Longing for love but waking up lonely

My fear of being seen and what partnership means for me

Most days, I wake up lonely.

When 6:30 AM rolls around, I start waking up. No alarm, and it doesnt matter what time I went to bed. As soon as I begin to stir, so does Roger, my dog. And then I invite him into the bed to snuggle for a little bit before getting up.

While snuggling a warm dog on a cool morning is delightful, it's no replacement for a warm, loving body to help me greet the day.

Mornings are hard for me. I usually wake up feeling blue, dreading the day, and ruminating about my life.

As the day goes on, my mood improves. I drink coffee, walk the dog, and get some work done. By noon, I'm usually feeling content and hopeful about my life, especially as I roll into the gym for a fun strength training class (gotta keep that bone density up, people!)

But those mornings are rough. It's when I feel the most alone and longing for someone to see me.

Here's the truth: I struggle with being seen when I'm not well. Since I live alone, I'm in charge of when I see people. And when I'm blue, sad, depressed, or scared, I stay home or keep to myself until it passes.

I don't know how to be with people when I'm not my funny, charming, easy-going Shaun. I'm scared that people will leave, scold me, or tell me to snap out of it. Or that my mood will impact them so much that I'll have to snap out of it to take care of them.

I'm scared that no one will be able to handle the full depth and breadth of my emotional experience or that no no one will love the less loveable parts of me.

The unlovable love coach

And underneath all that is the fear that deep down, I'm not lovable.

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Message to free subscribers: I'm about to share my vision for what real partnership looks like for me, from morning coffee rituals to butt-touching at bedtime. Subscribe now to continue reading about the love I'm looking for (and perhaps recognize what you're looking for).

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