How women can start speaking up to men
It's time to make some waves, rock the boat, and stop protecting men's feelings
Note: I’ve made several edits to this post based on feedback I received from women who left comments. Thank you all for helping me write a better, more inclusive post and to be more critical of the content I create. Your feedback means the world to me.
I’m writing this partly for women who want to start speaking up in their relationships, stand tall, and own their desires, and partly for anyone who needs more courage, language, and a much-needed pep-talk to live a more aligned life.
Deep down, I want all of you, regardless of gender, to live a fulfilled life. A life where you courageously ask for what you want, feel safe bringing up sensitive topics with no fear of violence or abuse, say no to what isn't for you, and where all communication brings more intimacy to your life and relationships.
I get so many questions from women like these:
BF’s behavior gives me the ick, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. How to stop?
Ex won't stop calling, so I blocked him. Too harsh?
Boss won’t stop dumping extra work on me and i don’t know what to say.
How do I nicely tell a guy his pp hygiene isn’t great? Should I be blunt?
It boils down to:
"How do I communicate something potentially sensitive without offending or angering my male partner?"
Sadly, you don’t feel supported, courageous, or safe enough to speak up. I started to reflect on how we got ourselves in this position in the first place, and it all makes sense.
You didn't get yourself here; we put you here. We molded you from birth to be docile, to disappear, to put the needs of your men above your own. We didn't give you safe spaces for challenging conversations free of judgment, retaliation, or ridicule. Your fathers and grandfathers didn't model emotional sensibility, humility, and resilient egos. We didn't give you an equal seat at the table, any table. And we didn't encourage you to say no when you needed to because it was better for us if you didn't.
I'm sorry about all of that. I wish you felt more comfortable speaking freely without fear of the men in your lives blowing up, acting out, or shutting you down at the slightest sign of confrontation or displeasure.
Let's do something about it.
In this post, I'll give you some tools and perspectives to start speaking up for what you want without worrying about how you'll be perceived. Later this month, I'll touch on what men can do to develop humility, drop their fragile egos, and be more accommodating to the women in their lives.
And for everyone who doesn’t struggle speaking up and feels comfortable speaking their mind to whomever, I’m so happy to hear that. I invite you to help your fellow sisters struggling to find their voice and use it with the men in their lives.
Note: To all my queer folks who don't date men, and even those who do, please read this post with a soft focus and swap out any genders or hetero lens you need to get what you need. If you struggle to speak up in your life, then I hope you read on to get some insights that may be useful.
Why I think women are afraid of speaking up:
Getting rejected or hearing a "no."
If you speak up for what you want, you may get a no from the man in your life. It's easier to live in the status quo than to risk getting rejected. And if you never ask, the fantasy of getting what you need can stay alive. Getting a no will burst the bubble of eventually getting what you want with this person.
Also, receiving a "no" can be hurtful if you have little experience with rejection. Your self-worth is too attached to your request. When someone rejects your request, you take it as a personal rejection of you rather than simply seeing it as someone not wanting what you want.
Hurting his feelings
You don't want to hurt a loved one, and while that's admirable, you're probably hurting yourself in the process by keeping quiet. You've decided not to speak up to make the situation more comfortable for everyone. Yes, even you. Because hurting someone's feelings will make you uncomfortable. So, you'd rather suffer quietly than speak up, potentially worsening the situation.
You're also protecting yourself from the unpredictability of how they'll respond. So, you shove that desire down and learn to live with it rather than create a situation you're unsure how to deal with. It makes perfect sense why you would, but it won't get you what you want.
Getting abandoned or ridiculed
If you speak up, you fear your man will leave you, make fun of you, or use what you’ve shared against you. These are all very valid reasons for not speaking up. If the fear of getting abandoned is strong, then staying quiet and going without some of your needs is better than being left completely alone.
If speaking leads to your partner using that information against you, making fun of you, making fun of your request, or throwing it in your face, then keeping it to yourself feels like the safer option.
Fear of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse
For you, speaking up means being the victim of emotional, sexual, or physical violence. This may have happened to you in the past, so you have data to show that it might happen again. Or you've seen it happen to your mother, sister, or friend, preventing you from speaking up.
The most important thing is staying safe and doing whatever you need to do to achieve that. Speaking up might be the wrong thing, so I’m not suggesting you speak up at any cost.
Note: Please see the Support and Resources sections at the end of this post for links to organizations that can help if you’re a victim of domestic violence.
Your men are "too sensitive"
The stereotype that women are too sensitive is hilarious because what is a fragile male ego if not a sensitivity to feedback and criticism? Sure, women might experience sadness as their primary emotion when receiving criticism, but men's use of anger and defensiveness is no better. Both demonstrate a sensitivity to what they perceive as negative feedback about their character.
What else did I miss?
As a cis man with no lived experience as a woman, I'm sure I missed some reasons you're afraid of speaking up. Please drop a comment below to let me know what has prevented you from speaking up in the past. And thank you to everyone who has.
How to speak up to the men in your life
A reminder to sub out any pronouns to make this article more relevant to you. If you struggle to speak up, then it's for you.
You don't ask; you don't get.
Period. A closed mouth doesn't get fed. It's really that simple. The best way to get what you want is to ask for it. Whether it's a date, asking your partner to start putting away the dishes, more sex, or a particular kind of sex, your relationships will not improve without communicating your needs, desires, and boundaries.
Hoping they eventually pick up what you're putting down without verbalizing your needs is a strategy for significant disappointment. You've heard it from me and I’ll say it again: use your words. There’s no better way to gain clarity in your relationships than by beating directly and speaking up about what you need. My therapist used to love saying, “the more you communicate, the more they communicate.” And if you find yourself with a partner who stonewalls or gives you the silent treatment, you’re getting great information about what kind of person they are, and you can make informed decisions about whether that works for you moving forward.
Disappoint people
My favorite quote is from Glennon Doyle's book Untamed.
"Every time you're given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself."
This might sound selfish, but if you struggle to advocate for yourself, this is precisely what you must do. There's no glory in being a martyr; you won't win prizes for being the most accommodating person. Being a victim will sometimes get you sympathy, but it won't get you what you want.
Remember, this is a post about making waves, rocking boats, and speaking the fuck up. Keep your eye on the prize.
Hurt people's feelings
We're obsessed with not hurting people's feelings, and it needs to stop. The main problem with trying to protect their feelings is that it often requires abandoning your own needs in service of theirs. Why are their needs more important than yours?
And who's to say what you say will hurt their feelings? It's incredibly presumptuous to assume you know how someone will feel if you live and speak your truth.
Sometimes, we need to feel hurt. Our feelings often inform our actions. Having someone tell us our breath smells or that we're inconsiderate might be the push we need to modify our behavior. It might be just the thing for our growth.
Stop caring what others think of you so much
"What other people think of me is none of my business."
I learned this in twelve-step recovery (AA), and I stand by it even though it's hard to implement.
We should care less about how we're perceived and more about living aligned with our most authentic desires. Holding back because you fear being judged by people who probably aren't thinking about you as much as you think they are is a great way to stay small. Nobody has time to live a small life.
The shit sandwich
This is how you bring up sensitive topics to a loved one. Compliment, request, compliment. In this framework, the request is the shit.
"Honey, I love you. And this is hard for me to say but your breath is stinky. Can you go brush your teeth and make an appointment with your doctor? It might be worth getting checked out. I want you healthy because you mean so much to me."
"I love spending time with you, but when you check out other women while we're out together, it makes me feel insecure. Can you please stop? I want to enjoy being out with you, and this is making it hard."
But not everything requires a sandwich. Sometimes you need to give them shit only, hold the bread.
Say the thing, and then shut up
In sales, we call this the Golden Silence. You quote the price, and then you STFU.
"The contract will cost $200,000."
"Please put your skid-marked underwear in the wash instead of leaving them on the ground."
"This isn't working for me anymore."
"I'm leaving you and I want a divorce."
And then you shut up and let them process what you've told them. There is no need to overexplain, make excuses, or provide reasoning. Say the thing and shut up. They will say something eventually.
Get used to people saying no
The more you ask, the more rejection you'll get; it's simple math. If you never ask, you never have to feel the pain of rejection. You're protecting yourself while keeping yourself small. You can't have both.
That said, some people are more sensitive to rejection than others. Rejection sensitivity dysmorphia “is when you experience severe emotional pain because of a failure or feeling rejected. This condition is linked to ADHD and experts suspect it happens due to differences in brain structure. Those differences mean your brain can’t regulate rejection-related emotions and behaviors, making them much more intense.”
That said, developing some rejection resilience will probably help in the long run when facing the fear of speaking up for a promotion, asking someone out, or requesting behavior modification from a loved one.
Get comfortable with others' discomfort
The more you communicate your discomfort, the more discomfort you may create in others. In both scenarios, there will be discomfort.
But you don’t need to be the only one who suffers. Remember that quote about disappointing others to prevent disappointing yourself? Remember that next time you think about bottling up whatever you need to say to avoid disappointing or hurting someone else.
And sometimes, you might have to leave the dude.
Leave your fragile boyfriend or partner
Some of you are dating men who aren’t able to meet you where you are, and it's time to walk away. Men incapable of self-reflection, who take criticism poorly, stonewall and refuse to have challenging conversations, who blow up and get defensive at feedback, and who lack humility make terrible partners.
If you've tried to work it out, using different ways of talking about sensitive topics, giving pass after pass, and making excuses for their shitty behavior, ultimately living in the shadow of this loser, it's time to go.
You need to leave. I believe you can do better; even if you can't, being alone is better. At least when you're alone, you can do whatever the fuck you want without fear of retaliation, ridicule, or worse.
Ps. I know that leaving isn't simple, especially if there's a history of abuse or if you have kids. But if you can manage it and have kids, your children will see a woman who stood up and took the empowering path rather than continuing to abandon herself. And just because leaving is hard doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.
Note: Some lovely readers have left resources for people experiencing abuse and who need support in the comments, and I’ve included some of them in a Support and Resources section. Scroll down if you’re looking for resources to help you exit an abusive relationship.
The new, more empowered, you
Look, none of this will be easy, but it’s time. If you resonate with this post, I invite you to start living differently. Start speaking up for yourself, advocating for your needs, and rocking that boat a little. You don’t have to make big waves to start, but any movement towards being more vocal about your needs is essential.
You might lose a few people along the way, but you’ll gain the respect of others and, more importantly, yourself.
Some great men can handle criticism and feedback, want you to feel empowered and strong, and value women who are courageous enough to speak up for their needs. Making waves and rocking the boat will show you who those people are.
Support and Resources
Here are some resources and support if you’re a victim of domestic violence or physical and sexual abuse. If you have more resources you’d like me to add, please leave them as a comment, and I’ll happily add them. Thank you.
For USA:
National Domestic Violence Hotline is available in English, Spanish and 200+ other languages through interpretation service and is 24/7, 365. This line can also provide more localized resources to callers.
Website:
Phone number: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Live Chat: Link on the website
Text option: text "START" to 88788
For Canada:
Here is a compilation of national services, crisis lines, and services by province/territory. This page has a full list of services for women, women + children, youth, and indigenous people. Ontario province also has a Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse 24/7 Crisis Line: 1-866-887-0015.
Also Sheltersafe.ca: Provides information and a clickable map to help connect women and their children to shelter and support.
Yes! There's a feminist concept called "hermeneutic labour" (related but different to emotional labour) that I wrote about recently that involves trying to decipher a man's thoughts/feelings when speaking up about needs, to try to prevent the demand/withdraw dynamic that can occur. That dynamic is so painful and definitely the thing that prevents me from speaking up in relationships. Thanks for writing about this!
I have to add something here and its that sometimes staying is the safest thing in a severely abusive relationship . It's more than complicated... its timing , because often leaving or attempting to leave is the most dangerous time for women in an abusive relationship and can end in not just physical harm for themselves and their child/ren, but death. I lost a friend to domestic violence and it was when she was leaving with her children and he came home unexpectactly. There's not enough support for women in this area, and I feel like there is a lot of judgement for women "why didn't they just leave?" or "just leave" when staying until they have enough support can save their lives and the life of their children. I'm aware that there are organizations that help in this area, but often they are not accessible to many women or they are in a place where they aren't able to access the help. Also, the judgement for staying can add to the fear of speaking up or accessing the help they need. I think there is a more nuanced approach that required responsibility not only of the person being abused but society at large. It's systemic and putting the onus entirely on an abused woman is at minimum lacking in understanding, but also dangerous. I say this all with due respect and I appreciate the overall sentiment of this article- I just felt called to add a more nuanced perspective for this specific topic.