Six Reasons You're Emotionally Unavailable

And eight simple ways to open up emotionally to others

If you're afraid to open up emotionally to a loved one, join the club.

I was emotionally unavailable for a long time, and that's hard to admit as a love coach whose job is to help people build better, more loving relationships.

And yet, that's kind of how it works. Sometimes, our most significant source of pain can also be a strength. I didn't see it that way at the time, though.

I've spent a good part of my life closing off and running from intimacy. I was terrified that they wouldn't like what they saw if I opened up to a loved one. I couldn't deal with getting hurt, and so instead of opening up, I shut down.

I was in many relationships with fantastic women who wanted to explore intimacy with me. And every time our relationship got too close or deep, I would leave. I've ended almost all relationships that I've started because I was terrified of opening up to another person.

I couldn't handle being seen by my partner for fear that if they saw who I was, they would leave; they wouldn't want to stay with someone so broken.

I didn't know then that broken people don't exist; people are hurting, not broken. We're all walking around with deep wounds that we're desperately trying to heal with whatever means we can.

Over time, by doing everything I outlined in this article, I started healing my wounded parts and became emotionally available. But not before causing some pain in my close relationships.

Emotionally unavailable people are generally uncomfortable or unwilling to explore intimacy and vulnerability. And being in a relationship with emotionally unavailable people can drive you crazy.

We all have our reasons for being emotionally unavailable. When I host my All About Emotional Availability course, I ask my students what's challenging about opening up. Here are a few of their answers:

• "I'm scared of having my emotions denied, rejected, brushed off, or made fun of."

• "I'm terrified of vulnerability, and I don't want them to reject me."

• "I couldn't handle being abandoned and hurt."

• "I don't feel like I'm enough and that my feelings are valid."

If any of these reasons feel relevant to you, welcome to the club.

And I want to say there's nothing wrong with you.

There are incredibly valid reasons why you're scared to open up. And there's plenty you can do about it.

Six Reasons You're Emotionally Unavailable

1. You're protecting your heart and your wounds.

Being unavailable is a defense mechanism to keep you from getting heartbroken or going deep into your wounds and sadness.

If you don't open up to anyone, you won't have to explore the dark recesses of your heart. You won't have to start the lifelong excavation of your past traumas and wounds.

Going deep into your past hurts is exhausting and scary work; you can't do it alone. Relationships are fertile grounds for exploring our core wounds as long as they're done with love, respect, and tenderness. But only some people are willing or able to go there with you.

Most people won't be able to meet you in that space because, like you, they're terrified of what they'll find in themselves if they go there with you.

2. You're scared of rejection.

The fear of rejection stems from a story of when someone rejected you. And that story could date as far back as your childhood, or you can point to a more recent experience when someone left you in a way that hurt you deeply.

They didn't hold your heart the way it deserves holding, with tenderness, care, and compassion.

So, you're scared to open up. It didn't turn out so well for you when you did in the past.

For the most part, fears keep your heart from getting hurt or being traumatized.

And sometimes, often, your fears kick in well before there's an actual risk.

Because your whole being remembers what happened the last time you opened up to someone and wants to protect you from that.

They couldn't handle your openness or big feelings and didn't know what to do with them, so they left.

And your heart said, "Never again. You see what happens when you open up?"

3. You're scared of being too much or not enough.

Your fear of inadequacy is the root fear that plagues most of us from getting what we want in life, keeps you small, and prevents you from opening up.

Your belief that you're either too much or not enough is holding you back from fully showing yourself to someone else. What happens if you show yourself and your lover doesn't like what they see?

Will they recoil in disgust? Will they not know what to do with your disclosure? Will they turn around and walk out of your life?

4. You didn't have healthy role models.

You didn't have role models or caregivers that showed you what it looked like to be emotionally available. Welcome to the club.

Most of our caregivers don't have the tools to deal with emotional openness because they never learned it in school, and their parents never showed them how either (because their parents didn't show them how, and the vicious cycle continues).

Your folks were surviving and doing the best they could. Their parents didn't praise their vulnerability, so they never learned the power of praising yours.

Your parents, teachers, loved ones, and role models should have celebrated the hell out of all your emotions growing up, giving each of them the room they deserve. But they didn't because they didn't know how.

A past student of my workshops said, "I remember my parents telling to to 'stop crying,' and it's pretty much how I've lived my life since, avoiding the good and bad emotions and bottling them up inside."

You probably didn't get the message that all our emotions were valid. Your caretakers and role models told you to 'stop crying,' 'buck up,' 'get over it,' or that 'it wasn't that bad.'

In other words, they bypassed, minimized, and made light of your emotional state.

No wonder you're scared to open up.

5. You have no idea what you're feeling.

How can you open up if you've never taken the time to sit with your emotions?

To be emotionally available means pausing and feeling what is going on in your internal emotional landscape.

When you numb, distract, or turn away whenever something uncomfortable comes up, you never learn to sit with your unpleasant emotions.

Someone emotionally unavailable has difficulty receiving love and other deep emotions from others. It's tough to understand the feelings of others because they can hardly understand their own.

6. You don't want that kind of connection.

Not everyone wants a relationship or wants to explore emotional vulnerability with others. And really, there's nothing wrong with that.

Maybe you're not ready to open up again because you're still healing from a past breakup or traumatic experience. Perhaps you're focusing on other life priorities, like your career or a passion project, and relationships detract from those endeavors.

Whatever the reason, it's perfectly fine not to open up to others emotionally if you don't feel like it or it isn't right for you.

However, if you’re closed off and want to open up to others, this next section is for you.

Eight Ways To Become More Emotionally Available

Here's a list of what it means to be emotionally available.

Emotionally available people are:

• Vulnerable, transparent, and reliable

• Consistent, safe, and stable

• Humble, generous, and willing to compromise

• Openly communicative and honest

• Aware of some of their weaknesses, know when to show up, and are open to meeting you halfway

This list isn't exhaustive or meant to be, but it's an excellent place to start. And it's a tall order.

But don't worry; the goal isn't always to be emotionally available to everyone. No one is asking for that.

I'm happy to be hitting half of this list on any given day.

And there's no need to strive for perfection in this or any other endeavor. Progress will be just fine.

If you're ready to open up emotionally, these eight ways can help you become more emotionally available.

1. Find people that are safe to open up to

There's no need to reinvent the wheel here.

I'm guessing you have safe people in your life. You might not open up to them because of everything previously mentioned, but you could.

And I'm inviting you to.

Identify one or two people who have been there for you when needed. Someone kind and gentle, and who you think you could open up to. And then, do it.

Your safest and most stable relationships are less risky because there's less fear of rejection. Over time, letting less familiar people in, like a new lover or a colleague, will start to feel more natural.

2. Learn to sit with emotional discomfort

In other words, don't run from your pain.

Instead of turning immediately towards a source of distraction at the first sign of emotional discomfort, pause.

Pause and notice. What's coming up for you? How does it feel in your body? What story are you telling yourself? What feeling is driving you towards a source of comfort? Can you put a name to it?

When you feel discomfort, before reaching for that tub of ice cream, your third coffee of the day, a much-needed glass of wine (or three), that new Netflix series, take a moment to connect to your body and sit with the discomfort, just a little bit.

And then, feel free to soothe yourself in whatever way makes sense for you: no judgment here, my friend.

The goal is to stretch the time between the first sign of emotional discomfort and your source of soothing comfort.

And to notice what comes up in that space.

3. Believe that you are enough and worthy of love

My favorite quote on the subject is:

"Each of you is perfect the way you are ... and you can use a little improvement." ― Shunryu Suzuki.

Take a moment right now to integrate this crucial concept.

You are perfect, and you need some work.

You are not too much or not enough of anything. You are enough, and you could use a little work.

And the people in your life are the same way. They aren't too much this or not enough that; they are enough, and they could use some work.

We're all fucked up, and we're all doing the best we can, and sometimes the best is kind of lame, and that's OK.

4. Be willing to get hurt

Here's the deal.

The more you open up, the greater the risk of getting hurt.

Oops.

The more you dare to show someone what's going on with you, the more you risk rejection. That's the rule. If you never really open up, no one can hurt you.

But then, you don't get that juicy, open, vulnerable, and exciting intimacy that we're all hoping to build (with ourselves and others).

Pain is the price of admission to sit at the table of love.

Building emotional availability is only for some, sometimes requiring tremendous risk. That means some people can't handle your openness, and that's OK.

It's better than OK; it's fantastic.

Rejection frees you up to explore your emotional body, truth, and vulnerability with someone who can and wants to meet you there.

5. Therapy can help

Let me rephrase that. Therapy with a trained and effective mental health professional will help.

Relationships can help heal trauma, wounds, and fears, and the therapeutic relationship between a client and their therapist can be an excellent and safe way to explore and heal.

Consistent and sustained therapy is an investment in your current and future self and all your relationships. The more emotional gunk you get rid of, the more fulfilled you'll be in your relationships, and the more likely you are to prioritize healthy partners.

The compounding effect of therapy can be life-changing, provided you open up to them and let them see the real you.

Ask your friends and colleagues if they can recommend a good therapist, read up on how to find a good therapist, and find low-cost therapy services at the Open Path Collective.

8. Ask for help

You don't have to do everything alone.

We're social animals, and we crave community. Lean on that community, and let others lean on you.

Show others that you can't do it alone by asking for help and not doing everything yourself.

Admitting that you need help shows vulnerability and can be an excellent first step in opening up to others.

Share parts of your story, let people see you sad, talk about your feelings with a loved one, and lean on someone when needed.

All problems require energy to solve

I hate to say it, but nothing heals on its own.

Your deep traumas and core wounds won't magically improve with time. Sure, time helps, but it's not enough.

Your problems will require time, energy, and resources if you want to solve them.

All my work over the years is directly responsible for my happiness and fulfillment.

I can sit with emotional discomfort in ways that clarify what's happening inside.

I can interpret what I'm feeling and make requests for people to meet my needs.

Opening up to love and your emotional experience will require courage, vulnerability, and faith.

The courage to open up to loved ones to build more loving, fulfilling, and connected relationships.

The vulnerability required to show parts of yourself that you've never revealed to anyone before.

And faith that this work is worth it, that you are worthy of love, and that you'll be OK no matter what happens.

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