Why you’re scared to fall in love (and how to get past it)

The real reasons behind your fear of intimacy and three ways to overcome them

What's so scary about love?

Opening up to love is frightening. I know because I've been there before, more times than I can count.

It's a bit embarrassing, but as a love and relationship coach who has worked with hundreds of clients and taught thousands of students, I've struggled in the love department for much of my life.

I didn't have my shit together. I was scared of commitment, fearful and avoidant, and attracted to unavailable people. Sound familiar?

The love and intimacy I so desperately wanted were also the most elusive to me.

One relationship after another ended because I was terrified of opening up. After all, opening up to love also meant opening up to pain. I haven't found a way to open up to love without risking getting hurt. Not yet, at least.

My pain and my struggle with love are why I'm doing this work in the first place.

A wise friend once told me,

"Take the thing that has tortured you the most, heal from it, and then turn it into your purpose."

That purpose is to help people learn communication and intimacy tools for better relationships and more love. Before I could teach others, I had to sort my shit out and figure out why I was so scared of love.

After years of therapy with a trained and competent mental health professional, countless books on love, and a thorough exploration of my past relationships and my childhood, we came up with these two fears:

The fear of being rejected and the fear of inadequacy.

And these fears aren't just mine. When I ask my workshop students, "what's so scary about love?" these are their answers:

I'm scared of having my emotions denied, rejected, brushed off, or ridiculed.

I'm terrified of vulnerability and rejection.

I'm scared of rejection, abandonment, and hurt.

I don't want to get hurt or rejected.

I'm afraid of feeling inadequate.

This is a tiny sample of the answers I get every time I host a course on love and intimacy. If you are scared of being rejected or scared of not being enough, you are not alone.

And there's a solution. Let's examine the fears, and then I'll provide you with three ways to overcome them.

The fear of rejection

Your fear of rejection stems from a story when someone rejected you, and that experience left a massive (and most probably unconscious) imprint on you.

That story could date as far back as your childhood or to a more recent experience when someone rejected you in a way that hurt you deeply.

They didn't hold your heart with tenderness, care, and compassion (which your heart yearns for and deserves).

And that sucks.

But those folks were doing the best they could. It's not an excuse for shitty behavior, but it's an explanation of why they might have acted the way they did.

So now you're scared to open up because, in the past, when you have, it didn't turn out well. To you, opening up means getting hurt, and you understandably don't want to experience that pain again.

Most fears are irrational. They exist to keep you safe—in the old days, from being eaten by a tiger. Now, they keep your heart from getting hurt or traumatized. And often, our fears kick in well before there's actual risk.

Because your body remembers what happened the last time you opened up:

• They couldn't handle your emotions

• They didn't know what to do with your openness

• Your vulnerability triggered them, and they didn't have the tools to deal with that

So they left. And your body said, "never again."

An important caveat on rejection:

If your relationship ends because you expressed your feelings and opened up, then that relationship wasn't in service of your growth. If you open up and are met with hostility, ridicule, diminishing words, avoidance, anger, or gaslighting, you now have excellent information about your partner's availability and willingness to care for your heart.

Just because someone is emotionally unavailable doesn't mean they can't ever meet you in vulnerability, but not without significant work from all parties involved. You'll need to discuss how their behavior impacts you and make requests for improvement.

The fear of inadequacy

So, you're either too much or not enough?

The fear of inadequacy is the root fear that prevents us from opening up to love. Even the fear of rejection boils down to the fear of not being enough. Because if you were enough, or just right, then your loved one wouldn't leave.

And yet, here you are: scared of being too much or not enough. My God, what a fucked up place to be.

What if, stay with me here, you were just right? What then?

My favorite quote on the subject is:

"Each of you is perfect the way you are … and you can use a little improvement." ― Shunryu Suzuki.

You are perfect, and you need some work.

Got it? Say it with me,

"I am perfect, and I could use some work."

Great. So, 'too much' and 'not enough' become irrelevant. You just are. You are you. And you could use a little work.

And the people in your life are the same way. They aren't too much or not enough; they just are and could use some work.

And let me throw a wrench in all of this.

You might be too much for a particular person, or not enough for someone else.

That doesn't mean you should radically change who you are to fit what works for someone else. That strategy lacks authenticity and will lead to disappointment time and time again.

You can't fundamentally change who you are because then you cease to be yourself. And there's nothing fundamentally wrong with you; you're perfect, and you can use some work.

Sure, some parts of you could use a little upgrade, and it's your job to figure out which areas of development need attention.

But remember, you're in the business of fine-tuning yourself, not completely overhauling yourself to be a better fit for someone.

OK.

Now that we understand where these fears come from, here's how to move past them.

And if you feel like throwing in the towel instead, for a spell, this post might be helpful to you.

Three ways of getting over your fears

1. Do it scared

Courage isn't the absence of fear; it's doing the scary thing you don't want to do while still being scared.

Do it scared.

Text the person you've been thinking about. Tell your partner how you really feel about something. Share a fear with a trusted friend.

Experience, in your body, what happens when you boldly open up. Did you die? Did they leave you or make fun of you? Probably not, and now you have more data to support that doing scary stuff won't kill you. You start to build an overflow of faith.

The next time you're scared of opening up, you can lean on your experience of not dying and getting what you wanted. You now have supporting evidence!

2. Stop reading the sad stories

Your brain is full of stories. Most of these stories are tired, old, and worn out, and you need to stop reading them. You've read these stories so many times that the books are falling apart.

The story that you're too much or not enough. The story that you're unlovable. The story that you need a ton of work before you can explore a relationship with someone.

One more course, one more workshop, and one more self-help book (or one more blog post).

The story that everyone you love will leave you if you show them who you are. The story that you'll never find love and die alone.

All of these are stories that you actively choose to believe. You pick that book up, and you read it. And you believe it. Time and time again.

And it's time to put those books away.

Picture all these stories as individual books in your library. They're all there, in front of you. As you go through your day and life, you suddenly find yourself reading one of these sad stories.

*Poof*

Now you're reading the story of how you're never going to find love. Or the one about being too much.

Once you catch yourself, you have a choice:

To continue reading that tired, old story, or to put that book away right then and there and pick up its counterpart.

I Am Enough Just The Way I Am

All My Needs are Valid

I'm Not Scared of Loving Big

I Will Die Happy and Full of Love

I Am Loved, Loving, & Worthy of Love

So, you choose. You choose to keep reading those tired old stories, or you decide to pick up another book.

Or even better, write yourself a better story.

3. Getting help for the deeper work

You can't hack your way to a more open heart (and run from people claiming they can show you how.) If you don't tend to those deep core wounds, you'll likely continue to experience blocks in fully opening up.

There was likely more than one hurt, wound, or experience that contributed to your fear of opening up.

Life can leave us a little worse for wear sometimes, and the support of friends, a coach, or a therapist can help untangle the bag of knots that we're often left trying to untangle on our own.

Don't be the only person who knows your story. Share it with others, seek support, and start leaning on those who can guide you toward the light.

You can’t do this work alone.

The work starts now

Coaching and therapy can be unaffordable, but fortunately, some organizations provide low- or no-cost therapy services, making mental health services more accessible.

The other good news is that you can start doing this work right now in your current relationships. The more you open up, the better you get at it.

Opening up can happen in all relationships. With yourself first, but also with friends, loved ones, colleagues, and even a situationship. All relationships are opportunities to open up and learn form the experience.

It also happens slowly over time by finding safe and warm people to open up to — one small intimacy disclosure at a time.

You got this, and you’re not alone.

And please, leave a comment to let me know how this resonated with you.

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And if you want some support from me, I have a few limited coaching spots available this summer. Click here to see if my rates and availability align with your needs.