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Ellen Hookey's avatar

Yes! There's a feminist concept called "hermeneutic labour" (related but different to emotional labour) that I wrote about recently that involves trying to decipher a man's thoughts/feelings when speaking up about needs, to try to prevent the demand/withdraw dynamic that can occur. That dynamic is so painful and definitely the thing that prevents me from speaking up in relationships. Thanks for writing about this!

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Connie Norsworthy's avatar

I have to add something here and its that sometimes staying is the safest thing in a severely abusive relationship . It's more than complicated... its timing , because often leaving or attempting to leave is the most dangerous time for women in an abusive relationship and can end in not just physical harm for themselves and their child/ren, but death. I lost a friend to domestic violence and it was when she was leaving with her children and he came home unexpectactly. There's not enough support for women in this area, and I feel like there is a lot of judgement for women "why didn't they just leave?" or "just leave" when staying until they have enough support can save their lives and the life of their children. I'm aware that there are organizations that help in this area, but often they are not accessible to many women or they are in a place where they aren't able to access the help. Also, the judgement for staying can add to the fear of speaking up or accessing the help they need. I think there is a more nuanced approach that required responsibility not only of the person being abused but society at large. It's systemic and putting the onus entirely on an abused woman is at minimum lacking in understanding, but also dangerous. I say this all with due respect and I appreciate the overall sentiment of this article- I just felt called to add a more nuanced perspective for this specific topic.

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