Great post! I was literally just thinking I was strong enough, healed enough to start going back to bootcamp with my ex there. It’s only been 3 months since the breakup. I asked my heart a real serious question after reading this and No I am not ready to see him. Thank you for the renewed strength to give myself more time!
I love that you slowed down enough to ask your heart what it needed and got a clear answer. A friend of mine says that the mind screams while the heart (and should) whispers. I'm glad you took a moment to listen to your heart.
In one situation going back a few decades , going NO CONTACT for an indeterminate length of time, pretty much saved my life. Him being in my life at any level was poison for me. The No Contact started in 2006. I had a very brief relapse from it in 2008, and then was back in the beam. I continued to build a life without him in it, and I took the experience, and put it on a shelf. But it was something I worked through work my therapist , 12 Step Groups, and friends .
On May of 2020 , on my birthday , he sent me a very respectful FaceBook message wishing me a Happy Birthday, and sharing with me that he was 10 years sober that day , and was I open to speaking ? knew in my heart that it was ok to call him immediately . We had a very healing conversation, and it seemed as if the earth had shifted. He owed me money , addressed it, and said that he would make reparations . We stayed " friendly " the next few years , but the money thing wasn't brought up again. In March of this year I called him and in a very calm , sane way said that I thought it was best for both of us if he did re-pay me the money from 2006. He was embarrassed ( good 🤣) but he sent me 3 separate payments and is now paid in full. We no longer live in the same country , so I could get by the rest of my life without seeing him , or not - I don't know yet. But I can say with certainty that we are " friends " now and I am so so grateful that all of the poison and hurt and resentment has evaporated.
That is my my best example of NO CONTACT having a good outcome.
Really excellent post, thank you. I was about to drop off some of our favorite “sugar kiss” melon to my breakee as a final kiss goodbye, but that’s not good for him or me.
Feelings! Reminds us we are alive and we opened our heart!
I totally agree and don’t think we hear this enough. Especially after a marriage break up where there are kids involved we often hear that it’s best to be amicable and friendly and just let everybody get along. But the reality is the marriages end for a reason and too much contact just keeps opening the wound and delays healing. Moving on and focusing on yourself requires not being reminded of them constantly.
I broke up with my boyfriend 6 weeks ago. Since then, I have moved to a beautiful coastal city I always wanted to live in, got a dream job, and have received tons of support from family and friends. Apparently they saw all the red flags I ignored.
Because I am friends with two exes, I hoped we would break it off peacefully. However, he went into a rage and even threatened to destroy my possessions. Mind you we are in our late 50’s. I was flabbergasted by his immature behavior. I knew he has c-PTSD (from physical & emotional abuse from adoptive family and “therapeutic boarding school”, but now am thinking back and wondering if he wasn’t also a covert narcissist.
After he verbally attacked me so harshly, I ended up saying some mean things that I regret, but I am resisting the strong desire to apologize. He baited me and, unfortunately, I took it. This article helped me to see I need to leave it alone for at least 6 months, if not forever.
I'm glad this was helpful and I'm sorry it ended so poorly. No apology needed, just try to forgive yourself for not having acted in the very best way possible.
Great post and I’m with you 100% on this. It’s what I do but I’m a bit more extreme when I am the person being dumped as I also delete all photos and any other messages from the person involved. I don’t want to stumble across things that remind me of them or our relationship for the time it requires me to heal.
I have work to do on the forgiving & forgetting part though as I am not good at the forgiving bit and so have difficulty forgetting … I therefore harbour anger and resentment towards certain people and this takes longer than 6mths to digest and diminish 🙄
Friendship is not on the cards for exes that have dumped me in general; my rule is “when I’m in, I’m all in … and if you decide you don’t want me any more, you don’t get to keep me as a friend” 🤷♀️
I like your strategy, too. And it does sound like working on those resentments might lead to them taking up less mental space for you. I hope you find some way to forgive yourself for not being ready to forgive them, too.
And, they might. But wishing it or staying open to it doesn't change the fact that they might, or not. Better to live your life and deal with that if and when it ever happens.
Such a helpful and true post! Thank you! It’s been super helpful for me to go no contact from the ex which ended three weeks ago. He was harmful and I knew I wouldn’t heal without that space. It’s good to get the grief and pain up and out as soon as possible and I’ve learned a ton from it. 😊
It can seem harsh when you are doing it but it is best for both sides. I could never see how people can go from being ‘a thing’ to ‘just friends’ without a break. Even if you want them back, they should be allowed to miss you.
I’ve never really ended up friends after a breakup. Is that normal? I usually don’t see a point. My current ex might be the first one I befriend. Wish me luck!
Definitely agree—in hindsight—I was the breakee in all of my longest relationships (there have only been 3–I wasn’t nor have I ever been a “dater”) and one situationship. Instituting boundaries to me is like lifting weights—if consistent—you get stronger. At least that’s how it has worked out for me.🤷🏾♀️
Great topic and great advice! I had to go the co-parenting no-social -or-personal contact after 22 yrs with my ex and having a 5-year-old son together. He left me and moved out, I filed for divorce quickly after. Ex-husband desperately wanted to be friends from the get-go (likely from the immense guilt he was facing but also because he had been processing the decision for a long time and was maybe ready for just friendship) which I was WAY too hurt and angry to do. Thankfully, he respected my request for no personal contact and we navigated the co-parenting early stages together. BECAUSE of the early stage no-social-or-personal contact, I was able to properly grieve, process and excavate in my own time and at my own pace and finding my own voice…… I won’t lie, the first year was brutal. But it was necessary and productive…… My ex and I are now great friends who not only co-parent our 14-year-old but also support each other with mutual dog-sitting-during-vacations, get-togethers on Christmas Day and our son’s birthday and (perhaps) best of all, friendly conversations and a mutual feeling that we genuinely want the best for each other! If it hadn’t been for the no-contact early days and journey, I would have never arrived at where we are today. Highly recommend the no-contact approach as well, even though it may seem harder in the short term. It IS harder at first but it’s the only way you can truly process the grief and loss to build a new life without relying on your old person.
Great post! I was literally just thinking I was strong enough, healed enough to start going back to bootcamp with my ex there. It’s only been 3 months since the breakup. I asked my heart a real serious question after reading this and No I am not ready to see him. Thank you for the renewed strength to give myself more time!
I love that you slowed down enough to ask your heart what it needed and got a clear answer. A friend of mine says that the mind screams while the heart (and should) whispers. I'm glad you took a moment to listen to your heart.
In one situation going back a few decades , going NO CONTACT for an indeterminate length of time, pretty much saved my life. Him being in my life at any level was poison for me. The No Contact started in 2006. I had a very brief relapse from it in 2008, and then was back in the beam. I continued to build a life without him in it, and I took the experience, and put it on a shelf. But it was something I worked through work my therapist , 12 Step Groups, and friends .
On May of 2020 , on my birthday , he sent me a very respectful FaceBook message wishing me a Happy Birthday, and sharing with me that he was 10 years sober that day , and was I open to speaking ? knew in my heart that it was ok to call him immediately . We had a very healing conversation, and it seemed as if the earth had shifted. He owed me money , addressed it, and said that he would make reparations . We stayed " friendly " the next few years , but the money thing wasn't brought up again. In March of this year I called him and in a very calm , sane way said that I thought it was best for both of us if he did re-pay me the money from 2006. He was embarrassed ( good 🤣) but he sent me 3 separate payments and is now paid in full. We no longer live in the same country , so I could get by the rest of my life without seeing him , or not - I don't know yet. But I can say with certainty that we are " friends " now and I am so so grateful that all of the poison and hurt and resentment has evaporated.
That is my my best example of NO CONTACT having a good outcome.
Really excellent post, thank you. I was about to drop off some of our favorite “sugar kiss” melon to my breakee as a final kiss goodbye, but that’s not good for him or me.
Feelings! Reminds us we are alive and we opened our heart!
Oh my, that is so sweet. I bet you can drop that off to a friend who could use a pick-me-up and it would do you both some good.
I totally agree and don’t think we hear this enough. Especially after a marriage break up where there are kids involved we often hear that it’s best to be amicable and friendly and just let everybody get along. But the reality is the marriages end for a reason and too much contact just keeps opening the wound and delays healing. Moving on and focusing on yourself requires not being reminded of them constantly.
Yes, and it's also OK to be mad and bitter. No need to get along if that's not your truth.
I broke up with my boyfriend 6 weeks ago. Since then, I have moved to a beautiful coastal city I always wanted to live in, got a dream job, and have received tons of support from family and friends. Apparently they saw all the red flags I ignored.
Because I am friends with two exes, I hoped we would break it off peacefully. However, he went into a rage and even threatened to destroy my possessions. Mind you we are in our late 50’s. I was flabbergasted by his immature behavior. I knew he has c-PTSD (from physical & emotional abuse from adoptive family and “therapeutic boarding school”, but now am thinking back and wondering if he wasn’t also a covert narcissist.
After he verbally attacked me so harshly, I ended up saying some mean things that I regret, but I am resisting the strong desire to apologize. He baited me and, unfortunately, I took it. This article helped me to see I need to leave it alone for at least 6 months, if not forever.
I'm glad this was helpful and I'm sorry it ended so poorly. No apology needed, just try to forgive yourself for not having acted in the very best way possible.
I agree 100%. Great advice. Not easy to take, but still sound.
Nothing worth doing is ever that easy, eh?
Great post and I’m with you 100% on this. It’s what I do but I’m a bit more extreme when I am the person being dumped as I also delete all photos and any other messages from the person involved. I don’t want to stumble across things that remind me of them or our relationship for the time it requires me to heal.
I have work to do on the forgiving & forgetting part though as I am not good at the forgiving bit and so have difficulty forgetting … I therefore harbour anger and resentment towards certain people and this takes longer than 6mths to digest and diminish 🙄
Friendship is not on the cards for exes that have dumped me in general; my rule is “when I’m in, I’m all in … and if you decide you don’t want me any more, you don’t get to keep me as a friend” 🤷♀️
I like your strategy, too. And it does sound like working on those resentments might lead to them taking up less mental space for you. I hope you find some way to forgive yourself for not being ready to forgive them, too.
Ugh, I sadly needed this today. Thank you.
You're so welcome. Sending you strength to get through it.
Very good advice…..
It’s SO HARD not to reach out, when you shared so much together, and I can’t get that thought out of my head, what if he might come back?
And, they might. But wishing it or staying open to it doesn't change the fact that they might, or not. Better to live your life and deal with that if and when it ever happens.
Thank you, Shaun. You are so right.
So right.
I needed this today
Such a helpful and true post! Thank you! It’s been super helpful for me to go no contact from the ex which ended three weeks ago. He was harmful and I knew I wouldn’t heal without that space. It’s good to get the grief and pain up and out as soon as possible and I’ve learned a ton from it. 😊
Sending you tons of love for this very recent transition!
It can seem harsh when you are doing it but it is best for both sides. I could never see how people can go from being ‘a thing’ to ‘just friends’ without a break. Even if you want them back, they should be allowed to miss you.
I’ve never really ended up friends after a breakup. Is that normal? I usually don’t see a point. My current ex might be the first one I befriend. Wish me luck!
It depends on you! Friendship after a relationship isn't for everyone.
Definitely agree—in hindsight—I was the breakee in all of my longest relationships (there have only been 3–I wasn’t nor have I ever been a “dater”) and one situationship. Instituting boundaries to me is like lifting weights—if consistent—you get stronger. At least that’s how it has worked out for me.🤷🏾♀️
Great topic and great advice! I had to go the co-parenting no-social -or-personal contact after 22 yrs with my ex and having a 5-year-old son together. He left me and moved out, I filed for divorce quickly after. Ex-husband desperately wanted to be friends from the get-go (likely from the immense guilt he was facing but also because he had been processing the decision for a long time and was maybe ready for just friendship) which I was WAY too hurt and angry to do. Thankfully, he respected my request for no personal contact and we navigated the co-parenting early stages together. BECAUSE of the early stage no-social-or-personal contact, I was able to properly grieve, process and excavate in my own time and at my own pace and finding my own voice…… I won’t lie, the first year was brutal. But it was necessary and productive…… My ex and I are now great friends who not only co-parent our 14-year-old but also support each other with mutual dog-sitting-during-vacations, get-togethers on Christmas Day and our son’s birthday and (perhaps) best of all, friendly conversations and a mutual feeling that we genuinely want the best for each other! If it hadn’t been for the no-contact early days and journey, I would have never arrived at where we are today. Highly recommend the no-contact approach as well, even though it may seem harder in the short term. It IS harder at first but it’s the only way you can truly process the grief and loss to build a new life without relying on your old person.
Much needed, especially when your ex moves on quickly. Thanks for the excellent post!