A nine-step guide, with examples, to having a hard conversation about feelings and hurtful behaviors so you can feel love, safe, and fulfilled in your relationships.
This was exactly what I needed to read today. Thank you. 4 months out of a LTR where almost every time I raised how his negative behaviour led me to feel, I was met with dismissal, invalidation and rejection. I was told my feelings were too much, not appropriate, my triggers were not his responsibility, my timing was inconvenient etc etc. I’ve been holding a lot of shame just for raising how I felt but I see now from your article that actually I did the right thing (not always perfectly but good enough) and his discomfort around receiving my feedback was on him.
I'm so glad you're out. You cannot build a relationship with someone who never makes time to discuss how they're impacting you. These conversations should be normal and often, so as to create a safe, secure, and loving partnership.
I’d love to recommend checking out feelingswheel.app. It’s an interactive Feelings Wheel that makes it easier to identify how you’re feeling. Plus, it includes some helpful AI recommendations to support you in processing and managing your emotions. I think you’ll find it really useful!
I need advice on what to do when my partner always always jumps to defensiveness when I voice my needs. The answer from him always ends up being “I’m sorry but …” is it ever ok to caveat an apology?
Sure, every now and then, but not always. "I'm sorry" doesn't require an explanation, just a willingness to see how they've hurt you and a desire to modify the behavior.
I'm in the process of learning more about the deep-set need to regulate my emotions without them regulating me, I got so affected by a situation recently I ended up sick in bed because of the intensity of my feelings about the problem. Thank you for this post. I feel like this can be a turning point!
Super helpful read. In a prior relationship, every conversation about my feelings turned into an argument. This kindly helped point out the ways I was contributing to that dynamic and provided good examples of better approaches I can try. Thanks Shaun! I love the feelings wheel as well. Definitely helpful in expanding my emotional vocabulary beyond the very basic emotions. 😊
Great read—thanks for the examples! The one about childhood and past trauma 🔥 —wish everyone could communicate this way.
Now, everyone, go to Shaun’s other article about what to do when partners don’t receive the message and try to do better. Especially if we’re communicating our needs respectfully.
This part: "Your emotions communicate with you, and different feelings will inform you which needs are being met and which might need extra attention." I LOVE how you connect the dots between our emotions and what they're telling us about our needs. So good.
Nicely written. This is stuff that I’m better at now—after years of personal work—but can still miss here and there in the heat of things. Perhaps you could add that? “Calm down before attempting” 🤣
This is the hard stuff but it is so worth it. Thank you! Love the intro you mentioned about how you might fuck it up. That let's the person know that you feel vulnerable and nervous about sharing. I'm going to use that!
This was exactly what I needed to read today. Thank you. 4 months out of a LTR where almost every time I raised how his negative behaviour led me to feel, I was met with dismissal, invalidation and rejection. I was told my feelings were too much, not appropriate, my triggers were not his responsibility, my timing was inconvenient etc etc. I’ve been holding a lot of shame just for raising how I felt but I see now from your article that actually I did the right thing (not always perfectly but good enough) and his discomfort around receiving my feedback was on him.
I'm so glad you're out. You cannot build a relationship with someone who never makes time to discuss how they're impacting you. These conversations should be normal and often, so as to create a safe, secure, and loving partnership.
I’d love to recommend checking out feelingswheel.app. It’s an interactive Feelings Wheel that makes it easier to identify how you’re feeling. Plus, it includes some helpful AI recommendations to support you in processing and managing your emotions. I think you’ll find it really useful!
Thank you for sharing this!
" You are a collection of stories , experiences , and traumas ". WOW. Just WOW.
I need advice on what to do when my partner always always jumps to defensiveness when I voice my needs. The answer from him always ends up being “I’m sorry but …” is it ever ok to caveat an apology?
Sure, every now and then, but not always. "I'm sorry" doesn't require an explanation, just a willingness to see how they've hurt you and a desire to modify the behavior.
I'm in the process of learning more about the deep-set need to regulate my emotions without them regulating me, I got so affected by a situation recently I ended up sick in bed because of the intensity of my feelings about the problem. Thank you for this post. I feel like this can be a turning point!
Super helpful read. In a prior relationship, every conversation about my feelings turned into an argument. This kindly helped point out the ways I was contributing to that dynamic and provided good examples of better approaches I can try. Thanks Shaun! I love the feelings wheel as well. Definitely helpful in expanding my emotional vocabulary beyond the very basic emotions. 😊
A well written how-to feelings guide complete with feeling wheel... NICE.
Great read—thanks for the examples! The one about childhood and past trauma 🔥 —wish everyone could communicate this way.
Now, everyone, go to Shaun’s other article about what to do when partners don’t receive the message and try to do better. Especially if we’re communicating our needs respectfully.
Thank you for this. Chock-full with so many great examples and scenarios, I can see myself coming back to this article often! 🙌
This part: "Your emotions communicate with you, and different feelings will inform you which needs are being met and which might need extra attention." I LOVE how you connect the dots between our emotions and what they're telling us about our needs. So good.
Nicely written. This is stuff that I’m better at now—after years of personal work—but can still miss here and there in the heat of things. Perhaps you could add that? “Calm down before attempting” 🤣
This is the hard stuff but it is so worth it. Thank you! Love the intro you mentioned about how you might fuck it up. That let's the person know that you feel vulnerable and nervous about sharing. I'm going to use that!
❤️ The Wheel of Emotions 4eva 😍
I have cushion covers of them for my retreats!
So good! Thank you! This is the EXACT read I needed this morning. Oh, the universe. 🙏🏻