How to talk about hurt feelings and hurtful behaviors

A nine-step guide, with examples, to having a hard conversation about feelings and setting boundaries.

There’s something so challenging about telling someone they hurt your feelings, or setting boundaries in your relationship. And it’s exactly what we need to feel safe, respected, and fulfilled in a relationship. I’ll show you why it’s crucial and how to have this conversation.

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In her book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations For A Lifetime of Love, Dr. Sue Johnson wrote,

"We're naturally reluctant to confront our vulnerabilities. We live in a society that says we're supposed to be strong, to be invulnerable. Our inclination is to ignore or deny our frailty."

And yet, this is what needs to happen. Rock solid relationships are built by openly communicating the hard stuff, and opening your heart to love.

We must let our lovers know how we're feeling to create a solid and secure bond with a loved one. We have to open up to them slowly over time. A great way to start doing that work is to let someone know they did something that hurt your feelings.

I know this can be scary because you might think that your loved one will leave you if you bring up hurtful and unwanted behavior.

Or that showing your pain and sadness means that you're needy and clingy.

While I can't guarantee that your partner won't leave you (we don't get guarantees on love, no matter what we do), let me assure you there’s nothing needy about having emotions.

Building a strong and healthy emotional attachment to a loved one requires courage, strength, and a willingness to open up to one's emotional reality. Don't worry; we'll do this together.

But first.

Feelings are a normal part of the human experience.

Feelings are not weird, shameful, or abnormal. In fact, they are one of the most beautiful parts of being human.

We are an incredibly complex species. The richness of our emotional landscape can be overwhelming at times. Especially if you're not used to sitting with uncomfortable emotions, getting curious about your feelings, and developing the sensitivity to identify your feelings and why.

Here's the deal: the more curious you get about your feelings, and the more you talk about them, the easier it becomes to identify them and learn what they have to tell you.

Your emotions communicate with you, and different feelings will inform you which needs are being met and which might need extra attention.

• Feeling sadness might mean that your need for connection, attention, and connection is lacking.

• Feeling anger might mean that your need for respect and care needs some attention.

• Feeling disappointment could indicate that something is amiss in your relationship and how your partner shows up for you.

When a feeling is connected to something someone said or did, it's crucial to have the language and tools to talk about it with that person.

Culturally, we need to normalize conversations about feelings and what people can do to support us in feeling happy, fulfilled and loved. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Suppose you're unsure what you feel and want to develop your language around your emotional landscape. In that case, the feelings wheel is the best resource to help you identify what might be happening inside. I use this resource with my clients every week.

When you have a decent idea of your feelings and why, follow these steps to talk with your loved ones about how their behavior impacts you.

Remember, you don't have to do this perfectly. I'd rather you try and mess up than not try at all.

Nine Steps to bringing up hurtful and unwanted behaviors

1. Take ownership of your emotional experience

No one makes you feel anything. This step is hard to understand but crucial to becoming a sovereign and whole being. People don't make you feel anything, but they act in ways or say things that bring up feelings in you.

In other words, people trigger an emotional response in your body/mind/heart/soul by behaving in a particular way.

Drop the expression, "You make me so angry!" and replace it with, "When you didn't show up last night, I felt embarrassed."

2. Open up slowly

When you're ready to discuss behavior that has impacted you, start by sharing how difficult this is for you.

"It's hard for me to share this, but it's important that I do it."

Or

"I'm going to share with you something difficult for me to talk about, and I might fuck this up."

I use this format whenever I'm sharing something difficult and am afraid of making a mistake.

3. Be specific about the trigger behavior

Be specific when you bring up a hurtful, offensive, or unwanted behavior.

Being specific helps keep the focus on the most recent emotional response. Over time, the more you do this, the better you'll get at identifying the exact action or comment that triggered an unpleasant emotion.

Examples of specific behaviors:

"When you cut me off while I was talking…"

"When you flirted with the server last night…"

"When you propose solutions instead of listening…"

"When you dismissed my idea just now…"

"When you told me I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about…"

"When you called me incompetent in front of the whole staff…"

"When you told me I was overreacting…"

"When you showed up an hour late to our appointment…"

"When you said you would call last night and didn't…"

4. Bring up one unwanted behavior at a time

It can be tempting to throw everything the person has ever done wrong into the conversation, but that's a setup for failure.

If you want to have a fruitful conversation, stick to bringing up one behavior, action, or comment per session. If you feel tempted to bring it all up, note the specific behaviors you want to bring up and save them for another time.

It's easy to get carried away and bring up past hurtful behaviors; don't do this. It'll most likely lead to your partner getting defensive and turning the conversation into an argument.

This is not the time to discuss how they stood you up at Christmas in 2016 (that's a blog post for another day).

5. Avoid "you never" or "you always" language

People get very defensive when they hear absolutes because, for the most part, they aren't true.

"You never take out the trash."

"You always belittle me."

"You never watch anything I want to watch."

"You always come before I do."

"You never pick up after yourself."

When you use this language, you set them up to fail. It's hard to recover and repair from this kind of accusation. People often get defensive and start listing out every time they did what you claimed they never did.

And then we're not headed towards a loving and healthy discussion about unwanted behavior; you're falling into an argument that no one can win.\

6. Be prompt (if possible)

Whenever possible, try to bring up the behavior when it happens.

I know it's not always possible because of when the trigger happens (at a party, in the middle of a work meeting, or infront of the children) or because you're not aware of the impact of that behavior right when it happens.

Sometimes, it takes a while to feel that something didn't sit right, and that's OK. You can have a conversation about it when it's more appropriate.

If you can recognize offensive or unwanted behavior immediately and have the opportunity and space to bring it up, do it.

When appropriate, there's no better time than the present moment.

7. Talk about the feeling

After identifying the trigger, tell them what feeling comes up for you.

"When you did this, I felt this."

That's it. Check these examples:

"When you flirted with the server last night, I felt ridiculed."

"When you raised your voice just now, I felt inferior."

"When you comment on my lack of performance, I feel inadequate."

"When you told me I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about, I felt powerless."

"When you called me incompetent in front of the whole staff, I felt embarrassed."

"When you showed up an hour late to our appointment, I felt worthless."

"I felt lonely when you said you would call last night and didn't.

8 Share the story that you're telling yourself

You are a collection of stories, experiences, and traumas.

Most people don't know these stories, and it's helpful to shed a little light on why you feel a certain way if you have the awareness to do so.

Sharing the story you're telling yourself gives more context about why you feel the way you do. It's a beautiful (and vulnerable) way of sharing your history with your loved one.

Let's look at these examples:

"When you cut me off just then as I was talking, I felt powerless. It feels a lot like how my dad used to talk to us when we were little. There was never any room for us to express ourselves. I know that's not your intention, but that's how it feels to me. And when you do that, I tend to disconnect and shut down, even though that's the last thing I want."

Notice how I told a story about childhood? "When you do this, it feels a lot like when my dad used to do that…."

Here's another example:

"Just now, when you said, "You have no idea what you're talking about, "I felt inadequate. The story I tell myself is that I'm less than you and that we'll never be equals. I know that's probably not your intention, and that's how it feels. I want us to be equals in this relationship, and when you tell me I have no idea what I'm talking about, I have a hard time seeing that happening."

And, another:

"When you pressure me to have sex when I don't want to, I feel threatened. You might not know this about me, but when I was younger, people pressured me to have sex when I didn't want to. I never felt safe to say no because I was scared of their reaction. I know you wouldn't ever hurt me, but when you pressure me, that's what comes up, and it's scary. You had no way of knowing because I've never told you, and I'm telling you now."

This is the high-quality information that your loved ones need to understand your triggers and what they touch inside you. The more you share about what's going on with you, the more your person will understand you.

9. Share the impact of the behavior.

Sometimes, you don't have a story, but you can share the importance and impact of what's happening to you.

Let's look at a few more examples:

"When you raised your voice just now, I felt inferior. It's important to me that we communicate with love and respect. When you raise your voice, I feel small, scared, and not an important part of this relationship. It's OK for you to be angry, but it's not OK for you to raise your voice or yell at me."

"When you called me incompetent in front of the whole staff, I felt embarrassed. I need to work in an environment where I'm respected and not embarrassed in front of my coworkers. If you have a problem with my work's quality, please talk to me about it in private. This job means a lot to me, and I want to be the best employee I can be."

"When you showed up an hour late to our appointment, I felt worthless. I need to have relationships with people who value my time and my worth. When you show up late without calling, I feel less than, and it feels bad in my body."

What this will accomplish in your relationships

Eventually, you do this enough, and people will start intending what you need more because they have the information to proceed with care and love.

Sometimes, this is enough.

Your person will understand their behavior's impact on you, and there's no need to make a request.

They'll know that you're asking, without asking, not to cut you off, not telling you that you have no idea what you're talking about, or not pressure you for sex.

Sometimes, sharing the impact of the story is enough. God bless those who can adjust their behavior without making a request.

And sometimes, a request is necessary.

It's the action step that some people crave to understand better how to support you best. And there's nothing wrong with people who need more information. It helps them make sense of the situation and gives them a clear path forward.

Speak up for yourself

There's no better way to build the kind of love life that you're proud of than by speaking up for yourself. Yes, it can be scary. Yes, it can all go sideways. And yes, there's nothing easy about this work.

But you are ultimately responsible for your happiness and the quality of your relationships.

The best way to have more fulfilling and nurturing relationships is to share with others how their behavior impacts your life. The more you do this, the closer your relationships will be.

Some people won't handle being 'called out' with grace and love. That's too bad, and it's also OK. Because you're not calling anyone out, you're speaking up for yourself and telling others what you need to be safe, loved, and respected.

That is work worth doing, all that every day.

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Tale care, you.

Shaun