I'm tired of getting ghosted by women

How to handle the hurt feelings and how to stay hopeful about finding love?

Welcome to another edition of Love, Shaun, a monthly love advice column on everything love, sex, dating, and relationships. The sassy and sane advice and loving pep talk your older brother should have given you.

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How should I handle being ghosted after a promising start?

Dear Shaun,

How should I handle being ghosted after a promising start?

It's upsetting and confusing, partly because it feels disrespectful but also because it brings up old feelings of being taken for granted in past relationships.

While I've considered messaging them to express my frustration—like, "Hey, I'd have appreciated some clarity"—I realize that might not be helpful, and it isn't my place to scold them. Still, it bothers me and makes me feel cynical about dating and women, though I know that's irrational.

What's the best way to respond to ghosting and manage these feelings?

"Left in the Lurch"

Dear Lurch,

Ugh, I'm sorry. There's something particularly shitty about getting ghosted, especially when you were feeling hopeful about the person. And it's even more confusing when you thought everything was going well.

Ghosting is refusing to respond to texts or phone calls from someone you're dating or in a relationship to terminate that connection.

In short, it's ignoring communication from the person you're dating, hoping they'll get the hint you're no longer interested.

And it sucks.

The painful part about ghosting is the lack of closure. When people ghost, they refuse to bring closure to the relationship, making it much harder for people to move on. We're sense-making animals, and when one person leaves unexpectedly, we're left trying to close the loop on the relationship without enough information.

It can be easy to think you did something wrong, and you might have, but most people who ghost want to avoid the uncomfortable conversation of letting someone down. They're unable to sit with the hurt feelings they might cause in someone else, so it's easier to pretend like they never existed in the first place.

I know, how terrible.

It makes sense that you want to let them know how their behavior affected you so they can apologize or at least not do it to the next person.

But ghosts gonna ghost.

That's just the way it is.

Reaching out to someone who ghosted to give them a piece of your mind or to try to understand what happened might feel good at the moment but might ultimately lead to further disappointment.

They ghosted you once, and there's a good chance they'll do it again.

The lack of response is the only closure you need.

The hardest part of getting ghosted, for me, and maybe for you, is sitting with unpleasant and uncomfortable feelings:

• the sadness over it not working out despite the potential

• the confusion of not knowing why it ended or if you did anything to provoke it

• the fear that you're doomed to repeat this cycle over and over

• the anger at having been treated this way

That's a lot to sit with. And that's what you need to do. Sit with the fear, disappointment, sadness, and anger until it feels less powerful.

And do what you need to care for yourself:

• take long walks (with or without a dog)

• call a friend and share how you're doing

• journal, meditate, and breathe through the feelings

• engage in some healthy distractions (movies, masturbation, and tasty meals)

• go into the woods and break some sticks and yell at the trees

• stomp around and have a tantrum (in private)

And, eventually, get back out there.

Here's the blessing in disguise: you dodged a bullet.

It doesn't make it less painful, but it's true. You don't want a relationship with someone who struggles with having potentially difficult and awkward conversations.

You mentioned that your experience with ghosting has made you a little cynical about dating and women in general. I get that. But also, I'd love for you to have a little compassion for what women have to go through in dating.

Being a woman is dangerous business. Most women have been or will be sexually harassed or abused at some point in their lives, and men perpetrate most violence towards women.

It's also very common for some men to take any form of rejection incredibly personally and to retaliate in terrifying ways. So, some women will ghost because it's easier and often safer to ghost than to risk the wrath of an emotionally sensitive and immature man.

I hope this gives you a little more compassion towards women who ghost. And, let's be clear: men are just as likely to ghost as women, just for different reasons.

At the end of the day, though, when someone ghosts you, they take themselves out of your life. They're saying, "I'm not for you," and making space for someone who is.

Wanna read more about ghosting?

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