I relate to all of this hardcore esp as an older single woman. Another challenging part of being single is that it feels like friendships are more of a revolving door rather than the stability that is built into the relationships of husband/wife and/or having children. You watch as your single friends partner up and get married yet you remain the same and your circle of friends who are single dwindles and dwindles. It can be painful and sad. But I guess I can at least get on a plane whenever I want and go wherever I want so I at least have that going for me 🙃
I relate 100%! When friends partner up, their priorities change and their availability dwindles. You don’t lose them, you just see a lot less of them. You are then left on your own to find new friends or partners….or to just do everything by yourself. There are lot’s of positives to being single, but this is the more painful side of it.
IMO we should prioritize friendships more than we do, at every stage of life. We all had that friend in our 20s who would couple up and disappear for a few months until they broke up. Then they’d reappear expecting everything to be normal and to reintegrate into the social circle seamlessly, like, “Oh you want a support system now? Now that you’re hurting? Where was your support for us the past 6 months?” And friendships are even harder to mend after a 10 or 20 year divorce than a they are after a 6 month breakup. The reality is that even if marriage doesn’t end in divorce, it’ll likely end in death for one before the other. And while adult children are off growing their own family, the surviving spouse will be blessed to have other people in their life.
I subscribed because Sean's writing and tips helped me through a very tough time in my life. I am much happier now. I ask for what I need and I listen carefully. I am not scared of being single any longer and that funnily enough, led to the opposite. Thank you again, Sean. I hope you find happiness and peace within. Lots of love and support.
Funny, I was just thinking about this yesterday, wondering to myself if it really is more expensive and harder to be single. As a long-time (seemingly forever) single person, I relate to this so much. Everyone has their struggles, and sometimes I wonder if I'm allowed to have these feelings. Reading this made me feel less alone. Thank you for sharing so candidly.
I deleted all the dating apps a few weeks ago and I don't see myself going back. I relate to a lot of what you write about, I've had very few serious relationships in my life and none in the last 15 years. I think for me, I could come up with all different reasons, but the most powerful reason for me is a fear of losing my independence. I grew up watching all the women in my family chose men who left them to raise kids on their own and swore to myself I would never be at someone else's mercy of my ability to take care of myself.
I haven't been on a date for 2 years and I think I've realized that these 2 years of not being constantly disappointed by random men's behavior has been a very relaxing and positive time for me. It's so expensive being single esp in LA but the positive is I don't have to compromise on purchases or vacations.
I hope you find what you're looking for here.
(On a side note, I was thinking about possibly movingg to AZ in the next 10 years and you've now written a few times about how AZ was a mistake for you - I've made a mental note of that because I've had similar concerns.)
I noticed his beef with AZ, too, and wondered if his issues are with the state itself or if his time there was more so soured by his season of life. Colorado left a bitter taste in my mouth, but obviously lots of people love it there. I just found that the people aren’t really my type of people and everything there besides the scenery feels very bland. If you’re looking for a similar climate to AZ, though, New Mexico is a true gem! I love Taos specifically.
Murphy bed TRACKS. Written from my bed on vacation…a sofa hide-a-bed…which I’m paying the same amount for as each person in the couple sleeping in the king bed in the room next to me. I’m always good paying my fair share but an offer of a $25 discount cause I’m basically sleeping on a metal frame with some fluff & my suitcase is on the dining room table would be much appreciated
Yes! And then you almost feel like you’re imposing on someone else’s space when you have to use the bathroom in their room to shower (even though that’s the agreed upon arrangement because there isn’t another option). People should be considerate of the sleeping arrangements when deciding how to split the costs and we shouldn’t feel uncomfortable speaking up and recommending a more equitable split before the space is booked.
💯 Other people’s wet floors is like touching the food in a sink drain. Arguably the grossest cleanest things ever.
Agree about bringing it up. And I don’t & won’t. Cause splitting a room ultimately saves me a ton of money. Forever grateful for my people who let me third wheel, without them splitting the room I probably wouldn’t be able to be there. But would really like to not have to use the kitchen sink to brush my teeth 🫠
Also the cost of an apartment alone is so much more versus a shared apartment with a spouse or partner. I feel like I should be able to afford a place on my own without roommates at a certain point in my career, but everything is so expensive, especially on your own.
Oof, yes all of this. While being single is FAR better than being lonely in a marriage (that was some of the deepest loneliness I’ve ever felt), also companionship would be lovely, and it’d be nice to have someone to help bring the groceries in (and sex would be nice, too. Whew, there’s a LOT of time/effort involved with dating/meeting/vetting people).
I do have a loose, long term plan for a Golden Girls style retirement with some friends once our kids are older and on their way, but that’s a ways away. I really look forward to that kind of companionship and I try to keep the faith that maybe I’ll happen upon some level of partnership before then, too. I’m trying to build my community and strengthen that network and I hope that will keep me buoyed enough. Shaun, thanks for the reflections - I needed some company with these feelings and it helped ❤️
I have been happily single for a long time. Recently, I decided I want a partner. This article resonates with me because it is so hard to find the right person, even when you want someone and are actively looking. Also, I have done the work. For real. Being an introvert, adds an additional challenge for me. But you are not alone in the struggle to find someone. It is hard. Also, plenty of people who have done zero internal work, who are scared of intimacy, who don’t know what they want in life, can’t make decisions, etc somehow manage to find partners. Often good ones. So what’s the deal?!?! Why is it so easy for some and seemingly impossible for others.
I come back to this quote often from the @peopleiveloved IG:
Someday, we'll look back on this time and wonder how we did it. I have no idea how we'll do it. We just had to, so we did.
We do a lot of hard things as single humans because we just have to do it. As a chosen single mom navigating the complexities of life, I’ve felt that cost on so many levels—financially, emotionally, and socially. Your words really hit home, and I appreciate how you put into perspective something I’ve struggled to articulate, or share, for myself.
Thank you for shining a light on the challenges that come with singlehood while reminding me to embrace the strength and growth that come with it too. Your insights always leave me feeling seen and validated, and I’m so grateful for the work you do.
I went from a fairly codependent marriage into single life having to learn how to make all my own decisions. The mental fatigue can be sneaky and it’s easy to dismiss. I only realized how draining solo decisions were when I lived in Germany trying to navigate a world where I didn’t speak the language. All of those little everyday decisions can start to pile up and wear you down. I started giving myself permission to have days where I make the fewest decisions as possible to reset and recharge. And the laundry can always wait one more day! 😉
Some couples in my world are the loneliest people I know. As you say, there are so many pros and cons.
I have one little anecdote re decision fatigue and that is that frankly it can be easier to do these things alone. When we pick partners, we don’t do it for their decision making skills. Their taste in interior decor. How capable they are of booking a restaurant. I really, really pushed my ex into sharing care of our daughter when we split, deeply afraid I couldn’t handle it entirely solo. But two years ago when he dropped away, my god was it ever easier once I got used to it!
The decor aspect of being single is one I love! I’ve said, “If I want to paint my front door pink, I’ll paint it pink. If I don’t want some dude’s tapestry on my wall, it’s not going on my wall.” 😆 It does feel trivial compared to the weight of bigger decisions, though. I have a few key people I seek guidance from when I am feeling burdened and I am so grateful for their willingness to lend an ear and some wisdom.
I bought my first flat in 2022 and the bedroom has an enormous built in wardrobe that takes up an entire wall. Every morning I look at it when I wake up and think MINE! You need to find gratitude for your current situation sometimes, even when it’s imperfect, otherwise you will lose your mind with wanting.
I feel you. I’m a single parent and sounds like I’m in a very similar place to you… I don’t actually want to be single but my behaviour suggests otherwise. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I probably have an anxious-avoidant attachment style, so I seek connection but push it away as soon as it starts to feel too deep. I tell myself that I just haven’t met the right person yet and maybe that’s true, but also maybe I have and I pushed them away when they got too close. I think all we can do is continue to do the inner work to address our known issues and have faith that the universe has something/ someone great in store for us, when we’re ready to meet them ✨ good luck in your quest Shaun
Kate - I could've written this! Single mom by choice (used a donor so no co-parent) and incredibly lonely at times. Also realizing (thanks therapy) that I've grown to have a more avoidant attachment style than I previously thought. Nice to know we're not alone, even if, technically, we are. <3
I have huge respect for you Brianna, doing it alone from the start by choice is so incredibly brave! But I agree, it does get super lonely at times. I think it’s so helpful to meet people in the same/ similar situation and as you say, to not feel so alone, even if we technically are. Therapy is our friend 😅
I shared my feeling about this with my married friends last summer. It's so true - especially the labor of decision making. That's what my friends hadn't ever considered - the constant pressure, self-dependance, and compounding effect. It was a beautiful conversation and moment of genuine connection
I'm always blown away by how thorough people's comments are sometimes, and they could easily be a post unto themselves! I'm glad you made yours into a post.
I totally agree, I am feeling totally overwhelmed at the moment with it. Later this year I will be selling the family home as my younger son will be going to university. My ex just took the stuff that he wanted so I have 28 years of junk to sort out. Get the house ready to be sold. Then decide where to live and what house to buy. So many decisions and costly if I get it wrong. Plus dealing with estate agents, solicitors, mortgage brokers. The thought of it is really causing me lots of anxiety 😪
I admire that you are able to articulate what I haven’t been able to figure out. Single for awhile and worried that I won’t meet anyone to share life with. Thank you for helping me realize that I am tired because the load is not shared. Thank you for recognizing that the load is both financial and mental. You get it!
I relate to all of this hardcore esp as an older single woman. Another challenging part of being single is that it feels like friendships are more of a revolving door rather than the stability that is built into the relationships of husband/wife and/or having children. You watch as your single friends partner up and get married yet you remain the same and your circle of friends who are single dwindles and dwindles. It can be painful and sad. But I guess I can at least get on a plane whenever I want and go wherever I want so I at least have that going for me 🙃
I relate 100%! When friends partner up, their priorities change and their availability dwindles. You don’t lose them, you just see a lot less of them. You are then left on your own to find new friends or partners….or to just do everything by yourself. There are lot’s of positives to being single, but this is the more painful side of it.
IMO we should prioritize friendships more than we do, at every stage of life. We all had that friend in our 20s who would couple up and disappear for a few months until they broke up. Then they’d reappear expecting everything to be normal and to reintegrate into the social circle seamlessly, like, “Oh you want a support system now? Now that you’re hurting? Where was your support for us the past 6 months?” And friendships are even harder to mend after a 10 or 20 year divorce than a they are after a 6 month breakup. The reality is that even if marriage doesn’t end in divorce, it’ll likely end in death for one before the other. And while adult children are off growing their own family, the surviving spouse will be blessed to have other people in their life.
I subscribed because Sean's writing and tips helped me through a very tough time in my life. I am much happier now. I ask for what I need and I listen carefully. I am not scared of being single any longer and that funnily enough, led to the opposite. Thank you again, Sean. I hope you find happiness and peace within. Lots of love and support.
Thanks for the love, Vivian!
Funny, I was just thinking about this yesterday, wondering to myself if it really is more expensive and harder to be single. As a long-time (seemingly forever) single person, I relate to this so much. Everyone has their struggles, and sometimes I wonder if I'm allowed to have these feelings. Reading this made me feel less alone. Thank you for sharing so candidly.
You're allowed, and that's also why I share the way I do: so people can hear their story in mine and feel less alone.
I deleted all the dating apps a few weeks ago and I don't see myself going back. I relate to a lot of what you write about, I've had very few serious relationships in my life and none in the last 15 years. I think for me, I could come up with all different reasons, but the most powerful reason for me is a fear of losing my independence. I grew up watching all the women in my family chose men who left them to raise kids on their own and swore to myself I would never be at someone else's mercy of my ability to take care of myself.
I haven't been on a date for 2 years and I think I've realized that these 2 years of not being constantly disappointed by random men's behavior has been a very relaxing and positive time for me. It's so expensive being single esp in LA but the positive is I don't have to compromise on purchases or vacations.
I hope you find what you're looking for here.
(On a side note, I was thinking about possibly movingg to AZ in the next 10 years and you've now written a few times about how AZ was a mistake for you - I've made a mental note of that because I've had similar concerns.)
I noticed his beef with AZ, too, and wondered if his issues are with the state itself or if his time there was more so soured by his season of life. Colorado left a bitter taste in my mouth, but obviously lots of people love it there. I just found that the people aren’t really my type of people and everything there besides the scenery feels very bland. If you’re looking for a similar climate to AZ, though, New Mexico is a true gem! I love Taos specifically.
Murphy bed TRACKS. Written from my bed on vacation…a sofa hide-a-bed…which I’m paying the same amount for as each person in the couple sleeping in the king bed in the room next to me. I’m always good paying my fair share but an offer of a $25 discount cause I’m basically sleeping on a metal frame with some fluff & my suitcase is on the dining room table would be much appreciated
Yes! And then you almost feel like you’re imposing on someone else’s space when you have to use the bathroom in their room to shower (even though that’s the agreed upon arrangement because there isn’t another option). People should be considerate of the sleeping arrangements when deciding how to split the costs and we shouldn’t feel uncomfortable speaking up and recommending a more equitable split before the space is booked.
"Oh, please, use our shower; it's soooooo big!" And then their shit is all over the place, wet floor, no towels.
100% agree that it's on us to speak up about an equitable split if they don't bring it up (and they won't).
😂 Yes! That is exactly the bathroom experience every time!
💯 Other people’s wet floors is like touching the food in a sink drain. Arguably the grossest cleanest things ever.
Agree about bringing it up. And I don’t & won’t. Cause splitting a room ultimately saves me a ton of money. Forever grateful for my people who let me third wheel, without them splitting the room I probably wouldn’t be able to be there. But would really like to not have to use the kitchen sink to brush my teeth 🫠
Also the cost of an apartment alone is so much more versus a shared apartment with a spouse or partner. I feel like I should be able to afford a place on my own without roommates at a certain point in my career, but everything is so expensive, especially on your own.
Oof, yes all of this. While being single is FAR better than being lonely in a marriage (that was some of the deepest loneliness I’ve ever felt), also companionship would be lovely, and it’d be nice to have someone to help bring the groceries in (and sex would be nice, too. Whew, there’s a LOT of time/effort involved with dating/meeting/vetting people).
I do have a loose, long term plan for a Golden Girls style retirement with some friends once our kids are older and on their way, but that’s a ways away. I really look forward to that kind of companionship and I try to keep the faith that maybe I’ll happen upon some level of partnership before then, too. I’m trying to build my community and strengthen that network and I hope that will keep me buoyed enough. Shaun, thanks for the reflections - I needed some company with these feelings and it helped ❤️
I have been happily single for a long time. Recently, I decided I want a partner. This article resonates with me because it is so hard to find the right person, even when you want someone and are actively looking. Also, I have done the work. For real. Being an introvert, adds an additional challenge for me. But you are not alone in the struggle to find someone. It is hard. Also, plenty of people who have done zero internal work, who are scared of intimacy, who don’t know what they want in life, can’t make decisions, etc somehow manage to find partners. Often good ones. So what’s the deal?!?! Why is it so easy for some and seemingly impossible for others.
I come back to this quote often from the @peopleiveloved IG:
Someday, we'll look back on this time and wonder how we did it. I have no idea how we'll do it. We just had to, so we did.
We do a lot of hard things as single humans because we just have to do it. As a chosen single mom navigating the complexities of life, I’ve felt that cost on so many levels—financially, emotionally, and socially. Your words really hit home, and I appreciate how you put into perspective something I’ve struggled to articulate, or share, for myself.
Thank you for shining a light on the challenges that come with singlehood while reminding me to embrace the strength and growth that come with it too. Your insights always leave me feeling seen and validated, and I’m so grateful for the work you do.
I went from a fairly codependent marriage into single life having to learn how to make all my own decisions. The mental fatigue can be sneaky and it’s easy to dismiss. I only realized how draining solo decisions were when I lived in Germany trying to navigate a world where I didn’t speak the language. All of those little everyday decisions can start to pile up and wear you down. I started giving myself permission to have days where I make the fewest decisions as possible to reset and recharge. And the laundry can always wait one more day! 😉
Some couples in my world are the loneliest people I know. As you say, there are so many pros and cons.
I have one little anecdote re decision fatigue and that is that frankly it can be easier to do these things alone. When we pick partners, we don’t do it for their decision making skills. Their taste in interior decor. How capable they are of booking a restaurant. I really, really pushed my ex into sharing care of our daughter when we split, deeply afraid I couldn’t handle it entirely solo. But two years ago when he dropped away, my god was it ever easier once I got used to it!
Hang in there.
The decor aspect of being single is one I love! I’ve said, “If I want to paint my front door pink, I’ll paint it pink. If I don’t want some dude’s tapestry on my wall, it’s not going on my wall.” 😆 It does feel trivial compared to the weight of bigger decisions, though. I have a few key people I seek guidance from when I am feeling burdened and I am so grateful for their willingness to lend an ear and some wisdom.
I bought my first flat in 2022 and the bedroom has an enormous built in wardrobe that takes up an entire wall. Every morning I look at it when I wake up and think MINE! You need to find gratitude for your current situation sometimes, even when it’s imperfect, otherwise you will lose your mind with wanting.
I feel you. I’m a single parent and sounds like I’m in a very similar place to you… I don’t actually want to be single but my behaviour suggests otherwise. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I probably have an anxious-avoidant attachment style, so I seek connection but push it away as soon as it starts to feel too deep. I tell myself that I just haven’t met the right person yet and maybe that’s true, but also maybe I have and I pushed them away when they got too close. I think all we can do is continue to do the inner work to address our known issues and have faith that the universe has something/ someone great in store for us, when we’re ready to meet them ✨ good luck in your quest Shaun
Kate - I could've written this! Single mom by choice (used a donor so no co-parent) and incredibly lonely at times. Also realizing (thanks therapy) that I've grown to have a more avoidant attachment style than I previously thought. Nice to know we're not alone, even if, technically, we are. <3
I have huge respect for you Brianna, doing it alone from the start by choice is so incredibly brave! But I agree, it does get super lonely at times. I think it’s so helpful to meet people in the same/ similar situation and as you say, to not feel so alone, even if we technically are. Therapy is our friend 😅
I shared my feeling about this with my married friends last summer. It's so true - especially the labor of decision making. That's what my friends hadn't ever considered - the constant pressure, self-dependance, and compounding effect. It was a beautiful conversation and moment of genuine connection
I needed this so much - thanks for sharing 🙏
I think I’ve responded here before about the fatigue I experience of having no one to share my decisions with.
I started to write some thoughts triggered by your use of the phrase “scared of intimacy”. Then I decided to write a short post on the topic instead.
https://substack.com/profile/2728267-kevin-stanford/note/c-87912632?r=1mh57&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=notes-share-action
I'm always blown away by how thorough people's comments are sometimes, and they could easily be a post unto themselves! I'm glad you made yours into a post.
I totally agree, I am feeling totally overwhelmed at the moment with it. Later this year I will be selling the family home as my younger son will be going to university. My ex just took the stuff that he wanted so I have 28 years of junk to sort out. Get the house ready to be sold. Then decide where to live and what house to buy. So many decisions and costly if I get it wrong. Plus dealing with estate agents, solicitors, mortgage brokers. The thought of it is really causing me lots of anxiety 😪
I admire that you are able to articulate what I haven’t been able to figure out. Single for awhile and worried that I won’t meet anyone to share life with. Thank you for helping me realize that I am tired because the load is not shared. Thank you for recognizing that the load is both financial and mental. You get it!