How to help when you're overwhelmed
Strategies for being a helper, resources to help wildfire relief, and my week in LA.
Last week, I planned to write about how to bring intimacy to casual relationships, and then LA horrifically caught on fire.
And it's just been devastating ever since. The loss that so many people have experienced is unimaginable. At least 25 died; homes, people's sanctuaries, priceless heirlooms, cherished memories, and any sense of normalcy are gone for so many.
Life, as so many of us know it, is changed.
My dear friend and podcast cohost John Kim lost his house in the Altdena fire. It was the house he fondly spoke of last week, just a day before the fires took his whole neighborhood. It was the only house his daughter Logan had ever known. You can watch or listen to this week’s episode, where John talks about his experience. I’m amazed he wanted to record.
Another dear friend's mother lost the first home she ever bought after her divorce, the house my friend grew up in Pacific Palisades. She was away when it happened and wasn't able to save anything. It's all gone.
A family I spent the week with lost their home in Altadena after the fires broke out. Six months ago, they'd financially stretched to buy a house filled with a lifetime of memories. All their children's toys, stuffies, and drawings were gone, as were her collection of vintage dresses and his of Navajo rugs. All gone.
And these are only three stories of people I know. Three stories among thousands.
The collective grief and trauma is hard to fathom. It's touching nearly everyone I talk to in LA, not just LA. Friends are reaching out about their time in LA, and the people they know who've lost homes, and it's just so much to bear.
Even if you don't know someone affected, you've likely watched a movie with someone who has. Hollywood touches everyone.
The stories of the LA fire will continue for a long time, and it's understandable if you're not sure how to make sense of them; I know I'm struggling.
I packed up my car when Tuesday night's first fire broke out. By Wednesday morning, I was on the road to Santa Barbara. One benefit of being nomadic right now is that it took me 12 minutes to pack everything up and hit the road. I didn't know where I was going, but Roger and I could go anywhere with a rooftop tent. No hotel needed.
I spent the week in Santa Barbara at a friend's house, and the day I arrived, so did a family who'd lost it all. They were shellshocked, and we surrounded them, trying to support them in whatever way we could while also feeling a devastating mix of emotions.
I took the dogs to the beach, took the kids for their first Costco hotdogs, and tidied the house and kitchen—I did whatever I thought would help this family have a little time to themselves.
Through all this, I felt grateful that my apartment was safe but also confused about what it would mean for the future of LA, afraid of more fires, scared to go back and breathe toxic air, unsure of how to help, and feeling helpless, anxious, and fearful.
It's been a week.
A few days ago, I returned to LA. I received many calls from friends asking me why I was returning and whether I was still planning to live here. Even though I moved here on December 1, I'm called to stay. I like it here.
I've made friends; I feel welcome in LA and like my life here.
I also recognize that this city will forever be changed. And that it's going to need help.
Like some of you, I'm overwhelmed by how to help. So many efforts are going on, and it feels like so much. While I desperately want to help, I struggle to care for myself. You might be feeling similarly.
So, I'll share some tips on caring for yourself so that you can also care for others and a few resources that are near and dear to me.
Taking care of yourself
First things first, the oxygen mask.
You can't care for others if you're not caring for yourself. Do what you need to take care of yourself. Try to exercise, get some sleep, put the phone down now and then, and hug your pets, friends, and family. You're useless to others if you're running yourself ragged.
It's OK if you can't help.
Do what is best for you and yours. There are many helpers in the world. We can use more, but only help if you feel called to. If another disaster or situation is taking your attention, that's OK. If you’re struggling to feed yourself and your family, do that.
Feeling helpless is normal.
So is survivor guilt. A natural disaster is a lot to deal with, and it can be overwhelming to figure out what you're feeling and how you can help while also continuing to live your life. Not knowing how to respond or what you’re feeling is normal.
This is a marathon, not a sprint.
People will need your help for a long time to come. Relief efforts will be ongoing, and the community's needs will change. This is not only a marathon; it’s a relay race. Be kind to yourself; there is a lot of collective grief to sit with.
Help people and efforts you feel connected to.
Whatever or whoever you feel called to help, do that. Whether it's animals, children and teens, firefighters, food banks, or one family, do that. If it’s hard to choose, pick something that matters to you.
Take a break from helping.
You're useless to others if you're running yourself ragged. Take a break to tend to other parts of your life. I worked out yesterday for the first time in a week, and while I struggled to get through the workout, I felt better after.
Check in on your friends.
Especially if they live in LA and even if they didn't lose their homes, because they're not OK. We're not OK. Even just a text that says,
"Hey, thinking of you. Need anything?"
A well-timed text can make a difference.
Comment below if you have any other suggestions.
Resources:
Here are a few organizations doing great work. I'm only sharing what has personally touched me. There are countless efforts on the ground; this is just a small list. Pick one if you feel called.
Also, cash is king. People need money more than anything and will need it for a long time. There's nothing crass, cheap, or lazy about sending money. Money lets people and organizations use it the way they need it most. And if you don't have anything to spare, that's OK. Remember, take care of yourself before jumping in.
But first, Cupertino Teen put together an excellent resource website that lists ways you can help.
Save LA
Hi, I'm Ruben Varghese, an 11th grader at Cupertino High School in Cupertino. I am deeply passionate about helping people, especially during these challenging times. This website is my effort to positively impact and provide resources to those who need them most.
Altadena Teen Girls Fire Recovery
Avery has created a store where teen girls can shop for clothing, talk to a stylist, and get beauty products.
Restoring Normalcy For The Teenage Victims of the #EatonCanyonFire
Started by Avery. Donate here.
https://www.instagram.com/altadenagirls/
Friends In Deed
Friends In Deed is a local nonprofit offering a food pantry, eviction prevention and rental assistance, street outreach, support, and services for homeless women in and around Pasadena.
They support those affected by the Altadena fire along with their long-standing mission. Donate here.
https://friendsindeedpas.org/programs/
Pasadena Humane
Pasadena Humane has taken in over 400 animals from the Eaton Fire Emergency. Monetary donations help us purchase medical supplies and other resources, and the number of burned and injured animals coming to our shelter has increased significantly. Donate here.
And if you feel called to contribute to a GoFundMe, here are two funds I've contributed to.
John Kim is my friend, podcast cohost, and tender human who has made my landing in Los Angeles soft and welcoming. His GoFundMe is helping several families on his street. Donate here.
The Gehlings are the family I spent the week with in Santa Barbara, and while I wish we'd met under better circumstances, I'm grateful to have spent time with them and gotten to know them. I consider them friends now. Donate here.
I can personally vouch for these two because I know them. Unfortunately, where there are helpers, there are also grifters, and I've heard of several fake funds that are taking advantage of people's generosity.
These are only a few ways to give back. If you feel called, there are countless ways for you to help. I know this is just the tip of the iceberg. With so many disasters, we’ve got a lot of work to do.
And we’ll do it together. Because people will always need people, life goes on. I’m not sure how we’ll do it, but we will. Community will be the answer.
So, take good care of yourself so you can also take care of others. Be well, helper.
If you want to read more, here are my two most popular posts. Enjoy.
How intense Shaun! It must be really surreal to have just arrived in LA a few weeks ago to build your life there, while everything around you is being destroyed. What a contradiction, also emotionally. It is good to read that you are safe, even though you are, as you yourself put it, "not OK". I can imagine your fear and uncertainty. As well as the collective shock and grief that you see around you. The individual and collective suffering that is caused is incomprehensible.
A few years ago we had a similar situation in my country The Netherlands, but then with a massive flooding of a province with a large river running through it. In Europe we also have enormous forest fires and floods every year. And unfortunately it is getting worse every year. Strangely enough, this misery haunted my family last year. During the summer holidays we were in Northern Portugal where enormous forest fires also destroyed hectares of forest of this beautiful country and people's homes. Fortunately, we went home just a few days before it started. And during the autumn holidays we were on the Spanish islands of Ibiza and Formentera where above the islands drifted the DANA weather conditions that ravaged the Spanish mainland so much at that time. The weather phenomenon DANA caused an unstable atmosphere, floods, waterspouts and heavy rainfall. It was the biggest flood of the last century in Spain!
These natural disasters have come so close and unfortunately have almost become normal. And fortunately my family itself did not become a direct victim of it. But many others did.
It makes us humans humble when mother earth shows her intense power. And on a meta level it is actually mother earth that is striking back and is in dire straits because of all the climate change, destruction of nature and of her ecosystems. She is also suffering. It is sometimes difficult to (continue to) realize that in the midst of all the human suffering. This, while in essence Mother Earth and we humans are one and the same system. Hopefully, once all the fires have stopped and all the human wounds (physical, financial, emotional and mental) have healed, that interdependence and care will be remembered and acted upon.
Good that you yourself help the people around you in this way! Take care of yourself. And let others also help you.
I saw your light green nail polish 💅 in your Instagram stories as a form of self-care. A party on the nails of your helping hands, so to speak. 😉 A form of lightness in these dark weeks.
You and the Angelenos are in my thoughts!
Lots of strength there in the coming time. Be safe!
Thank you for offering meaningful ways to help as so many of us far from LA feel helpless to contribute. My thoughts continue to be with everyone affected. I think it's important to keep talking about this long into the future after the fires are extinguished. Many places affected by disaster feel forgotten after the next news cycle, but as you said, it's a marathon and a relay race, and healing takes a very long time.