The overwhelming comfort of being single

On my relationship history, my disorganized attachment style, and finding someone to help me unpack my baggage.

I'm too comfortable being single.

I know I can't be the only one going through this, and it feels strange to admit this. I'm the love coach, the guy who's supposed to have all the answers to finding love and being in love, and yet, the older I get, the less I know. There's a humility there, a lack of hubris, where I don't pretend to have it all figured out. And maybe that's why you enjoy this writing because I'm not pretending like I have it all figured out. Because I don't, and to me, that's obvious.

Someone left a comment on a video clip from my podcast We Can Do Better, and they said,

"Shaun is just TOO honest."

They didn't mean it badly, and I didn't take offense to it. You can read that as, "Shaun says what he thinks all the time, and that can be hurtful," but that's not how I took it. I took it more as the fact that I'm comfortable with vulnerability, and I often say the things that some people are scared or ashamed to admit.

Brene Brown, the queen of shame and vulnerability, has shown and taught us that opening up and being honest is a healing balm for our wounds, and I think that's what I'm trying to do here. Heal myself by being honest about my experience. The added benefit is that some of you will recognize yourself in my story or now have words for a situation you struggled to identify. So, thank you for letting me be honest here. It feels good to me, and I hope it feels good to you too.

I'm also slowly coming to terms with the fact that I have a disorganized attachment style. While that might be a scary diagnosis, it's pretty soothing to know that there's a reason for the difficulties I experience in relationships. I'm not just pushing people away because I'm scared of love; I possess a confusing mix of coping strategies designed to help keep me safe, and some of those strategies keep me single more often than not.

I came across this comment on my daily Reddit scroll (my new obsession) that I enjoyed:

"When attachment is described, it's usually presented as one healthy (secure) and three unhealthy (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized). This is inaccurate: 3 organized attachment styles (secure, anxious, or avoidant) and one disorganized style.

This means that in infancy, the developing mind finds an organizing pattern that effectively maintains consistent responses from the caregiver. This pattern then became how the mind organized itself in dealing with reality: secure patterns of flexible interaction, avoidant patterns of distance and shutting down, or anxious patterns of seeking closeness and expressing emotional distress.

However, disorganized attachment means no pattern produces consistent responses from the caregivers. So, the mind starts throwing things at the wall and seeing what sticks. It has no pattern, consistent reactions, or perspectives to focus on. [edited for clarity]"

That's a long-winded introduction to my realization that I am very comfortable in my singleness—maybe even, dare I say, too comfortable?

Relationship? Maybe I’ll get more tattoos.

Here’s my complete relationship history: If we start counting at sixteen, I've been single about half of my datable life.

My high school sweetheart and I met when I was dating her best friend.

The best friend and I broke up, and the sweetheart and I reconnected six months later over AOL instant messenger and had cybersex.