My struggle with depression

On starting over, my move to LA, and current emotional landscape.

Welp, it's been a hard month for me, and it’s difficult to admit. I love being vulnerable about what's happening to me, and at the same time, I often feel embarrassed about it.

"How am I still struggling so hard?" and "Won't people just get tired of me complaining all the time?"

And dang, I don't know what else to do. Because while I want to write what’s useful, I also can’t help but write what’s real for me. And the reality is that I’m struggling, and that’s not new.

I struggle a lot. Not all the time, but often enough for me to wonder what's wrong with me. And enough to think that sometimes, maybe taking antidepressants would help.

And then my therapist says, "A little white pill to make everything better? Is that what you want?"

"I mean, yeah, that would be nice," I reply.

But I see what she's saying. It would be nice to take a little pill to keep the demons at bay, and that's what I did for 10 years when I used to self-medicate with weed, alcohol, and drugs (pills of all shapes and colors!)

And I also know that I don't fit the profile of someone who needs antidepressants. I get depressed at times, often due to life circumstances, but I don't think I struggle with clinical depression.

I suffer from "life is really hard sometimes but also life is really beautiful, too."

Most of my depression is circumstantial. My father dying and my relationship ending, for example. Or the challenges of moving to a new city (Los Angeles, here I come). Or the grief I experience of not being in a relationship even though, man, I want to be. I want that so much right now. But, maybe I’m the one getting in the way of myself.