It's time to make some waves, rock the boat, and stop protecting men's feelings. Why you're afraid of speaking up and how to be the bad bitch you've always wanted to be.
Yes! There's a feminist concept called "hermeneutic labour" (related but different to emotional labour) that I wrote about recently that involves trying to decipher a man's thoughts/feelings when speaking up about needs, to try to prevent the demand/withdraw dynamic that can occur. That dynamic is so painful and definitely the thing that prevents me from speaking up in relationships. Thanks for writing about this!
It's so hard, because of course we want to stay connected to those we love, and it's hard to know that speaking up might just push those people away. So, of course we try to convey just the right one and message to make sure they stay. And, all that is going to be exhausting. Thanks for putting a name to it, Ellen. Off to read about hermeneutic labour, now.
I have to add something here and its that sometimes staying is the safest thing in a severely abusive relationship . It's more than complicated... its timing , because often leaving or attempting to leave is the most dangerous time for women in an abusive relationship and can end in not just physical harm for themselves and their child/ren, but death. I lost a friend to domestic violence and it was when she was leaving with her children and he came home unexpectactly. There's not enough support for women in this area, and I feel like there is a lot of judgement for women "why didn't they just leave?" or "just leave" when staying until they have enough support can save their lives and the life of their children. I'm aware that there are organizations that help in this area, but often they are not accessible to many women or they are in a place where they aren't able to access the help. Also, the judgement for staying can add to the fear of speaking up or accessing the help they need. I think there is a more nuanced approach that required responsibility not only of the person being abused but society at large. It's systemic and putting the onus entirely on an abused woman is at minimum lacking in understanding, but also dangerous. I say this all with due respect and I appreciate the overall sentiment of this article- I just felt called to add a more nuanced perspective for this specific topic.
Yes! Thank you so much for this added context. I agree that it's much needed and to be honest, I don't have much experience with counseling victims of abuse. Thank you for adding your perspective and additional points of consideration before rocking the boat.
If that’s the case, perhaps a disclaimer regarding domestic violence with contact info for resources (as someone else suggested) might be the answer. Because its a whole other ball of wax in contrast to the other points in your article.
This is a good start, but the thing you missed is a the biggest part of the problem… you, as a man, mean well by this post, but the reality is when women speak their mind and “get down to business” or are “strong” and direct, we are considered angry or bitchy or worst of all crazy. When a man takes the same approach they are considered normal or professional. I’ve even seen you react this way to a question posed to you. Men and women think, communicate, and work differently. Women speak men expertly, but very few men speak women at the same level. Roadblocks in relationships or the workplace get further put in the way when we are labeled like this. It’s so ingrained in our society we don’t even notice the gaslighting.
Yep the problem isn’t that women aren’t speaking up directly enough, or nicely enough, about an issue, but that men feel entitled not to care and not to listen. The problem isn’t us; it’s you.
Yes, 100%, men could and should be making space, listening without being defensive, actively soliciting feedback from women, and more. And, I know from the work I've been doing, my clients, my students, and my audience, that some women are struggling with finding the words and the courage to speak up. I don't think it can be solved by only looking at one part of the problem.
I don’t think women are struggling to find the words or the courage. I think women are frustrated that men continue to refuse to speak their language and therefore, they have to continue to play in the man’s world via his rules and in his language. Women keep saying what they need. Men don’t hear it and don’t really want to. And of course, I don’t mean all men. But the scales are dramatically tipped against women and for men.
Gosh, I love this so much. I really want to work with younger folks and this is giving me the push I need to start figuring it out. And, I still need reminded of some point these points, too!
Your work has helped me find a mature stable fun relationship post divorce, so thank you, you have helped give me the words. I’d love to see a part two article directed at men (or really anyone)…”how can you create a safe space in your relationship for your partner to feel safe sharing something tough with you?”
I'm so happy to hear that! And part two is already written and it's directed at how men can be better and give room/make space for women to step fully into their truth.
I think you have this a$$ backwards. I am actually a fan, I'm not a hater at all, but this article got my blood boiling. In 2021, men only made up 40.5% of undergrad students. This has been a trend for years, and the gap is getting wider. Let's see why this matters.
The problems with educating boys starts in elementary school. The focus in schools has shifted away from play and physical activity, which is necessary to get the developing brain ready to learn. Instead, students spend much of the day sitting, which is harder for boys at the elementary level.
By the time they get to middle school, boya are already behind, and mask their embarrassment and negative self esteem with devaluing school, believing it's uncool to be smart. Boys are not socialized to please the teacher and do well in school the way girls are, to their detriment.
Boys' athletic accomplishments and video game prowess are more highly rewarded than being smart (seen as a negative, feminine trait). They continue to receive messages about masculinity that reinforces traditional gender stereotypes: boys don't talk about their feelings, they don't cry, they are not sensitive to the needs of others, they lead through physical strength, etc.
We're left with young men who don't see the value in education, they couldn't get into college, or they got in and didn't graduate. Deep down they feel crappy about themselves, while simultaneously receiving messages that they are entitled the jobs they want, the women they want, the cars they want, and all the things they think they should have.
We see it daily in the profiles of mass shooters, the way men treat women online, men who shut down and won't talk about their feelings because they don't know how, we see it in the pervasiveness of rape culture. Perhaps historically, we [women] didn't get ourselves here; you [men] put you here, but that ship has sailed.
Men are not getting a pass like they used to. They are being asked to perform at the same level as women (who work twice as hard) and they can't. Stop telling women what WE have to do to make relationships work, and start telling men to get their shit together.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. Yes, 100%, we need men to do better. I'm totally with you on this, and, it's not one or the other. I'm not giving men a pass, but women aren't getting one either. I hear from women daily saying they don't have the courage or the language to speak up. They don't know how to speak up and verbalize their needs, they're terrified of rocking the boat, and they need more practice doing it. So yes, men need to do better, and I'll be addressing this shortly, but women need help, too.
I get that, and I'm frustrated too with women (and sometimes myself) for being afraid of verbalizing their their (our) needs. I just wonder if, as a man, you can fully understand the depth of the fear women feel.
Do you really understand what it means to rather be stuck in the middle of nowhere with bear rather than a man? Have you ever been attacked and not believed? Has anyone asked you what you were wearing or why you were walking alone?
I'm not attacking you, and I'm happy if you've never experienced being interrogated when you are the victim. I'm just saying it's not as simple as shaking women or screaming "Just fucking speak up for yourselves." There can be violent, sometimes deadly consequences to confronting a man like that.
Women need to feel safe before they open up about their feelings, their needs and desires. I understand that men need to feel emotionally safe to do the same, but I felt you were missing the point by not confronting the real, physical danger women face when confronting fragile men.
Yup, I hear you, I missed the mark with the tone of this post and the language that I used. And, no, I've never experienced the kind of fear that women feel on a daily basis. I wasn't going to let that stop me from sharing tools that might be helpful, though. I'm listening and reading, and will try to do better next time. I'm new to writing longer form posts and need to be more mindful of the implications of writing on complex subjects. I don't feel attacked by you and I appreciate the time you took to leave feedback and engage with me. Thank you.
A Cis man writing this feels even more liberating to read. A reassurance that there are men out there who celebrate outspoken and need-aware women. Thanks Shaun. As a therapist I will be sharing this with my clients. As a person currently in couples therapy and feeling that “ah but I’m a couples therapist I should be good at this” shame, this feels so aligned with the work my partner and I are currently doing. Looking forward to part two. ✨🙏🏻
Yes yes yes! It was a bit scary to write, for sure, because I don't want to step on any landmines, but also, metaphorical land mines won't kill me either! The amount of times I've told myself " I should know how to do this"... as a love coach 🫠
My own experience is that confrontation like this can create a moment of “disconnect”
And even though I believe it will create deeper connection in the future, there is always an level of faith required. My avoidance is usually rooted in a lack of trust in the ability to repair, and feeling like I have to control the delivery in some way like:
“I want us to be closer. Im going to tell you something that might be challenging to hear. Its a place where we are already disconnecting, and I want to repair it, are you game?”
Then it feels like a bid for connection rather than a criticism or a wedge in our connection.
YESSSSSSS 🙌🏼 🤩 what a great article and as always, simple, to the point, both light & serious at the same time, and full of the bolshy bitch vibes that my “don’t want to hurt his feelings” girlie needed to hear.
I am soooo digging this vibe right now … the next guy who steps into my life better be ready 🤣
I love this one!!! This part really resonated with me " Your self-worth is too attached to your request. When someone rejects your request, you take it as a personal rejection of you rather than simply seeing it as someone not wanting what you want. ". I have always been a people pleaser and trying to unlearn this bad habit has been so challenging as an adult. But this makes so much sense.
I’m a cis woman in a heterosexual relationship. I do struggle to ask for what I need and want in that and all of my previous relationships , but because I’m doing the work in sobriety I’m slowly learning howto use my words. And I love this: no one dies from Rejection. Love the Untamed quote. In 2020, that book became my Bible and helped me leave my 30 year marriage.
I needed to read this reminder today, not so much for my romantic relationship but for one with my grown daughter. It seems year 5 of sobriety is the one where I set boundaries and you know, people who benefit from my lack of them, really push back on it. As a recovering people pleaser, It’s highly uncomfortable (to be less “liked”), but it’s part of the work. Sigh.
You're so welcome, and I want to add that I still struggle with speaking up, too. Not just in romantic relationships but friendships and with my family. And I can relate to others pushing back when we start to rock the boat, as it's really not in the favor for us to set boundaries at times.
The tone of this is so weirdly dismissive and judgmental even as you bring up feminist talking points. It sounds insane to hear a man go "you need to speak up and not be afraid of hurting anyone's feelings! I mean, I guess you might be afraid of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, something you likely have already experienced or witnessed other women in your life endure. But, like, suck it up and start being a bad bitch!" It comes off so uncompassionate to the very rational fears women have that speaking up will lead to outbursts of aggression from men. You seem to logically understand that domestic and intimate partner abuse is very common, but then more or less handwave it away.
A lot of the real advice you provide near the end is sound enough, but it's such an endurance test to actually reach it. You just do not seem to come at this from kindness or with any understanding of women as people. Instead, you come at this like a bunch of individual women are just too stupid to figure out how to not be abused and you mostly want to teach them to quit bothering you. Like, you paint this whole mental image of aggressively throttling women for being afraid to speak up to men, and then have to talk yourself down out of that gut reaction?? That....sure was a thing you put there. I don't think you put nearly as much personal self-awareness or reflection as that required, though.
You're totally right. I've been struggling with the whole tone of this article but I couldn't put my finger on what wasn't right. And maybe that makes it even more tone deaf. I totally could have gotten to the point much quicker without any of the unnecessary commentary of why I'm writing it. Thank you for your feedback, it means a lot to me. Sorry, I can do better.
Your conversation with Amy Gabrielle in the comments is very revealing.
Your remark that "I'm not giving men a pass, but women aren't getting one either" equates men's treatment of women under the patriarchy and women's responses under the patriarchy as the same, for which you must scold both equally. Again, in a piece where you explicitly acknowledge that women commonly experience a range of abuse from male partners, you don't seem to be able to connect any dots with that information. Amy rightly asks you to sit with and contemplate the level of fear women experience in their daily lives, and I really think you should understand that fear is an ever-present and foundational bedrock of most women.
Your choice to include "rejection never killed anyone" in this post really highlights the fault in your thought process. It's a sentiment that would work just fine in a post addressed to men. And with your "well both sides are at fault" viewpoint, it probably seemed just as simple to dirct toward women too. But surely you can see the error of that logic. Women are especially likely to be killed after rejecting a man. Women often don't communicate clearly and directly with their words (what this post is all about) precisely because of risks to their lives should they happen to cross the wrong man on the wrong day. This could be a man she just met, is newly dating, or a husband of many years. Rejection does not have the same stakes for men and women.
You seem really open to feedback, so I hope you will think on these things.
You're 100% right. A big swing in a miss on several levels. And thank you for taking the time to read the article and to post such detailed feedback, you definitely didn't have to and I really appreciate it. I've been sitting with this feedback for a few days now and all I can say is that my writing wasn't very critical and quite lazy. I knew it when I wrote even though it took me days to write. I've implemented some of the feedback you gave me, along with other commenters, added some disclosures about having changed some sections, and will do better next time. Again, thank you.
Thanks for your honesty in these posts … us women need to clear our throats and start having a voice !! I did this a couple of days ago on a date ( after years of being a silent people pleaser ) I pointed out something he did that made me feel uncomfortable , thankfully his response was perfect and showed me that he was mature. It felt good setting boundaries .
Very good article, and speaks to me in so many ways about past relationships.
I wish you would address the same dynamic in the workplace.
I personally, feel like my opinions, ideas, suggestions, etc at work, are often just brushed aside, while less experienced males are ASKED for their input, and it is actually considered
Great point, and I think you could extrapolate the advice here and use some of it in the workplace. It for sure requires a different approach at times, but the underlying advice should still hold up.
As a man, with all due respect, I don’t think you understand if you assert yourself too much as a woman in the workplace, you either become labeled as a “bitch”, “bossy”, a “complainer”, or a “nuisance”. Even when you make VALID suggestions, you are dismissed with an “uh huh”, unless you have a boss who is not threatened by a strong woman
Yes! There's a feminist concept called "hermeneutic labour" (related but different to emotional labour) that I wrote about recently that involves trying to decipher a man's thoughts/feelings when speaking up about needs, to try to prevent the demand/withdraw dynamic that can occur. That dynamic is so painful and definitely the thing that prevents me from speaking up in relationships. Thanks for writing about this!
It's so hard, because of course we want to stay connected to those we love, and it's hard to know that speaking up might just push those people away. So, of course we try to convey just the right one and message to make sure they stay. And, all that is going to be exhausting. Thanks for putting a name to it, Ellen. Off to read about hermeneutic labour, now.
I have to add something here and its that sometimes staying is the safest thing in a severely abusive relationship . It's more than complicated... its timing , because often leaving or attempting to leave is the most dangerous time for women in an abusive relationship and can end in not just physical harm for themselves and their child/ren, but death. I lost a friend to domestic violence and it was when she was leaving with her children and he came home unexpectactly. There's not enough support for women in this area, and I feel like there is a lot of judgement for women "why didn't they just leave?" or "just leave" when staying until they have enough support can save their lives and the life of their children. I'm aware that there are organizations that help in this area, but often they are not accessible to many women or they are in a place where they aren't able to access the help. Also, the judgement for staying can add to the fear of speaking up or accessing the help they need. I think there is a more nuanced approach that required responsibility not only of the person being abused but society at large. It's systemic and putting the onus entirely on an abused woman is at minimum lacking in understanding, but also dangerous. I say this all with due respect and I appreciate the overall sentiment of this article- I just felt called to add a more nuanced perspective for this specific topic.
Yes! Thank you so much for this added context. I agree that it's much needed and to be honest, I don't have much experience with counseling victims of abuse. Thank you for adding your perspective and additional points of consideration before rocking the boat.
If that’s the case, perhaps a disclaimer regarding domestic violence with contact info for resources (as someone else suggested) might be the answer. Because its a whole other ball of wax in contrast to the other points in your article.
Yup, making the edit to include some support and resources. Thank you!
Very true…….
This is a good start, but the thing you missed is a the biggest part of the problem… you, as a man, mean well by this post, but the reality is when women speak their mind and “get down to business” or are “strong” and direct, we are considered angry or bitchy or worst of all crazy. When a man takes the same approach they are considered normal or professional. I’ve even seen you react this way to a question posed to you. Men and women think, communicate, and work differently. Women speak men expertly, but very few men speak women at the same level. Roadblocks in relationships or the workplace get further put in the way when we are labeled like this. It’s so ingrained in our society we don’t even notice the gaslighting.
Yep the problem isn’t that women aren’t speaking up directly enough, or nicely enough, about an issue, but that men feel entitled not to care and not to listen. The problem isn’t us; it’s you.
Yes, 100%, men could and should be making space, listening without being defensive, actively soliciting feedback from women, and more. And, I know from the work I've been doing, my clients, my students, and my audience, that some women are struggling with finding the words and the courage to speak up. I don't think it can be solved by only looking at one part of the problem.
Edit: changed women to "some" women.
I don’t think women are struggling to find the words or the courage. I think women are frustrated that men continue to refuse to speak their language and therefore, they have to continue to play in the man’s world via his rules and in his language. Women keep saying what they need. Men don’t hear it and don’t really want to. And of course, I don’t mean all men. But the scales are dramatically tipped against women and for men.
YESSSS
Yep and I appreciate you saying “well either speak up directly or make plans to leave” (if possible to do so safely)
Yes!! I also made almost the exact same post, especially relating to the workplace
Bravo!!! I wish I had learned all of this much younger. Just sent to my 18 year old!! 💜💕
Gosh, I love this so much. I really want to work with younger folks and this is giving me the push I need to start figuring it out. And, I still need reminded of some point these points, too!
I have always spoken up in my relationships and they've always ended because of it.
a lot of men don't want women that express their needs/speak up for themselves.
Your work has helped me find a mature stable fun relationship post divorce, so thank you, you have helped give me the words. I’d love to see a part two article directed at men (or really anyone)…”how can you create a safe space in your relationship for your partner to feel safe sharing something tough with you?”
I'm so happy to hear that! And part two is already written and it's directed at how men can be better and give room/make space for women to step fully into their truth.
I think you have this a$$ backwards. I am actually a fan, I'm not a hater at all, but this article got my blood boiling. In 2021, men only made up 40.5% of undergrad students. This has been a trend for years, and the gap is getting wider. Let's see why this matters.
The problems with educating boys starts in elementary school. The focus in schools has shifted away from play and physical activity, which is necessary to get the developing brain ready to learn. Instead, students spend much of the day sitting, which is harder for boys at the elementary level.
By the time they get to middle school, boya are already behind, and mask their embarrassment and negative self esteem with devaluing school, believing it's uncool to be smart. Boys are not socialized to please the teacher and do well in school the way girls are, to their detriment.
Boys' athletic accomplishments and video game prowess are more highly rewarded than being smart (seen as a negative, feminine trait). They continue to receive messages about masculinity that reinforces traditional gender stereotypes: boys don't talk about their feelings, they don't cry, they are not sensitive to the needs of others, they lead through physical strength, etc.
We're left with young men who don't see the value in education, they couldn't get into college, or they got in and didn't graduate. Deep down they feel crappy about themselves, while simultaneously receiving messages that they are entitled the jobs they want, the women they want, the cars they want, and all the things they think they should have.
We see it daily in the profiles of mass shooters, the way men treat women online, men who shut down and won't talk about their feelings because they don't know how, we see it in the pervasiveness of rape culture. Perhaps historically, we [women] didn't get ourselves here; you [men] put you here, but that ship has sailed.
Men are not getting a pass like they used to. They are being asked to perform at the same level as women (who work twice as hard) and they can't. Stop telling women what WE have to do to make relationships work, and start telling men to get their shit together.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. Yes, 100%, we need men to do better. I'm totally with you on this, and, it's not one or the other. I'm not giving men a pass, but women aren't getting one either. I hear from women daily saying they don't have the courage or the language to speak up. They don't know how to speak up and verbalize their needs, they're terrified of rocking the boat, and they need more practice doing it. So yes, men need to do better, and I'll be addressing this shortly, but women need help, too.
I get that, and I'm frustrated too with women (and sometimes myself) for being afraid of verbalizing their their (our) needs. I just wonder if, as a man, you can fully understand the depth of the fear women feel.
Do you really understand what it means to rather be stuck in the middle of nowhere with bear rather than a man? Have you ever been attacked and not believed? Has anyone asked you what you were wearing or why you were walking alone?
I'm not attacking you, and I'm happy if you've never experienced being interrogated when you are the victim. I'm just saying it's not as simple as shaking women or screaming "Just fucking speak up for yourselves." There can be violent, sometimes deadly consequences to confronting a man like that.
Women need to feel safe before they open up about their feelings, their needs and desires. I understand that men need to feel emotionally safe to do the same, but I felt you were missing the point by not confronting the real, physical danger women face when confronting fragile men.
Yup, I hear you, I missed the mark with the tone of this post and the language that I used. And, no, I've never experienced the kind of fear that women feel on a daily basis. I wasn't going to let that stop me from sharing tools that might be helpful, though. I'm listening and reading, and will try to do better next time. I'm new to writing longer form posts and need to be more mindful of the implications of writing on complex subjects. I don't feel attacked by you and I appreciate the time you took to leave feedback and engage with me. Thank you.
A Cis man writing this feels even more liberating to read. A reassurance that there are men out there who celebrate outspoken and need-aware women. Thanks Shaun. As a therapist I will be sharing this with my clients. As a person currently in couples therapy and feeling that “ah but I’m a couples therapist I should be good at this” shame, this feels so aligned with the work my partner and I are currently doing. Looking forward to part two. ✨🙏🏻
Yes yes yes! It was a bit scary to write, for sure, because I don't want to step on any landmines, but also, metaphorical land mines won't kill me either! The amount of times I've told myself " I should know how to do this"... as a love coach 🫠
So pleased you wrote it, despite the fear 💪🏼❤️
Thanks , Shaun. Definitely helpful for this gay dude.
I love this.
My own experience is that confrontation like this can create a moment of “disconnect”
And even though I believe it will create deeper connection in the future, there is always an level of faith required. My avoidance is usually rooted in a lack of trust in the ability to repair, and feeling like I have to control the delivery in some way like:
“I want us to be closer. Im going to tell you something that might be challenging to hear. Its a place where we are already disconnecting, and I want to repair it, are you game?”
Then it feels like a bid for connection rather than a criticism or a wedge in our connection.
YESSSSSSS 🙌🏼 🤩 what a great article and as always, simple, to the point, both light & serious at the same time, and full of the bolshy bitch vibes that my “don’t want to hurt his feelings” girlie needed to hear.
I am soooo digging this vibe right now … the next guy who steps into my life better be ready 🤣
I love this one!!! This part really resonated with me " Your self-worth is too attached to your request. When someone rejects your request, you take it as a personal rejection of you rather than simply seeing it as someone not wanting what you want. ". I have always been a people pleaser and trying to unlearn this bad habit has been so challenging as an adult. But this makes so much sense.
I’m a cis woman in a heterosexual relationship. I do struggle to ask for what I need and want in that and all of my previous relationships , but because I’m doing the work in sobriety I’m slowly learning howto use my words. And I love this: no one dies from Rejection. Love the Untamed quote. In 2020, that book became my Bible and helped me leave my 30 year marriage.
I needed to read this reminder today, not so much for my romantic relationship but for one with my grown daughter. It seems year 5 of sobriety is the one where I set boundaries and you know, people who benefit from my lack of them, really push back on it. As a recovering people pleaser, It’s highly uncomfortable (to be less “liked”), but it’s part of the work. Sigh.
Thank you for this post, Shaun.
You're so welcome, and I want to add that I still struggle with speaking up, too. Not just in romantic relationships but friendships and with my family. And I can relate to others pushing back when we start to rock the boat, as it's really not in the favor for us to set boundaries at times.
The tone of this is so weirdly dismissive and judgmental even as you bring up feminist talking points. It sounds insane to hear a man go "you need to speak up and not be afraid of hurting anyone's feelings! I mean, I guess you might be afraid of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, something you likely have already experienced or witnessed other women in your life endure. But, like, suck it up and start being a bad bitch!" It comes off so uncompassionate to the very rational fears women have that speaking up will lead to outbursts of aggression from men. You seem to logically understand that domestic and intimate partner abuse is very common, but then more or less handwave it away.
A lot of the real advice you provide near the end is sound enough, but it's such an endurance test to actually reach it. You just do not seem to come at this from kindness or with any understanding of women as people. Instead, you come at this like a bunch of individual women are just too stupid to figure out how to not be abused and you mostly want to teach them to quit bothering you. Like, you paint this whole mental image of aggressively throttling women for being afraid to speak up to men, and then have to talk yourself down out of that gut reaction?? That....sure was a thing you put there. I don't think you put nearly as much personal self-awareness or reflection as that required, though.
You're totally right. I've been struggling with the whole tone of this article but I couldn't put my finger on what wasn't right. And maybe that makes it even more tone deaf. I totally could have gotten to the point much quicker without any of the unnecessary commentary of why I'm writing it. Thank you for your feedback, it means a lot to me. Sorry, I can do better.
Your conversation with Amy Gabrielle in the comments is very revealing.
Your remark that "I'm not giving men a pass, but women aren't getting one either" equates men's treatment of women under the patriarchy and women's responses under the patriarchy as the same, for which you must scold both equally. Again, in a piece where you explicitly acknowledge that women commonly experience a range of abuse from male partners, you don't seem to be able to connect any dots with that information. Amy rightly asks you to sit with and contemplate the level of fear women experience in their daily lives, and I really think you should understand that fear is an ever-present and foundational bedrock of most women.
Your choice to include "rejection never killed anyone" in this post really highlights the fault in your thought process. It's a sentiment that would work just fine in a post addressed to men. And with your "well both sides are at fault" viewpoint, it probably seemed just as simple to dirct toward women too. But surely you can see the error of that logic. Women are especially likely to be killed after rejecting a man. Women often don't communicate clearly and directly with their words (what this post is all about) precisely because of risks to their lives should they happen to cross the wrong man on the wrong day. This could be a man she just met, is newly dating, or a husband of many years. Rejection does not have the same stakes for men and women.
You seem really open to feedback, so I hope you will think on these things.
You're 100% right. A big swing in a miss on several levels. And thank you for taking the time to read the article and to post such detailed feedback, you definitely didn't have to and I really appreciate it. I've been sitting with this feedback for a few days now and all I can say is that my writing wasn't very critical and quite lazy. I knew it when I wrote even though it took me days to write. I've implemented some of the feedback you gave me, along with other commenters, added some disclosures about having changed some sections, and will do better next time. Again, thank you.
Thanks for your honesty in these posts … us women need to clear our throats and start having a voice !! I did this a couple of days ago on a date ( after years of being a silent people pleaser ) I pointed out something he did that made me feel uncomfortable , thankfully his response was perfect and showed me that he was mature. It felt good setting boundaries .
Very good article, and speaks to me in so many ways about past relationships.
I wish you would address the same dynamic in the workplace.
I personally, feel like my opinions, ideas, suggestions, etc at work, are often just brushed aside, while less experienced males are ASKED for their input, and it is actually considered
Great point, and I think you could extrapolate the advice here and use some of it in the workplace. It for sure requires a different approach at times, but the underlying advice should still hold up.
As a man, with all due respect, I don’t think you understand if you assert yourself too much as a woman in the workplace, you either become labeled as a “bitch”, “bossy”, a “complainer”, or a “nuisance”. Even when you make VALID suggestions, you are dismissed with an “uh huh”, unless you have a boss who is not threatened by a strong woman