Longing for love but lost in fear

My fear of intimacy, turning 42 and what's blocking me from love.

Welp, that's my dirty little secret. I’m a commitment-phobe love coach who’s scared of love. I've been coming to grips with it and have started sharing a little about it, but I'm still keeping it close to my chest. Not because I'm embarrassed, even though that's part of it, but because I don't fully understand it.

I've struggled with what to write this week, and I started three posts before settling on this one. Their titles were:

• What I've learned about love in 42 years

• How my "hot girl summer" is going

• Ten things I love about me (to balance out the "10 reasons dating me will be a nightmare" post.)

I'll probably write about these, too, but the writing was slow and didn't feel honest. And I know it won't be good for me or you when it doesn't feel honest.

I want to write what's real, not necessarily what will get the most views. And you want to read what's real, too, so I'll do my best to give you that.

Sad in Europe

A few days into my one-month Euro trip, I'm sitting in a café in Lisbon, Portugal. A dear group of friends are meeting up in the Italian Alps for a wedding at the end of the month, and I decided to come out early and get lost in Europe a little bit. So far, the plan is to spend a week each in Lisbon, Paros, Berlin, and finally, a little town nestled in the Dolomites for the wedding.

And I should be happy. Spending a month in Europe in September is dreamy and perfect, and nothing should get in the way. But like my friend said, "Life happens no matter where you are. So it might as well be on vacation in Lisbon.” She has a point. I suppose Lisbon is a romantic place to be sad.

But I'm not happy because today is my birthday. I'm turning 42, and my life isn't where I thought it would be. The days leading up to my birthday are when I look back at my year and, to a certain degree, my life and evaluate how I'm doing. And sometimes, I don't like what I see when I look back.

In many ways, it's been a great year. It's certainly been better than most of 2023, the worst year of my life.

After the shitstorm that was the death of my father, the loss of a significant relationship, and being supremely unhappy in Arizona, I made serious strides to improve my life this past year. I sold a house I hated, put everything in storage, and moved back to Montreal (temporarily, sort of, it's complicated). I reconnected with old friends and new communities and started changing how I work (by starting this Substack, for one.)

I also planned on having a super slutty hot girl summer to balance out what I'm calling "the year of no sex," but sometimes things just don't go according to plan. They say if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. I did, and he laughed.

And let's say it was more of a "tepid girl summer," if you can even call it that. I'll write about it soon, I promise.

I'm not where I thought I would be

I'm coming to terms with a lot these days, mostly around my fear of intimacy, my confusion about what I'm doing with my life, and how my choices are making it harder to find someone to build a relationship with.

A love coach with intimacy issues, imagine that!

Well, it's not that hard to imagine if you think about it. Many professionals, thought leaders, and experts got their expertise because they mastered a part of their lives they’d previously struggled with. So, while I’ve healed many parts of me, there are others I’m still struggling with.

I can confidently say that I desperately long for partnership and am simultaneously terrified of love.

I have an indispensable and intolerable quest for love, which was the topic of discussion in therapy last week.

I don't know how else to put it, but I feel like I’m my biggest enemy when it comes to finding love. My therapist thinks it makes sense that I act the way I do, given my childhood. Luckily, we're working on why it's been so challenging for me to develop a healthy attachment to someone for more than about six months. I’ve had longer relationships, but the healthy ones have been the short ones.

Here are a few things that may contribute to my challenge of finding love and keeping it.

1. I have mommy issues

And God, do I hate to admit it. I didn't think I would be the type of person to say that I have an "unhealed mother wound," but damn it if that isn't exactly what's going on.

And the worst part is that I can't get into it. Not now, at least.