof. Tough pill to swallow.

What now?

So, how can you taste the fruits of love and intimacy if you don’t open up that precious heart, slowly and over time, to people who want to know you?

You can’t.

Love requires vulnerability.

People comfortable with vulnerability are hard to be around. They force us to meet them in their space, and that space can be scary.

That space is also beautiful, tender, profound, and intimate.

Being emotionally available means being open to getting hurt, and it also means being open to the deepest and juiciest kind of love possible. You can’t open up to one and not the other.

And you can minimize your risk by being careful with who you allow into your heart.

The best way to maximize love while reducing pain is by identifying those available to the full richness of the human experience.

Date available people and let them peek over the walls you’ve created to protect your heart. Dismantling the barriers you’ve built to keep you safe doesn’t happen overnight.

I want big love for you with someone who wants to love you big.

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