This is beautiful Shaun. I find the wisdom lies in knowing which of the three paths is right for me and it's been hard to decide thanks to some betrayal and codependent dynamics. I'm working on it.
That does seem to the tricky bit, sometimes. I usually just go down the line. Ask, get creative, accept, then leave. That said, depending on the need, sometimes you gotta employ a different order.
Nice blog post Shaun and quite insightful. I too can relate to this atm (been dating a 28 year old (im 34) who has never so much as had a gf before, so its quite new to him even after a year. Im 3 years out of a 12 year long relationship/marriage, so in no rush at all to start thinking about sharing a whole home/life with anyone just yet. Neither of us want to seem to 'label' it anything, but are happy with that. I have brought it up before and mentioned that perhaps we have gone down that path as almost a self preservation thing, in case it didnt work out. Like maybe we both dont see a long term future or dont want the pressure of making it something official, in case it doesnt last. Part of me thinks its also a relatively new way of dating. People know that society doesnt have as much of the pressure of commitment / making something official.
I too wonder how long this will work out for, and whether one of us will want more and the other doesnt at some point. I just hope whatever happens, theres no regrets or what ifs.
Thanks for sharing your insightful ways as always Shaun :-)
Thank you for this Shaun, I find myself in a very similar situation. My current person doesn’t believe in love and labels anymore because he has given everything in past relationships and it didn’t work. He believes in being there a day at a time and caring for each other without making promises that will probably be broken. I think eventually I will want more than that but at the moment I’m happy, I’m quite independent myself and feel like I can satisfy my own needs, therefore he adds to my life for now and we’ll see what happens!
I'm about to start therapy with my partner, but ultimately, deep down, he cannot meet my sexual and intellectual needs. I have recently started to confront these issues rather than being confrontation averse from feeling emotionally unsafe. He has stopped threatening to leave me (after 16 years). Now that I can say what I need, I feel I have other needs, as mentioned before. This is the hardest decision ever....
Thank you Sean. You have given me alot of insight at a time when I've really needed it. I'm feeling it will be improbable that I'll stay in this. Something has been lost, and I have changed.
This is such a great article, all options really well explained. I am going through this right now with something that I am dating as opposed to a full relationship. But he is just so busy he has very little time to see me or even stay in touch. I was doing the first option, getting my needs met in other ways, friends etc. But now the contact is so limited I think I am just going to end it, I am just being disappointed too much for not being a priority for them. I don't expect to be their number 1 priority but I would like to be higher up their list.
Yes we have had the conversation and he was very honest about the commitment he could give me. It wasn't what I need so I have finished it. I am really upset today but I know it is the right thing to do for me, doesn't make me feel any better at the moment though. Thanks for taking the time to respond. Love your work
I don't condone cheating and while I understand it happens, I think it's unhealthy for all parties involved. Cheating is lying and lying undermines the fabric of healthy relationships. You can 100% apply this advice to affair relationships, but that was never my intention.
This is beautiful Shaun. I find the wisdom lies in knowing which of the three paths is right for me and it's been hard to decide thanks to some betrayal and codependent dynamics. I'm working on it.
That does seem to the tricky bit, sometimes. I usually just go down the line. Ask, get creative, accept, then leave. That said, depending on the need, sometimes you gotta employ a different order.
Nice blog post Shaun and quite insightful. I too can relate to this atm (been dating a 28 year old (im 34) who has never so much as had a gf before, so its quite new to him even after a year. Im 3 years out of a 12 year long relationship/marriage, so in no rush at all to start thinking about sharing a whole home/life with anyone just yet. Neither of us want to seem to 'label' it anything, but are happy with that. I have brought it up before and mentioned that perhaps we have gone down that path as almost a self preservation thing, in case it didnt work out. Like maybe we both dont see a long term future or dont want the pressure of making it something official, in case it doesnt last. Part of me thinks its also a relatively new way of dating. People know that society doesnt have as much of the pressure of commitment / making something official.
I too wonder how long this will work out for, and whether one of us will want more and the other doesnt at some point. I just hope whatever happens, theres no regrets or what ifs.
Thanks for sharing your insightful ways as always Shaun :-)
As long as you continue to communicate along the way, checking in now and then, you shouldn't have any regrets or what ifs!
Thank you for this Shaun, I find myself in a very similar situation. My current person doesn’t believe in love and labels anymore because he has given everything in past relationships and it didn’t work. He believes in being there a day at a time and caring for each other without making promises that will probably be broken. I think eventually I will want more than that but at the moment I’m happy, I’m quite independent myself and feel like I can satisfy my own needs, therefore he adds to my life for now and we’ll see what happens!
Very similar indeed! Stay until it no longer makes sense to do so.
I'm about to start therapy with my partner, but ultimately, deep down, he cannot meet my sexual and intellectual needs. I have recently started to confront these issues rather than being confrontation averse from feeling emotionally unsafe. He has stopped threatening to leave me (after 16 years). Now that I can say what I need, I feel I have other needs, as mentioned before. This is the hardest decision ever....
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Threats to leave should never be used lightly. I'm glad you're getting support.
Thank you Sean. You have given me alot of insight at a time when I've really needed it. I'm feeling it will be improbable that I'll stay in this. Something has been lost, and I have changed.
This is such a great article, all options really well explained. I am going through this right now with something that I am dating as opposed to a full relationship. But he is just so busy he has very little time to see me or even stay in touch. I was doing the first option, getting my needs met in other ways, friends etc. But now the contact is so limited I think I am just going to end it, I am just being disappointed too much for not being a priority for them. I don't expect to be their number 1 priority but I would like to be higher up their list.
Have you talked about your desire for them to make more room for you in their life?
Yes we have had the conversation and he was very honest about the commitment he could give me. It wasn't what I need so I have finished it. I am really upset today but I know it is the right thing to do for me, doesn't make me feel any better at the moment though. Thanks for taking the time to respond. Love your work
This reminded me I need to go back to al-anon
This reminds me that maybe I should check it out, too.
I am sure that you do not intend for this advice to apply to The Other Woman ?
Or can it?
I don't condone cheating and while I understand it happens, I think it's unhealthy for all parties involved. Cheating is lying and lying undermines the fabric of healthy relationships. You can 100% apply this advice to affair relationships, but that was never my intention.
Thank you!! And great advice