I just moved to a new town and within a few weeks of moving, my dad died which obviously interfered with all my preconceived ideas of how I would meet people. Summer is over, the pool is closed (where I planned on meeting neighbors) and now I’m lonely and also grieving and not really feeling like meeting people. I know you’ve been in a similar position, so do you have any suggestions on how to balance grief, loneliness, and meeting people in a new place all while I just feel like living life under my blankets?? (PS I’m always jealous of your blanket videos 😆)
I'm so sorry for your loss, Rebecca! I too had big plans last summer to enjoy Montreal, walk around and show the city to my girlfriend at the time, and enjoy seeing friends again. And when my dad died, all that went up in the air. I just couldn't do much but survive. Some days I could barely take Roger out, and others I tried to see a friend for a coffee. If they talked about anything remotely challenging or sad, I would shut down. It just didn't go as planned.
So, I just accepted that this is what it was going to be like. Small, sad, and lonely.
Moving to a new place is hard, and meeting people when you're grieving is hard, too. I didn't feel like myself, so would the connections be organic?
One thing that helped was to go sit in public places on my own. I felt with people, but didn't have to show up in any particular way.
I can relate to this too 🫶 One thing that’s helped me is yoga classes… In person, or live online (depending on how much I want to be witnessed that day). The gentle movement and breathing helps process and release the grief from your body, and the nurturing community environment feels like a safe space to be in sadness while still desiring to connect. I recommend looking for a more traditional yoga studio (as opposed to one focused more on workouts or appearances) because they tend to hold better space for healing. Wishing you grace during your process and new levels of well-being on the others side! 💞
There truly is a lighter, deeper, clearer you coming into being through this painful process, and having the courage to feel your way through it is a superpower! 🌟 ❤️🩹
I came to suggest the same, Rebecca. I lost my dad last summer and it blew up my world. I didn’t want to be alone but couldn’t carry on normal conversations with my friends. I ended up discovering a coffee shop that felt cozy. I’d bring a journal and write and observe those around me. Sometimes I’d engage with them and talking to strangers was easier, lighter. It would fill my cup just enough to make going home, not so lonely.
Rebecca I so feel this and sorry for the loss of your dad. I can relate as I uprooted my life two years ago from the Bay Area to Sacramento to help my mom and she passed away this June. I’ve been stressed from other life challenges including loneliness, and I’ve been doing the work on myself. Shaun, also no question but wanted to share my condolences and sentiments that I love way of sharing through the voicemail’s to dad. I thought about doing something like that to my mom ❤️
Hi Shaun, I’ve followed your work for quite some time and I’ve enjoyed the parasocial relationship. You’re human and open and funny. You really come across as a person people want to be friends with. So far I’ve freeloaded, hoping that my presence as a follower and commenter helps with monetizing your work, but based on your recent comments, it feels like I need to pony up to help you continue your process of observing and sharing and helping other folks. The budget is tight, but I hope to participate soon. That’s all. You seem like a great imperfect human on a human journey. Thanks for sharing your life. - Collin
It's always great when people support my work, especially when they've gotten some real value from it. And, I get that not everyone can (can you IMAGINE?!) and times are tough for many. Contribute if you can, and don't worry about it if you can't.
There are so many other ways like sharing your favorite reel to your stories, and telling your friend about the new podcast.
It's true, I'm pivoting and financially, I could totally use the help, but I want people who can contribute to do so freely, not because they feel they have to.
Well, thanks Mia, I love this! And I am trying to hard to let them lovely comments and show of support in more than the troll messages I sometimes get on Instagram. Starting with this one! ❤️
The first thing that comes to mind is when my father found a way to connect with me after I got sober. It was incredibly hard but he persisted and we eventually found our way back to each other. I can't think of anything kinder anyone has ever done for me.
Hi :) More of an expression of feeling then question because not sure that there’s an answer .. but figured nothing to lose on this odd platform with a strange man lol ( I mean stranger ;)
How in the hell, does one hold on to who they are at their core, in their soul and heart… when most interactions with men seem to harden and lead me the other way … Want to let myself be soft and open and trusting and nurturing , but every-time , just bites me in the ass. So hard to keep space for that but also keep trying to make connections authentically. So don’t want to be that jaded, distrusting girl but geez… Mtl men…. not great :/
I think @hebeder said it best. I don't think it's the men in Montreal (or NY, SF, Berlin, Paris, Edinburg, or Melbourne). We can always find something wrong the local pool, but it's more important to remain open but be cautious about who you open up to. I'm not saying play games, but take your time to open up to someone. Trust is earned slowly over time for a reason.
Also could have written this. Mtl men indeed but we know the city isn’t really the issue. ;)
I want to stay open but with that comes the devastation when it doesn’t work out. But what’s the alternative? Being closed off emotionally/walls up isn’t going to open us up to the right person.
I guess we have to find the balance. Be open but on guard. Know our boundaries and stand by them.
@tana I relate to this to a degree. And it’s bringing up some recent questioning of “morals” I was taught. I remember reading many years ago that Tim Ferris, when he’s getting to know a new friend, will “test” them. Not to be a manipulative dick, but to get to know their character a bit sooner. I actually think that this is very important, especially for women. I read an article in the guardian a long time ago that many women end up in abusive relationships because they are easy going, and by the time there is that first “conflict” they are already living with or overly invested in a relationship/ socially tied and can be totally surprised at an aggressive reaction. And it spirals from there.
While intentionally manipulating or triggering people on purpose is nefarious, I do think it’s very important to find out, prior to any major commitments (especially finically impactful, like moving in together), how someone handles conflict, disappointment, boundaries and discomfort. Both in their reactivity and their ability to communicate.
I recently ended a relationship that was going well as long as I was frequently available; then my dad went to rehab, I am moving, and my job is at risk. I went completely internal and shut down mode and instead of spaciousness I had a person who was frustrated that I didn’t want to talk every day for an hour. I discovered that there was no room for waves of closeness; this person needed a type of closeness that is unsustainable for me. (He felt abandoned; I felt like I was running an emotional marathon each day and at the end he needed me to do a 10k with him no matter how depleted I was) We are both lucky to have discovered this mismatch early on.
This answer is a bit rambling but I continue to try to navigate the line between “don’t play games” and “reasonable strength / compatibility tests are imperative”
How do you bridge the paradox between discernment and openness in dating? Or, how do you lead with an open heart while also being particular about your relational needs and values?
It sounds simple but trust your instincts. Go out with different people and be open to new experiences but as long as you know what your needs and values are (it seems like you do) it will become clear when something isn't a good fit. This coming from the girl who nearly missed the guy who ended up becoming her husband because I was so busy keeping my options open/afraid of intimacy at that time. The alignment between us niggled away at me and fortunately for me he was still open to it when I finally tuned in and listened to my gut. I hope that helps?
I’m not sure my response will help you but be yourself, try not to assume intentions, lead with a good heart and open communication. The balance is to not get to attached until your discernment tells you it’s a win, be friends or walk away.
Chiming in… I am fairly open. What I try to consider is “does this openness open me up to possible future harm (eg, we meet for the first date, he doesn’t pick me up and get my address), or is it just “vulnerable” along with a gentle dance of “am I being met with my vulnerability or is it one sided?” Even saying something as simple as “I’m so excited for this date, it’s been a challenging week” can be informative. Do they lose interest when I’m interested? Do they become overly invested in “fixing”? Etc. I don’t disregard someone because of a one-off response that I don’t like, but I do see how it plays out over time. And this isn’t a “are they worthy” kind of experiment, it’s an “are we a good fit”?
Your page and honesty has really helped me through my divorce. I didn’t feel like there was a man out there that could have all of the attributes I need. I thought I was wrong for wanting more. You have helped me see that I’m not wrong. The right guy is still out there. I hope that you are keeping your cup filled as you pour into all of us. How do you take care of your soul?
Thank you for the love! I go to therapy and workout nearly every day, I read fun books, spend time with friends, take long walks with my dog, and sometimes meditate or do yoga. I also just laugh a lot as much as possible with everyone around me!
Christina: I’m going through a divorce. The best advice I got was doubling down on your friendships and hobbies if you can. I kept running away from my life while married. But now I want to create the life I want it takes work and courage but so did staying married and leaving him! My soul feels good with the love of my friends and doing the things I want now. I don’t have to drag anyone to do anything they don’t want to do. It’s liberating! We got this!
I am in a similar situation, trying to create a new life for myself after my divorce. It is hard after being a wife for 27 years and my 2 sons not needing me as much, my predefined roles of wife and mother. But I am slowly getting there, making new friends and hobbies.
How do you prevent anxiety and fears from steering the ship in life? I have really struggled with this as I hit my late 30s. I care so much about what people think and anxiety seems to be getting the best of me. I need to control this better and let things go and not fall in this spiral.
Oh, this is a great question, and something. struggle with often. I find that a lot of my life is steered or stemmed by fear. It's one of the primary emotions that I struggle expressing and letting go of. So, I still get ruled by fear, and when I can, try to remember that the fear is there to tell me something. Often it's to prevent me from getting hurt, or to protect me from getting rejected, ridiculed, or to look like I don't know what I'm doing.
If I'm lucky, I recognize it as something to pay attention to but not to stop me from doing something bold and courageous.
I also try to live with a lot of faith that things will work out for me, and if they don't, there will be a big lesson for me there.
So basically, do it scared. And life is too short to play small.
The best piece of advice I ever got about this was also" what other people think of you is none of your business."
Is there anything in particular you're scared of doing?
Katie, I wasted a lot of my time and created anxiety for myself by worrying about what others think of me in my 30’s. I’m now in my late 50’s and I’ll say in true GenX fashion I’m living up to that stereotype and I really don’t GAF what people think of my decisions, what I wear, how I cut my hair, whatever the “it” is. I am done living my life pleasing other people or worrying about their opinion of me or any fears. Am I going to fail if I try something new and don’t know what I’m doing? Maybe. Fear freezes us from becoming amazing, or from failing and learning from those failures, or maybe from embarrassment. But who cares? At least we tried something.
I have been the primary caregiver for my husband for over 7 years. Unfortunately, he is facing a terminal illness and has been diagnosed with a very rare condition. Currently, he resides with me, although our romantic relationship ended over 8 years ago. Despite this, I have chosen to remain by his side and provide unwavering support as he requires. Sometimes certain orbits that we occupy leave us with choices that are not really choices - right? After 5-6 years of celibacy I decided to test dating waters (needs defied principles).
We have an arrangement “do not ask do not tell”, respecting his wishes. I find that single men have difficulty dating me. Their only intention is fwb type of relationship because of my situation. I am emotionally and physically available and am a very confident woman that knows what she wants. However, I sometimes wonder if i should be upfront with my situation or not… but it is important to me to be honest. My question is, do you think it is beneficial to bring it up before i meet them, or wait after a few dates (after they get to know me a bit)?
Wow, this sounds challenging and I'm so glad that you've decided to make your needs a priority. Honestly, I have no clue. I would try both and see what happens, but also, I don't think it's going to matter. For the right man, it's going to be a non-issue. Your situation isn't the most common but it's not unheard of. Hopefully, someone can chime in with another answer or their own experience.
Thank you for getting back to me! My situation is a bit unconventional, and I would really appreciate hearing from someone who has gone through something similar or knows someone who has had a comparable experience.
It's super inspiring that you have faced the reality of your situation and have decided to take care of yourself as well as care for your loved one. It's a brave decision to choose ourselves through our circumstances and obligations. I think this is particularly difficult for caregivers.
Check out the book "The Ethical Slut" by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton. I know they address this exact topic in one of the chapters. I also believe one of the authors found herself in this situation. Both also do podcasts as guests so you might find them speaking about it in that context. Big hug ❤️
Hi Shaun 🙋🏻♀️ I’m so sorry Insta has been a troublesome spot lately, I have enjoyed you there for a couple years now. I also want to give my condolences for your Dad, I can only imagine how difficult that has been for you. I am curious how you like Montreal, especially coming from the West. I love your ease with which you answer everyone’s questions and comments, I’m sure it can be draining at times. I’d like to offer a huge ((hug)) and thank you for inviting people to this platform, I’ve never been here before.
I love Montreal, it's where I'm from and where I was raised until the age of 13, when we moved to the states. Then, after 20 years in California, I loved back for 5 years. Montreal will always be home, and it doesn't hurt that I speak French, something that helps a lot here with getting connected, thought it's necessary.
Good morning. My mom died six months ago and I find myself isolating and being quiet. I feel like these past six months space and time haven’t existed. (Like how is it September?) I quit dating apps because I was like, there’s no way you are going to meet “Kevin” on a Thursday night. 😂 just no.
However, I also realize life keeps moving and I can’t seem to find a way out of wanting to be alone. I have loving friends and family, an excellent super system and even small interactions feel exhausting. I’m in therapy and coaching, so building a toolkit of skills. AND yet I don’t know how to move out of this space, feeling better alone.
I’m not who I was and yet, not entirely sure how to be who I am after losing my mom.
I'm sorry for your loss, and I think you're exactly where you need to be. Quiet and alone is what I needed too. And after awhile, I got the fuck out of Arizona and jumped back into life in Montreal and it's been life-giving. You're probably not quite there yet, and that's OK.
You're already dong a lot as it is, and grieving on top of that. Give yourself a break and trust that you'll know when you're ready.
Hey Shaun! Thank you in advance for your time. I met a woman who was going through a divorce back in March. We hit it off quickly and started spending entire weekends together and going on day trips. She is incredible, so much chemistry and even better, a shared hobby. About 3 months after we met, her divorce is finalized. A couple days later, she calls me to define the relationship. I made the mistake of bringing things up that I think may be problems in the future for us, basically stating that I have cold feet. My feet eventually warmed and I told her that I have feelings for her that are more than friendly. Unfortunately, she told me that she moved on and is now with another guy, but we can still be friends. I took this very poorly once I got home. A couple days later when we saw each other, she was very short with me, as if I didn’t exist anymore. I apologized for bringing future problems into the present, but she now speaks to me in almost a cruel way (in my opinion) when I attempt to get us to a point of friendship, almost like she hates me. In your opinion, is there anything I can do to “fight” for the relationship and if so, how do I do that? Fighting for a relationship is not something I’m familiar with doing. Unfortunately, even after 2 months, she’s who I think of when I wake up, go to bed, participate in our shared hobby, etc.
I don't think there's much you can do other than to reach out and say something like: "Well, I'm bummed this ended the way it did. It sounds like friendship isn't in the cards either, and I wish I'd never expressed cold feet to you, but here we are. I've loved getting to know you, and if ever open to reconnecting, feel free to reach out. Take good care."
And then, move on.
To be fair, even though you can't stop thinking about her, the way she ended things speaks to her character and being short and cruel are big red flags to be aware of.
Might be time for a new hobby partner. (Is it pickleball?)
Thank you, Shaun, and thank you for your reply, I'm sorry it happened, too.
Also, thank you for the recommendation on what to say. I'll give it a shot and stay alert to the red flags you mentioned if we reconnect. i think this may be a situation of high chemistry but low compatibility. i remember my body feeling "activated" when we were together at times, almost as if my body knew something i didn't.
As much as i don't want to admit it, It might be time for a new hobby partner. It's cycling, a hobby that we share, too. I haven't played pickleball before, should i give it a shot?
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Thanks Jason, and I think listening to your body is very important in this case. High chemistry low compatibility is a recipe for heartache, even if she's a fun cycling partner. A lot of people like to cycle, I'm sure you can find a new partner!
Pickleball isn't for me but lots of people love it. Crossfit has been doing it for me, though.
Thank you, Shaun. I agree, I think listening to my body was important. It's a mega bummer that we may have been high chemistry, low compatibility, and that combination led to heartache.
Thank you for being hopeful for me that I can find a new cycling partner!
I'll keep an eye out for an opportunity to try out both pickleball and crossfit.
Some interesting things i've noticed since the split: i'm listening to attached by amir levine and rachel heller and noticed i'm both anxious and avoidant, so i'll be working on becoming more secure in my attachment style. also, i think my low self esteem worked to push this woman away. time for therapy.
Hello, I’m on a flight right now to see my daughter, she is 32, married, one daughter 17 months old, she was 9 weeks pregnant with baby #2 and had a miscarriage today. She is devastated, and I am going out to be with her for 10 days. Her husband has to go out of town for his job tomorrow. My question is..what is the best way to comfort her. My heart is breaking for her, and I want to navigate this with compassion and love. I want to say all the things like, it’s gonna be ok, you can have more babies, but I know those seem inappropriate right now. I know I just need to sit with her and her grief, and just be there. But any insights on how to navigate this would be appreciated! I am also very very sad! But I know I need to be strong for her! Thanks!
As someone who has experienced miscarriage/child loss and has many women close to me who have as well - my best advice is to just listen. Take her lead - if she wants to talk let her or if she doesn’t want to that’s okay too. Many of my friends have said they feel isolated because the people around them either minimize what happened or try to avoid the topic and act as if it never happened. She is lucky to have you as a mom, who is thoughtful and caring enough to even ask this question. Just having someone there so she can process without feeling like she needs to take care of anyone else is huge. I know I’m not Shaun- but I thought I’d share my 2 cents.
I really appreciate you chiming; your responses have been so helpful. I want to empower people to comment on each others situations if they feel called to and stay loving and helpful!
Connie, thank you so much for your kind words, they helped me very much! I really appreciate your thoughtful advice! I am still on my way, won’t get there til late tonight, but I will keep those thoughts in my heart as we navigate this tragedy! I understand completely about people not wanting to bring up something painful, I know people do that because they don’t know what to say or they are afraid of making you sad. My brother passed away 30+ years ago and right after everyone asked how I was doing, but after a few months it stops, but I really did like it when people asked about him or talked about him. Kept his memory alive! And I still talk about him, you never stop that! I will remember that, and again, thank you! 🩷
Christy I’m so glad my words were helpful! I wish the best for you and your daughter during this difficult time. I think your instinct is right - often people are very supportive right after something happens and then as time passes and things settle down it can feel very lonely. Continuing to check in with her as time goes on would probably be a good idea. 💜
I don’t have a question but I just wanted to express my love and gratitude to you Shaun. I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling this week, it feels like a tough time for so many people right now. Please know that you have been such a lifeline to me while dating over the last couple of years, your advice has been invaluable. Having some time off the scene atm as it’s not been great for my mental health (too many ghosters doing my head in 🙄) but still loving the content. You’re amazing 💛
I had pancreatic cancer 6 years ago. I am cancer free and healthy, but have a scar (that I see as sexy and badass). Do you think that people would be hesitant to date me because of the risk of recurrence for me? (55yo cis F, hetero romantic)
Congrats on being cancer free! Honestly, I don't think this plays into people's analysis of whether they should date you, especially since you're cancer free and don't expect it to come back. Even people with cancer can have a healthy sex and love life.
Also, if this does scare someone away, they're were a good fit for you!
And, there's always the risk that someone you love will die, so there's no more risk for you than another random person. Plus, you have the added bonus of a cool scar and story to tell.
Congratulations on the all clear! And you are right, I am much richer in character having gone through tough times. I'm sure you are too. Great reminders. Wishing you so well on your health and love journey!!
Thanks! You are right, if it is a scare to someone, they should move on. I am a badass and fearless woman who happens to be a lot of fun. Thanks for reminding me of that. Really.
I just moved to a new town and within a few weeks of moving, my dad died which obviously interfered with all my preconceived ideas of how I would meet people. Summer is over, the pool is closed (where I planned on meeting neighbors) and now I’m lonely and also grieving and not really feeling like meeting people. I know you’ve been in a similar position, so do you have any suggestions on how to balance grief, loneliness, and meeting people in a new place all while I just feel like living life under my blankets?? (PS I’m always jealous of your blanket videos 😆)
I'm so sorry for your loss, Rebecca! I too had big plans last summer to enjoy Montreal, walk around and show the city to my girlfriend at the time, and enjoy seeing friends again. And when my dad died, all that went up in the air. I just couldn't do much but survive. Some days I could barely take Roger out, and others I tried to see a friend for a coffee. If they talked about anything remotely challenging or sad, I would shut down. It just didn't go as planned.
So, I just accepted that this is what it was going to be like. Small, sad, and lonely.
Moving to a new place is hard, and meeting people when you're grieving is hard, too. I didn't feel like myself, so would the connections be organic?
One thing that helped was to go sit in public places on my own. I felt with people, but didn't have to show up in any particular way.
Sending you love and blankets!
Thank you. That’s actually really great advice 🩵
I can relate to this too 🫶 One thing that’s helped me is yoga classes… In person, or live online (depending on how much I want to be witnessed that day). The gentle movement and breathing helps process and release the grief from your body, and the nurturing community environment feels like a safe space to be in sadness while still desiring to connect. I recommend looking for a more traditional yoga studio (as opposed to one focused more on workouts or appearances) because they tend to hold better space for healing. Wishing you grace during your process and new levels of well-being on the others side! 💞
There truly is a lighter, deeper, clearer you coming into being through this painful process, and having the courage to feel your way through it is a superpower! 🌟 ❤️🩹
Thank you 🩵
I came to suggest the same, Rebecca. I lost my dad last summer and it blew up my world. I didn’t want to be alone but couldn’t carry on normal conversations with my friends. I ended up discovering a coffee shop that felt cozy. I’d bring a journal and write and observe those around me. Sometimes I’d engage with them and talking to strangers was easier, lighter. It would fill my cup just enough to make going home, not so lonely.
Sending you an enormous hug.
Thank you 🩵
Rebecca I so feel this and sorry for the loss of your dad. I can relate as I uprooted my life two years ago from the Bay Area to Sacramento to help my mom and she passed away this June. I’ve been stressed from other life challenges including loneliness, and I’ve been doing the work on myself. Shaun, also no question but wanted to share my condolences and sentiments that I love way of sharing through the voicemail’s to dad. I thought about doing something like that to my mom ❤️
Hi Shaun, I’ve followed your work for quite some time and I’ve enjoyed the parasocial relationship. You’re human and open and funny. You really come across as a person people want to be friends with. So far I’ve freeloaded, hoping that my presence as a follower and commenter helps with monetizing your work, but based on your recent comments, it feels like I need to pony up to help you continue your process of observing and sharing and helping other folks. The budget is tight, but I hope to participate soon. That’s all. You seem like a great imperfect human on a human journey. Thanks for sharing your life. - Collin
Hey Collin. I'm glad you're here!
It's always great when people support my work, especially when they've gotten some real value from it. And, I get that not everyone can (can you IMAGINE?!) and times are tough for many. Contribute if you can, and don't worry about it if you can't.
There are so many other ways like sharing your favorite reel to your stories, and telling your friend about the new podcast.
It's true, I'm pivoting and financially, I could totally use the help, but I want people who can contribute to do so freely, not because they feel they have to.
Thanks again for your lovely comment. ❤️
I just want to say how much I appreciate you. That’s all! No question. Just appreciation!
Well, thanks Mia, I love this! And I am trying to hard to let them lovely comments and show of support in more than the troll messages I sometimes get on Instagram. Starting with this one! ❤️
what is the kindest thing that anyone has ever done for you?
The first thing that comes to mind is when my father found a way to connect with me after I got sober. It was incredibly hard but he persisted and we eventually found our way back to each other. I can't think of anything kinder anyone has ever done for me.
I love hearing about your dad Shaun. Thanks for sharing little glimpses of him and your memories with us.
beautiful! thank you for sharing!
Hi :) More of an expression of feeling then question because not sure that there’s an answer .. but figured nothing to lose on this odd platform with a strange man lol ( I mean stranger ;)
How in the hell, does one hold on to who they are at their core, in their soul and heart… when most interactions with men seem to harden and lead me the other way … Want to let myself be soft and open and trusting and nurturing , but every-time , just bites me in the ass. So hard to keep space for that but also keep trying to make connections authentically. So don’t want to be that jaded, distrusting girl but geez… Mtl men…. not great :/
I think @hebeder said it best. I don't think it's the men in Montreal (or NY, SF, Berlin, Paris, Edinburg, or Melbourne). We can always find something wrong the local pool, but it's more important to remain open but be cautious about who you open up to. I'm not saying play games, but take your time to open up to someone. Trust is earned slowly over time for a reason.
Also could have written this. Mtl men indeed but we know the city isn’t really the issue. ;)
I want to stay open but with that comes the devastation when it doesn’t work out. But what’s the alternative? Being closed off emotionally/walls up isn’t going to open us up to the right person.
I guess we have to find the balance. Be open but on guard. Know our boundaries and stand by them.
@tana I relate to this to a degree. And it’s bringing up some recent questioning of “morals” I was taught. I remember reading many years ago that Tim Ferris, when he’s getting to know a new friend, will “test” them. Not to be a manipulative dick, but to get to know their character a bit sooner. I actually think that this is very important, especially for women. I read an article in the guardian a long time ago that many women end up in abusive relationships because they are easy going, and by the time there is that first “conflict” they are already living with or overly invested in a relationship/ socially tied and can be totally surprised at an aggressive reaction. And it spirals from there.
While intentionally manipulating or triggering people on purpose is nefarious, I do think it’s very important to find out, prior to any major commitments (especially finically impactful, like moving in together), how someone handles conflict, disappointment, boundaries and discomfort. Both in their reactivity and their ability to communicate.
I recently ended a relationship that was going well as long as I was frequently available; then my dad went to rehab, I am moving, and my job is at risk. I went completely internal and shut down mode and instead of spaciousness I had a person who was frustrated that I didn’t want to talk every day for an hour. I discovered that there was no room for waves of closeness; this person needed a type of closeness that is unsustainable for me. (He felt abandoned; I felt like I was running an emotional marathon each day and at the end he needed me to do a 10k with him no matter how depleted I was) We are both lucky to have discovered this mismatch early on.
This answer is a bit rambling but I continue to try to navigate the line between “don’t play games” and “reasonable strength / compatibility tests are imperative”
How do you bridge the paradox between discernment and openness in dating? Or, how do you lead with an open heart while also being particular about your relational needs and values?
I'm going to be honest, I have no idea how to answer this, but I hope that others will chime in.
It sounds simple but trust your instincts. Go out with different people and be open to new experiences but as long as you know what your needs and values are (it seems like you do) it will become clear when something isn't a good fit. This coming from the girl who nearly missed the guy who ended up becoming her husband because I was so busy keeping my options open/afraid of intimacy at that time. The alignment between us niggled away at me and fortunately for me he was still open to it when I finally tuned in and listened to my gut. I hope that helps?
I’m not sure my response will help you but be yourself, try not to assume intentions, lead with a good heart and open communication. The balance is to not get to attached until your discernment tells you it’s a win, be friends or walk away.
Chiming in… I am fairly open. What I try to consider is “does this openness open me up to possible future harm (eg, we meet for the first date, he doesn’t pick me up and get my address), or is it just “vulnerable” along with a gentle dance of “am I being met with my vulnerability or is it one sided?” Even saying something as simple as “I’m so excited for this date, it’s been a challenging week” can be informative. Do they lose interest when I’m interested? Do they become overly invested in “fixing”? Etc. I don’t disregard someone because of a one-off response that I don’t like, but I do see how it plays out over time. And this isn’t a “are they worthy” kind of experiment, it’s an “are we a good fit”?
Your page and honesty has really helped me through my divorce. I didn’t feel like there was a man out there that could have all of the attributes I need. I thought I was wrong for wanting more. You have helped me see that I’m not wrong. The right guy is still out there. I hope that you are keeping your cup filled as you pour into all of us. How do you take care of your soul?
Thank you for the love! I go to therapy and workout nearly every day, I read fun books, spend time with friends, take long walks with my dog, and sometimes meditate or do yoga. I also just laugh a lot as much as possible with everyone around me!
Christina: I’m going through a divorce. The best advice I got was doubling down on your friendships and hobbies if you can. I kept running away from my life while married. But now I want to create the life I want it takes work and courage but so did staying married and leaving him! My soul feels good with the love of my friends and doing the things I want now. I don’t have to drag anyone to do anything they don’t want to do. It’s liberating! We got this!
I am in a similar situation, trying to create a new life for myself after my divorce. It is hard after being a wife for 27 years and my 2 sons not needing me as much, my predefined roles of wife and mother. But I am slowly getting there, making new friends and hobbies.
How do you prevent anxiety and fears from steering the ship in life? I have really struggled with this as I hit my late 30s. I care so much about what people think and anxiety seems to be getting the best of me. I need to control this better and let things go and not fall in this spiral.
Oh, this is a great question, and something. struggle with often. I find that a lot of my life is steered or stemmed by fear. It's one of the primary emotions that I struggle expressing and letting go of. So, I still get ruled by fear, and when I can, try to remember that the fear is there to tell me something. Often it's to prevent me from getting hurt, or to protect me from getting rejected, ridiculed, or to look like I don't know what I'm doing.
If I'm lucky, I recognize it as something to pay attention to but not to stop me from doing something bold and courageous.
I also try to live with a lot of faith that things will work out for me, and if they don't, there will be a big lesson for me there.
So basically, do it scared. And life is too short to play small.
The best piece of advice I ever got about this was also" what other people think of you is none of your business."
Is there anything in particular you're scared of doing?
Katie, I wasted a lot of my time and created anxiety for myself by worrying about what others think of me in my 30’s. I’m now in my late 50’s and I’ll say in true GenX fashion I’m living up to that stereotype and I really don’t GAF what people think of my decisions, what I wear, how I cut my hair, whatever the “it” is. I am done living my life pleasing other people or worrying about their opinion of me or any fears. Am I going to fail if I try something new and don’t know what I’m doing? Maybe. Fear freezes us from becoming amazing, or from failing and learning from those failures, or maybe from embarrassment. But who cares? At least we tried something.
I have been the primary caregiver for my husband for over 7 years. Unfortunately, he is facing a terminal illness and has been diagnosed with a very rare condition. Currently, he resides with me, although our romantic relationship ended over 8 years ago. Despite this, I have chosen to remain by his side and provide unwavering support as he requires. Sometimes certain orbits that we occupy leave us with choices that are not really choices - right? After 5-6 years of celibacy I decided to test dating waters (needs defied principles).
We have an arrangement “do not ask do not tell”, respecting his wishes. I find that single men have difficulty dating me. Their only intention is fwb type of relationship because of my situation. I am emotionally and physically available and am a very confident woman that knows what she wants. However, I sometimes wonder if i should be upfront with my situation or not… but it is important to me to be honest. My question is, do you think it is beneficial to bring it up before i meet them, or wait after a few dates (after they get to know me a bit)?
Wow, this sounds challenging and I'm so glad that you've decided to make your needs a priority. Honestly, I have no clue. I would try both and see what happens, but also, I don't think it's going to matter. For the right man, it's going to be a non-issue. Your situation isn't the most common but it's not unheard of. Hopefully, someone can chime in with another answer or their own experience.
Thank you for getting back to me! My situation is a bit unconventional, and I would really appreciate hearing from someone who has gone through something similar or knows someone who has had a comparable experience.
It's super inspiring that you have faced the reality of your situation and have decided to take care of yourself as well as care for your loved one. It's a brave decision to choose ourselves through our circumstances and obligations. I think this is particularly difficult for caregivers.
Check out the book "The Ethical Slut" by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton. I know they address this exact topic in one of the chapters. I also believe one of the authors found herself in this situation. Both also do podcasts as guests so you might find them speaking about it in that context. Big hug ❤️
Hi Shaun 🙋🏻♀️ I’m so sorry Insta has been a troublesome spot lately, I have enjoyed you there for a couple years now. I also want to give my condolences for your Dad, I can only imagine how difficult that has been for you. I am curious how you like Montreal, especially coming from the West. I love your ease with which you answer everyone’s questions and comments, I’m sure it can be draining at times. I’d like to offer a huge ((hug)) and thank you for inviting people to this platform, I’ve never been here before.
Thank you, and welcome! I hope you'll enjoy it.
I love Montreal, it's where I'm from and where I was raised until the age of 13, when we moved to the states. Then, after 20 years in California, I loved back for 5 years. Montreal will always be home, and it doesn't hurt that I speak French, something that helps a lot here with getting connected, thought it's necessary.
I grew up in California and have also lived in Nevada and Arizona. I’ve been in Michigan for almost 25 years and I love it here.
Good morning. My mom died six months ago and I find myself isolating and being quiet. I feel like these past six months space and time haven’t existed. (Like how is it September?) I quit dating apps because I was like, there’s no way you are going to meet “Kevin” on a Thursday night. 😂 just no.
However, I also realize life keeps moving and I can’t seem to find a way out of wanting to be alone. I have loving friends and family, an excellent super system and even small interactions feel exhausting. I’m in therapy and coaching, so building a toolkit of skills. AND yet I don’t know how to move out of this space, feeling better alone.
I’m not who I was and yet, not entirely sure how to be who I am after losing my mom.
I'm sorry for your loss, and I think you're exactly where you need to be. Quiet and alone is what I needed too. And after awhile, I got the fuck out of Arizona and jumped back into life in Montreal and it's been life-giving. You're probably not quite there yet, and that's OK.
You're already dong a lot as it is, and grieving on top of that. Give yourself a break and trust that you'll know when you're ready.
Hey Shaun! Thank you in advance for your time. I met a woman who was going through a divorce back in March. We hit it off quickly and started spending entire weekends together and going on day trips. She is incredible, so much chemistry and even better, a shared hobby. About 3 months after we met, her divorce is finalized. A couple days later, she calls me to define the relationship. I made the mistake of bringing things up that I think may be problems in the future for us, basically stating that I have cold feet. My feet eventually warmed and I told her that I have feelings for her that are more than friendly. Unfortunately, she told me that she moved on and is now with another guy, but we can still be friends. I took this very poorly once I got home. A couple days later when we saw each other, she was very short with me, as if I didn’t exist anymore. I apologized for bringing future problems into the present, but she now speaks to me in almost a cruel way (in my opinion) when I attempt to get us to a point of friendship, almost like she hates me. In your opinion, is there anything I can do to “fight” for the relationship and if so, how do I do that? Fighting for a relationship is not something I’m familiar with doing. Unfortunately, even after 2 months, she’s who I think of when I wake up, go to bed, participate in our shared hobby, etc.
Yikes, I'm so sorry this happened!
I don't think there's much you can do other than to reach out and say something like: "Well, I'm bummed this ended the way it did. It sounds like friendship isn't in the cards either, and I wish I'd never expressed cold feet to you, but here we are. I've loved getting to know you, and if ever open to reconnecting, feel free to reach out. Take good care."
And then, move on.
To be fair, even though you can't stop thinking about her, the way she ended things speaks to her character and being short and cruel are big red flags to be aware of.
Might be time for a new hobby partner. (Is it pickleball?)
Thank you, Shaun, and thank you for your reply, I'm sorry it happened, too.
Also, thank you for the recommendation on what to say. I'll give it a shot and stay alert to the red flags you mentioned if we reconnect. i think this may be a situation of high chemistry but low compatibility. i remember my body feeling "activated" when we were together at times, almost as if my body knew something i didn't.
As much as i don't want to admit it, It might be time for a new hobby partner. It's cycling, a hobby that we share, too. I haven't played pickleball before, should i give it a shot?
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Thanks Jason, and I think listening to your body is very important in this case. High chemistry low compatibility is a recipe for heartache, even if she's a fun cycling partner. A lot of people like to cycle, I'm sure you can find a new partner!
Pickleball isn't for me but lots of people love it. Crossfit has been doing it for me, though.
Thank you, Shaun. I agree, I think listening to my body was important. It's a mega bummer that we may have been high chemistry, low compatibility, and that combination led to heartache.
Thank you for being hopeful for me that I can find a new cycling partner!
I'll keep an eye out for an opportunity to try out both pickleball and crossfit.
Some interesting things i've noticed since the split: i'm listening to attached by amir levine and rachel heller and noticed i'm both anxious and avoidant, so i'll be working on becoming more secure in my attachment style. also, i think my low self esteem worked to push this woman away. time for therapy.
thank you again, Shaun.
Hello, I’m on a flight right now to see my daughter, she is 32, married, one daughter 17 months old, she was 9 weeks pregnant with baby #2 and had a miscarriage today. She is devastated, and I am going out to be with her for 10 days. Her husband has to go out of town for his job tomorrow. My question is..what is the best way to comfort her. My heart is breaking for her, and I want to navigate this with compassion and love. I want to say all the things like, it’s gonna be ok, you can have more babies, but I know those seem inappropriate right now. I know I just need to sit with her and her grief, and just be there. But any insights on how to navigate this would be appreciated! I am also very very sad! But I know I need to be strong for her! Thanks!
As someone who has experienced miscarriage/child loss and has many women close to me who have as well - my best advice is to just listen. Take her lead - if she wants to talk let her or if she doesn’t want to that’s okay too. Many of my friends have said they feel isolated because the people around them either minimize what happened or try to avoid the topic and act as if it never happened. She is lucky to have you as a mom, who is thoughtful and caring enough to even ask this question. Just having someone there so she can process without feeling like she needs to take care of anyone else is huge. I know I’m not Shaun- but I thought I’d share my 2 cents.
I really appreciate you chiming; your responses have been so helpful. I want to empower people to comment on each others situations if they feel called to and stay loving and helpful!
Connie, thank you so much for your kind words, they helped me very much! I really appreciate your thoughtful advice! I am still on my way, won’t get there til late tonight, but I will keep those thoughts in my heart as we navigate this tragedy! I understand completely about people not wanting to bring up something painful, I know people do that because they don’t know what to say or they are afraid of making you sad. My brother passed away 30+ years ago and right after everyone asked how I was doing, but after a few months it stops, but I really did like it when people asked about him or talked about him. Kept his memory alive! And I still talk about him, you never stop that! I will remember that, and again, thank you! 🩷
Christy I’m so glad my words were helpful! I wish the best for you and your daughter during this difficult time. I think your instinct is right - often people are very supportive right after something happens and then as time passes and things settle down it can feel very lonely. Continuing to check in with her as time goes on would probably be a good idea. 💜
I don’t have a question but I just wanted to express my love and gratitude to you Shaun. I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling this week, it feels like a tough time for so many people right now. Please know that you have been such a lifeline to me while dating over the last couple of years, your advice has been invaluable. Having some time off the scene atm as it’s not been great for my mental health (too many ghosters doing my head in 🙄) but still loving the content. You’re amazing 💛
Thank you Helen, this is very sweet to read. It warms my heart.
I had pancreatic cancer 6 years ago. I am cancer free and healthy, but have a scar (that I see as sexy and badass). Do you think that people would be hesitant to date me because of the risk of recurrence for me? (55yo cis F, hetero romantic)
Congrats on being cancer free! Honestly, I don't think this plays into people's analysis of whether they should date you, especially since you're cancer free and don't expect it to come back. Even people with cancer can have a healthy sex and love life.
Also, if this does scare someone away, they're were a good fit for you!
And, there's always the risk that someone you love will die, so there's no more risk for you than another random person. Plus, you have the added bonus of a cool scar and story to tell.
Hi Roisin,
Congratulations on the all clear! And you are right, I am much richer in character having gone through tough times. I'm sure you are too. Great reminders. Wishing you so well on your health and love journey!!
xxoo
Thanks! You are right, if it is a scare to someone, they should move on. I am a badass and fearless woman who happens to be a lot of fun. Thanks for reminding me of that. Really.