What I'm struggling with these days

The six things currently keeping me up at night

Photo credit by the fabulous @divinebeinghuman

Losing my hair and my connection to my father, financial insecurity, and feelings of hopelessness in the love department. You know, the little stuff. 

I've had a few nights of insomnia, eventually falling asleep at 2 AM rather than my normal 10 PM, and I decided to write about it to give my anxieties a little bit of space to breathe.

Some are related to my self-worth and add to the narrative that I'll never find love or that no one will want to be with me long-term, and some are more fleeting and the "worry of the month."

Also, these are very personal and self-focused. I don't spend too much time thinking about the injustices in the world, and for better or worse, that's how I'm wired. It's a privilege not to worry about safe shelter, nutritious food, and the health and safety of myself and my loved ones.

My life is good. I know that. I have more than most. I have an exciting career, loving friends, a healthy body and mind (mostly), and hobbies that fulfill me. And no matter how good I have it, it doesn't negate my struggles or challenges. We all struggle, no matter how good our lives are.

My mom always says, "I'm doing great; I don't have anything to complain about." That keeps her from feeling the pain she walks around with. She doesn't think she deserves to feel challenging emotions or to complain because she "has everything she needs." But just because others have it worse doesn't mean you can't feel your disappointment or pain.

Here's what's keeping me up at night these days.

I'm losing my hair

This one is a doozy for me, people. I love my hair and have always loved my hair. I started going grey at 16 years old and have loved it ever since. I've always had nice, thick hair with a beautiful hairline and always looked older, wiser, and more distinguished because of it.

My Jack Sparrow phase bac in who knows when

And, for the last few years, it's been thinning. My barber first mentioned it some four years ago. It didn't bother me initially, but in the past year or so, it's gotten more noticeable in the crown and thinner overall. You really can't tell from the front, but it's obvious when I bend over to tie my shoe.

I'm not willing to take any medication that comes with potential side effects or get a hair transplant, so keeping it short or buzzing it are my only options.

Accepting that we all age and grieving the parts of us that we lose is crucial to living a fulfilling life. But, also, I wouldn't say I like it.

Here’s a video of me buzzing it for the first time.

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Fear that I will hurt everyone I love

The fear that I will hurt everyone I love sometimes stops me from pursuing love or romance with someone.

When I see a new person I'm interested in, I can already picture myself losing interest and hurting or disappointing them. It's incredibly presumptuous to think I'll leave them before they leave me, but I sometimes, unconsciously, make sure that happens so I don't get hurt.

Also, I overanalyze whether someone will be good for me long term and write them off as not a fit, which prevents me from exploring something that could be just right if I just gave it a chance. This keeps me single and alone.