Why you need to talk about sex (and how to do it)

Some tips and scripts to help you talk about sex and become a better lover.

Let's be honest: it's awkward to talk about sex because no one showed us how. And that's too bad.

Porn doesn't help, and your parents certainly didn't model how sexy talking about sex can be (and if they did, kudos to them).

Sex education is virtually nonexistent, and it certainly doesn't include how to navigate consent with courage and clarity, how to talk about your sexual health, or the art of bringing communication into the bedroom.

It's a shame

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More comprehensive communication and relationship education would undoubtedly lead to higher levels of interpersonal satisfaction, not to mention better sex lives.

Paul Joannides, Psy.D. and author of The Guide to Getting It On, has us consider:

"Imagine going to a restaurant where the chef served you whatever he or she felt like fixing instead of giving you a choice. Imagine a gardener who never asked, 'How do you like your bushes trimmed?' Yet when it comes to sex many of us assume that we know what our partner wants, or we clam up instead of giving feedback."

We're doing our relationships and our sexuality satisfaction a disservice when we refuse to talk about sex.

Dr. Elyakim Kislev, Ph.D., emphasizes that “sexual communication is positively correlated with sexual satisfaction. In fact, some researchers show that sexual communication — particularly the ability to ask for specific acts — is a mediator between sexual self-esteem and sexual satisfaction.”

That's not all.

Dr. Kislev explains that "higher levels of sexual communication positively correlate with more orgasms experienced and a higher frequency of intercourse."

Talking about sex leads to more orgasms. I can get behind that.

There's no doubt about it; couples who talk about sex have a better sex life, and an increase in sexual satisfaction can lead to an increase in general life satisfaction. That seems like a no-brainer to me.

As a love coach with a background in interpersonal communication, I'm ecstatic to bring more clarity, excitement, and satisfaction anytime I can using the best tool we have to connect: our words.

YOLO. Say the thing already.

When I poll people and ask them what prevents them from talking about sex, this is what they say:

• I'm ashamed of what I want.

• I'm scared of getting rejected.

• I don't know how.

• I lack confidence.

• I don't want to hurt the other.

• I didn't feel safe enough to do so.

If you identify with any of these reasons for not talking about sex, you're in the right place, and you're not alone. Not by a long shot.

And by the way, if it wasn't clear yet, this article isn't only for couples. It's for anyone who wants to have sex, regardless of relationship status, gender, or orientation. If you identify as a human who wants to have sex or is curious about sex, you belong here.

Great.

The status quo of not talking about sex

If you're not comfortable talking about sex, you're not alone; I'd say that you're in the majority. When you get used to avoiding the subject, not talking about sex becomes the status quo.

From the fear of rejection for expressing a desire to feeling ashamed of your sexual preferences, there are numerous reasons why you might find it difficult to talk about sex. It's important to remember that these challenges are common and you're not alone in facing them.

Regardless of the reasons that have held you back from discussing sex, it's never too late to start. The longer you avoid this important conversation, the more challenging it may seem, but with courage and determination, you can overcome these barriers and start improving your sexual communication.

Long-term couples who don't talk about sex have a much harder time broaching the subject than those who started talking about sex from the get-go.

Lisa Firestone, Ph.D. says, "too often, people let years pass without having a conversation about their sexuality. When it comes to sex, most people tend to feel there are a lot of "supposed to's," as if they are supposed to perform this way or feel that way in a sexual encounter."

This means we're operating under assumptions that aren't necessarily shared, which can lead to confusion or accidental boundary violations.

And I thought sex was supposed to be fun and easy?

The guessing game is over

Sorry to burst your bubble, but the days of assuming what your partner wants and likes are over.

Thinking that you know what makes for great sex without checking in with your partner is presumptuous and lacks humility.

Everyone is different, and you'll never get to know your partners if you don't get curious about what they love in bed (and tell them what you love). People in your life don't know your sexual preferences, just like you don't know theirs.

Sure, there's the traditional, hetero-normative script of sex we're used to seeing in porn and replicating in our bedrooms of making out, leading to oral sex, leading to penetration, and I'm here to say that script is tired and rote.

You can lean on tired routines you assume your partner wants, or you can break from silence and start voicing your needs.

There's so much more to sex than a penis in the vagina, and you won't get to explore much of it if you can't speak up for what you want in bed and to take an active role in deepening your sexual satisfaction.

You can do better than non-verbally fumbling your way through sexual encounters because you're scared of speaking up or lack the language to start talking about sex.

When you rely on nonverbal communication, you depend on correctly reading the situation, the energy, and often confusing and contradictory micro-expressions to determine whether your actions are working.

Sometimes it is, and sometimes it's not.

And I'd much rather know that what I'm doing feels excellent to my partner than merely hoping it does.

If you're with me, read on, my friend.

Speaking on being with me, here’s what I look for in a partner. You might like #3.

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Empowering each other

One of my favorite therapists, Dr. Jay Talkoff, once said: "when you communicate more, they communicate more." It's a pretty obvious statement, but one that bears exploring.

The more you talk about sex, the more you show your partner that it's OK to talk about sex.

When you show courage in opening up about your sexual desires, fears, and fantasies, you're creating an environment of safety and permission that fosters closeness and intimacy.

Talking about sex empowers others to speak about sex. That's the goal. Open, honest, and playful communication leads to more fulfilled and intimate relationships.

And you'll be pleasantly surprised at how much people are willing to talk about sex if you make the first move in bringing it up.

But won't it ruin the mood?

Unequivocally, no.

Speaking from personal experience here, I've never ruined a sexual encounter by talking about sex before, during, or after sex. Ever. Not once.

"The Mood" isn't nearly as fragile as you make it out to be. What you call the mood, I call 'energy,' and the thing about energy is that it ebbs and flows.

And if talking about sex, sexual health, or your desires and boundaries kills the mood, then the mood wasn't hot enough to begin with.

In my (now defunct) podcast conversation with Britt East, I explore how sharing my desires, talking about my sexual health, and being curious about my partner's desires can do a lot more to increase the energy or the mood of a sexual encounter than to take away from it or ruin it.

But won't talking about sex be awkward?

Unequivocally, yes. At first.

How can it not be?

You're going to dance naked and grind your genitals together in a way that hopefully makes you both feel good? Sounds pretty awkward to me.

Anything you do will be awkward and scary at first.

Talking about sex is kind of like playing tennis. At first, if you've never done it before, it'll be pretty awkward, and you're going to suck. But, over time, you'll get used to it. You'll feel more natural, fumble less, and be more fun.

And eventually, you might even start to like it. It might even turn you on — this is good because talking about sex can lead to getting turned on, and that's the whole point.

So, where do we start?

Starting to talk about sex

Start at the beginning by not springing a conversation about sex with your lover on them out of the blue.

It might be tempting to talk about sex right before having sex. While I advocate talking about sex before, during, and after sex, if you're new to talking about sex, consider setting some time to speak apart from your lovemaking session.

"Hey, I'd love to spend some time talking about our sex life. It's not something I have a lot of experience in doing, but I think it's important, and I'd love to do it with you (wink wink). Is that something we can do this weekend?"

And what you talk about depends on where you're in the relationship and your goals.

If you're wondering what there is to talk about when it comes to sex, here are some subjects you might want to explore with your lover and some scripts that might be helpful to get started.

These scripts are jumping-off points. If I could script the entire conversation for you, I would. But I can't.

So you'll have to muster up some courage, a healthy dose of faith, and a dash of nerves and go for it.

Remember, you're in charge of your sexual satisfaction, and you can't expect to build the kind of sex life you're proud of without asking for what you want.

So, get to it!

What Is there to talk about?

There's no shortage of topics when it comes to sex. Pick one and go for it.

The sexual health conversation

Hopefully, this conversation happens before you have sex, but if you've already had sex, it's never too late to talk about your sexual health.

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Because this is a vast topic, I wrote a detailed blog post (above) and recorded a podcast episode on having this conversation, but here's the opener:

"I'd love to take a moment to talk about sexual health with you. I don't want to assume what will happen between us, but this seems like a good time to talk about it. Are you up for it?"

What turns you on

Your lover isn't a mind reader, so sharing what you like is the best way to get what you want.

"I have a fun date idea. Let's spend an hour filling out this questionnaire and then talk about what we like and dislike in bed. There's a few things I'd love to do with you, but honestly, I'm a bit shy to talk about it. Hopefully this exercise will help!"

Safer sex precautions

What barriers do you want to use? What kind of sexual activities are you willing to enjoy without barriers? Is anyone on birth control?

"Hey, can we spend some time talking about how we can practice safer sex? I have some ideas I'd love to share with you, then you can tell me what you think about them. Sounds good?"

What kind of touch you prefer

Where are the places that you especially enjoy being touched? How do you want to be touched, caressed, kissed, and held?

Can you share this with your partner?

"I'd love to spend some time this evening showing you how I like to be touched. I've never done this before, but I love having sex with you and I think I might like it even more if I show you a few ways I like to be touched. Are you up for it?"

Or

"I love having sex with you, and I adore our physical connection. While I like it when you touch me like this, I would really love it if you could do this as well or instead. It would make me feel even closer and more connected to you. Here, let me show you what feels incredible to me."

Telling someone to slow down

This is a tough one, but it is certainly a conversation worth having.

"I'd love it if we could slow down when we're starting to make love. It takes a bit longer for me to get aroused and if we go slower, there's a better chance that I'll really get into it. And, I love getting into it with you."

These examples are a shortlist.

There's no shortage of what you can talk about when you find the courage (and the scripts) to take your sexual satisfaction into your hands.

I'm inviting you to use these scripts to get the conversation going and trust that the more you talk about sex, the easier it gets (eventually).

You are 100% responsible for your sexual health, satisfaction, and fulfillment, and if you won't talk about it, who will?

You got this.

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Upcoming retreats, events, and my new sex toy.

We Can Love Better Retreat

Private Home in Idyllwild, CA | April 18 - 20

A weekend with me and my podcast co-host, buddy, and licensed therapist John Kim for those ready to embrace themselves fully, reconnect with their hearts, and find joy and playfulness with others in community. See it as a jumping-off point for a more loving, connected, and joyful life. Come be soft and silly with us.

Suitable for singles or couples. Learn more and sign up here.

Love Camp Weekend

Kripalu Center for Yoga & Health in Lennox, MA | June 20-22

I’m so excited about this. It’s a bucket-list experience for me to teach at Kripalu.

Join me for a three-day Love Camp, a program designed to help you:

• Explore how to be more vulnerable in your relationships.

• Debunk the stories keeping you in the past.

• Connect with like-minded and hearted people in a magical setting.

• Bring more play to your life.

Suitable for singles or couples. Learn more and sign up here.

Elle - The Glass Wand

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