How going no contact can help you get over your ex

An unpopular opinion on going no-contact and what co-parents can do to go low-contact

Here are two things you might not know about me:

a) I love a good breakup

b) all breakups require six months of ‘no contact.’

I love a good breakup because it forces you to feel and releases you from the grips of a relationship that is no longer working. And as hard as it is to let go, letting go is exactly what needs to happen. 

A breakup forces you to feel. You can’t hide from it or pretend it’s not happening. It will break you down like few other experiences, and since I love feelings, I love breakups. Grief is a powerful catalyst for change and helps us identify what is essential in life. And no matter how connected you were to your ex, there’s immense power in letting go and accepting the relationship is over. 

These tips might help:

What I mean by ‘no-contact’

It’s pretty simple unless you co-parent together. More on that later. 

• Unfollow on all social media (block if necessary so they can’t see your posts)

• Mute your common friends for a while if they regularly post photos of your ex. 

• No phone calls, text messages, emails, or other forms of digital contact

• No swinging by their house, office, work, gym, favorite restaurant, etc

• No asking friends in common about them

• No exceptions (including birthdays, graduations, promotions, ‘hope you’re well,’ etc.)

This protocol might sound drastic, but I assure you that it is not. And it’s temporary.

Going no-contact is what your brain, body, and heart need to heal from what is most likely a heartbreaking and traumatic situation. You need space, and you need a break. Give it to yourself. 

Your nervous system needs a break

Relationship transitions can have a tremendously painful impact on your life. Taking a break from your heartbreaker is one of the best ways to heal from a breakup.

Emotions are changes in your mind and body in response to a stimulus. In the case of a relationship ending, the stimulus is anything that reminds you of your ex. The brain/body state change is usually overwhelming sadness, grief, and despair, coupled with an inability to do much else but think of your ex.

No contact allows your nervous system to calm down a bit while you grieve the end of your relationship. It gives you breathing room in a challenging transition in your life.

Following this advice doesn’t mean you’ll bypass the tremendous pain and sadness that usually come with heartbreak. Hopefully, though, it’ll make it a bit more manageable and can help you move through the pain in less time and with less despair.

To the breaker

If you’re the one doing the breaking up, the kindest thing you can do is to give your ex the space they need to grieve and to move through the pain without you constantly reminding them what they’re missing. Give them time and space to heal. 

You might feel guilty for hurting their feelings, and you might want to offer friendship as a consolation prize or to lessen the blow. Don’t. Sit with the discomfort of having hurt someone else. It’s normal to feel this way, but continuing the connection because you feel guilty isn’t the vibe, and it isn’t helpful to them. 

For whatever reason, your relationship wasn’t meeting your needs, and you chose to end it. That hurt your ex. Your instinct is to reach out to comfort them. Don’t.

That’s not your job anymore.

To the breakee

I know this hurts.

And I know that a message, a phone call, or a quickie with your ex could make you feel better.

You might feel better temporarily, but you will surely feel worse after it.

Rip the bandaid, baby, and let that wound heal. 

Your ex was your primary source of support when things were rough. So it makes sense that you would want comfort from them. But you can’t have the person that broke your heart also be the person that helps you mend it.

That’s not their job anymore. 

Wanna be friends?

It’s time to give each other space and trust that you both have what it takes to heal from this. It’s time to heal, let go, reconnect with your old friends and communities, and move through life without each other for a while. 

If you both want to transition to a friendship at some point, you can do it after no contact. Time and space away from each other will make this an easier transition in the long run. 

The litmus test for whether you’re ready to be friends with your ex is when you can be genuinely happy to hear about them dating someone else. If hearing about their new love life makes you uncomfortable, you’re probably not ready to be friends. 

Here’s some language

Here’s a message template you can use when asking for no-contact. Change the name and send it.

“Hi, Alex.

I need to request no contact from you for six months. This isn’t personal; it’s just what I need to heal from this relationship ending. It’ll give me the time to let my heart and nervous system settle down and recover.

In the meantime, I’ll be unfollowing you on all social media, and I’d like you to do the same.

I’m grateful for you and hope that after six months, we can connect to see how we’re both doing. Please send me a short message to let me know you received this and agree. Thanks.”

A message to co-parents

If you have kids, you’ll most likely need to go low-contact. This means the lowest amount of contact necessary for the well-being of your kids and to facilitate logistics, handoff, and care instructions. 

This might be easy for some and nearly impossible for others. 

If you can, try going “low contact” with as much care as possible and set boundaries about how and when you’ll communicate with each other.

Some examples of going “low contact are:

• Choosing to only communicate via text or email

• Communicating only about children and not discussing anything personal

• Not answering the phone during the evening

• Not to use the children to communicate (“You can tell your father I’ll be there at 5 PM to pick you up”)

Ultimately, you’ll need to strike a balance between what’s best for you and what will best support your children. 

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Going no-contact is the best way I know to move through the grief process with grace, tenderness, and love. It’s not for everyone and is hard to adhere to at first, but it’s allowed me to transition to friendship with a few of my exes, and I’m grateful we were able to give each other the space we needed. 

Drop a comment about going no-contact; I’d love to hear about your experience.