How to really ask for what you need in your relationship

How to dumb your needs down and make requests that work.

I was terrified of asking for clarity

Several years ago, the woman I'd been dating (and falling head over heels for) left town to travel around South America. I didn't know when she'd return or how she felt about me.

I knew she enjoyed going out with me, but I didn't know where we stood or what she wanted from me. And I was terrified to ask her.

I didn't want to appear needy or desperate, even though I felt both. "No one likes a clinger," an insensitive friend had told me.

Yet, I knew what I wanted. I wanted clarity about how she felt about me and to continue dating when she came back.

But could I tell her that?

Could I ask her how she felt about me without looking desperate? And what if she gave me the answer I was afraid of — that she wasn't into me? What then?

Never mind that she was in an open relationship, which rarely left much time for us to connect. I might never get the quality time I wanted with her.

And yet, here I was. I was falling for someone, hard, and scared to tell her how I felt.

In the end, I figured I'd rather know how she felt about me, even if the answer wasn't what I wanted to hear. It seemed better to definitively know she wasn't into me than to keep hoping that she was.

And then I remembered that while I keep expecting the worst-case scenario to happen (she hates me, finds me needy, and falls in love with a Brazilian Capoeira master), the best-case scenario is also a viable option.

Imagine the best-case scenario

She might be head over heels for me, just as scared to commit to our relationship and desperately wanting to dive deep with me.

Or it might be something in the middle. She loves spending time with me and doesn't know what the future holds, but she's open to exploring our connection together.

I would only know if I started speaking up for myself, asking for what I want, and getting curious about her needs and desires as well.

So, who will stand up for you if you're too scared?

Who's going to build the life of your dreams for you?

Who will speak up for you and advocate for the kind of life you're proud of?

No one.

No one but you. Because you're 100% in charge of advocating for your needs, standing up for yourself, and building the life of your dreams. This empowerment is yours to claim.

And the best way to start doing that is to start asking for what you want and need out of life.

I know you might be afraid to ask for what you want from someone because they might say no, and you won't know how to deal with rejection.

Not asking is you saying no to them and not giving them a chance to surprise you. So, what do you have to lose? A little hit to the ego? An awkward exchange where you ask for something, and they say no?

Now, ask yourself, "What do I have to gain?"

Everything.

You have everything to gain from finding the courage to start advocating for your desires, needs, and dreams.

Make your needs easy to meet (AKA dumb your needs down)

Before you can start asking for the life of your dreams, you need to get clear on what you want (a need or desire) — and then make that need or desire easy to meet.

If you make vague requests, it'll be hard for the recipient to meet that request.

That means you need to get very clear about what you want. Here are some examples of how you can be more explicit about your requests.

• Instead of asking for more touch, ask for a particular kind of touch.

• Instead of being more present, ask for more eye contact during dinner or conversation.

• Instead of asking for more time together, ask for one night out weekly and a walk on Saturday mornings.

• Instead of asking for space, ask for a specific kind of space (say, two hours spent working on your project without interruption.)

If you need more clarification on what you want, spend some time reflecting (or journaling) and thinking about what you want and what action steps someone could take to meet that desire.

• When you want more intimacy, what does that mean to you?

• When you want help, what kind of help do you want?

• When you need more effort, what do you mean by 'effort'?

Got it?

OK, now that you have a more precise action item that will meet your need or desire, it's time to muster up all the courage you can and make your ask.

But before we do that, let's touch on rejection real quick.

Rejection is liberating; Learn to love it

When someone says no to your request, they aren't saying no to you as a person; they're saying no to whatever you asked.

The beauty of someone saying no is that you know exactly where they stand, and you can find someone else (or another way) to meet your needs.

Rejection is incredibly liberating because it clarifies what your person can and can't do (or what they desire or don't desire.)

And it's not personal. It might feel intensely personal, but for the most part, it isn't. This understanding can help you feel less vulnerable and more resilient.

When someone says no to you, they're saying that meeting your need or desire conflicts with a desire or need of theirs.

Your need for more time together could conflict with their need for more space. Your desire for a date on Saturday could conflict with their desire to play soccer with friends.

How to deal with rejection and the options you have when someone says no is a different topic, but first, eliminate "I need…" language from your vocabulary.

I’d love it if you never said: “I need you to…” again

Avoid asking for anything like this:

"I need you to slow down when we first start having sex. I take a bit longer to get aroused."

"I need you to take out the trash — I'm tired of doing everything on my own."

"I need more effort from you."

Using "I need…" language tends to shut people down. They get defensive, and it's tough to recover. Instead of meeting your needs, you're arguing about how much effort your partner puts into the relationship.

Here's my suggestion on how to get your needs met.

Instead, use “I’d love it if…”

Use this sentence stem to ask for pretty much anything. Let me show you how.

How to ask for a silent massage from a chatty therapist:

"I've had a long week and have been looking forward to this massage for awhile. I'd love it if we didn't chat, so I can fully relax into this experience."

How to ask for clarity in your relationship (status):

"I'm enjoying our connection, and I'd be happy only to date you. I'd be excited to spend some time talking about our feelings towards each other and the relationship."

How to ask for help:

"I'm not great at asking for help, because growing up asking for help was seen as a sign of weakness. I'm wondering if you'd be willing to help me with something? Is that something you're available for?"

How to ask for more effort from a partner:

"I've been feeling very overwhelmed these days, and I'm not sure how to ask for this, but it's important that I do, so here goes. I'd love it if you could _______________ (insert what effort means to you here)."

How to ask for more touch:

"I'd love it if you gave me a big hug when I come home. I'd also love it if we could cuddle on the couch a few times a week where we hold each other without watching TV or even talking."

How to ask for more time:

"I love spending time with you. I've been craving to see you more, and I'd like to know if you'd be open to seeing each other once or twice a week. We could take a walk on Sunday mornings before we rush off to run our errands.

Using this framework and being specific about how people can meet your needs or desires will lead to more people saying yes to you.

For the most part, the people you love want to please. And when you ask using the "I'd love it if…" framework, you're letting people know how happy you'd be if they met your request.

When people say no, you'll be able to find creative ways for your needs to be met or someone else who wants to say yes.

So, what do you have to lose?

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Stuff coming down the pipeline

I’m co-teaching a course with George Kao on how to use Substack to publish your writing.

Together, along with Kristina God's Online Writing Club, we’ll teach you everything we know about Substack. From how to log on to making a consistent and reliable income by writing and creating content on Substack.

George’s course are affordable, easy to understand and implement, and offer a gentle approach to marketing and content creation. I’ve always been turned off by traditional marketing that promotes slimy sales funnels and high-pressure sales (buy now before it’s too late!)

I’ll be sharing my experience on Substack since I joined about six months ago, how I go to over 600 paid subscribers, and the power of “paywalling the personal”. Ask George, Kristina, and myself any and all questions you have about using Substack to publish your work, and if you want, grow your income.

We start November 26th, and all calls are recorded. It’s going to be a fun time, for sure.

Click here to learn more and sign up.

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If you haven’t listened to the We Can Do Better podcast with Jhon Kim and myself, you’re in for a treat. 4.9 stars on Apple Podcast, and we’re having a blast talking about everything love, sex, dating, and masculinity.

And, as a bonus, we’re also exploring our budding friendship as we deepen our relationship on the podcast.

Listen here: https://pod.link/1751983866

That’s it for now!