Ten things I love and hate about dating apps

What I learned in 15 years of using dating app and how to use them effectively without burning out.

I've dated online on and off since my first profile on OKCupid in 2010. Today, I'll share what I love and hate about dating apps, how to use them effectively without burning out, and what I've learned in 15 years of dating online. Next week, I'll give you a sneak peek at my dating profile.

What I love about online dating:

I've met three past girlfriends on dating apps, and while we didn't date for more than a year, they all felt like very significant relationships for me. Because of this, I keep returning to online dating, hoping to meet my next partner online.

I've met some of the most fantastic sex partners/lovers from dating apps. You can be bold about what you're looking for and see who responds to your profile. My male friend and I even created an OKCupid profile in SF called "Playpals" (back when you could use screen names instead of your real name) to find women up for threesomes. We managed to have one very fun threesome with a very willing participant.

It's fun to swipe on profiles, like scrolling Instagram and looking at memes and reels. Of course, there's a limit to it, but it's fun and exciting initially. It’s like shopping for your ideal partner.

It's helped me improve my dating skills, ask women out, keep my expectations low, and identify what I'm looking for (and not looking for). Using dating apps can help you improve your dating skills.

Going on dates while traveling can be fun and exciting and a great way to meet locals. Just be upfront that you're passing through so as not to anger the locals.

I've gotten much better at dealing with rejection and getting ghosted or unmatched. I've learned not to take it personally and that someone ghosting me has much more to do with the person ghosting than me.

What I hate about online dating:

It sometimes makes me lazy. I'm less likely to approach people in real life than on dating apps. I sometimes feel that finding my partner will happen from the comfort of my couch when I know that I'm probably more likely to find someone I connect with in real life by going to events, hanging out with friends (and their friends), and generally being out and about in the world.

Somewhat connected, it's much harder now to talk with strangers and ask them if they're single, available, and interested in going out. It feels much bolder to do now that we have an acceptable option for finding available dates. I used to routinely tell people they were cute and ask if they were single and wanted to go on a date, but I haven't done that in years, which makes me sad.

I think the grass is greener on the other side, so I keep my options open and keep scrolling and matching even if I've found someone interesting to date. I'm not talking blow-your-socks-off chemistry, but if I'm curious about someone, I often still match with others, and I don't like it. It sometimes feels like there's an unending stream of good potential options and that perhaps the next match will be better than the current one.

I often match with someone, start chatting with them, and lose all desire to keep the conversation going. Sometimes, it's because of their lack of effort, but often because I'm jaded and feeling hopeless about finding love online.

Somewhat connected, but 1/3 of people online will never meet up. They're either window shopping, just doing it for fun, or in a relationship and have zero intention of meeting up. So, it can often feel like a waste of time.

It's a waste of time. It can be a huge time suck. I sometimes scroll profiles like I scroll Instagram, mindlessly looking for a dopamine hit or a distraction from the mundane.

Sometimes, I match, and sometimes, I don't. It can feel demoralizing to get few or no matches, and it affects my self-esteem if I'm not feeling grounded, loving, and happy in my daily life.

There's no real-life chemistry gauge. You can have banging text chemistry with someone and zero in-person chemistry. It's a massive letdown to be so excited about someone, only for it to fall flat in person.

A profile doesn't accurately reflect the person you're going to meet. Some people use old photos and flattering poses, which rarely represent who they are and what they look like. It's a double-edged sword because some folks are great at marketing themselves, and you're disappointed when you meet, while others are terrible at it and delightful in person. Unfortunately, the lovely people with "bad" profiles aren't going to get many matches.

As you can tell, what I hate about online dating outweighs what I love about it, and yet, I still do it sometimes. So, here's what I do to stay sane and not waste so much time using dating apps

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What I've learned, and how to use online dating apps without burning out.

You don't *have* to pay for premium access, but it can be helpful in some instances. When looking for sex in Thailand, I went through my allocated likes (people I could swipe right on) for the day and ponied up for premium access. Sometimes, it's nice to have more swipes, but you can make do with the free version for the most part. Having limited swipes limits your time on the app, which is a good thing.

Use only one app at a time. Pick one for a bit and stick with it. Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Feeld, etc. You don't need three apps. Again, constraints are good here because they'll help prevent dating app burnout. When it comes to apps, less is more.

Speaking of less is more, limit your dating app use to no more than 20 minutes a day. That includes swiping, matching, and texting. Set a limit on your phone and try to stick with it. You don't need to be accessible 100% of the time, and people won't lose interest in a day. If they do, they're not for you.

Skip the small talk and get to the first date quickly. If you feel safe doing so, limit your back-and-forth and ask them out for coffee or a walk. You'll waste less time doing an in-person vibe check over coffee for 45 minutes than if you spent hours texting and fantasizing about this new person. You won't know how you feel about this person until you're before them.

Unmatch quickly. If you're not feeling it, unmatch them—no need to explain yourself or feel bad about it. If you haven't met, there's no expectation of explaining yourself to them. It can feel rude and disrespectful, but it's more about self-care than anything. Also, ain't nobody got time to explain to strangers what they don't like about them.

Have no or low expectations. Expect not to vibe with the person on your first date. First dates are vibe checks only to see if you're curious enough about them to see them again. That's it. The goal of the first date is to see if you like them enough to see them again, nothing more. We're not evaluating them for anything more than that or trying to get them to like us.

After the meeting, if you're not feeling it, say it. There's no need to ghost. "Hey, meeting you was fun, but I'm not feeling the flirty vibes I'm looking for! Take good care, and best of luck." That's it—that's all. Short and sweet. Then unmatch.

Delete your profile when you need a break, and recreate it when you're ready to return. You're constantly changing, and a fresh dating profile can bring some life back into your matching game. It'll also help you not stress too much about your profile. Keep what worked and change the rest.

Or delete your profile altogether and go old-school. Get back to meeting people in real life, go to a meetup.com group, ask friends to set you up, talk to strangers and ask them out, join a new running club I heard they're the latest dating apps), anything. All these will help you grow more than mindlessly swiping looking for prince(ss) charming.

There are fantastic people on dating apps. And there are total zeros. It’s a mixed bag, for sure. You never know what you’re gonna get. So, it’s up to you whether you want to give it a try, another try, or skip it altogether. It’s not for the faint of heart, but it’s an interesting experiment that could yield exciting, sexy, and fun experiences. Or not. 😅

Thank you for reading and drop a comment. I love hearing from you!