I may never have children

Accepting a child-free life, the challenges of staying in a relationship, and hoping I don't regret it.

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Lately, I've been coming to terms with the idea that I may never have children, and I'm not sure how to feel about it.

I always thought I would have two kids by age thirty, yet here I am, 42 years old and not even in a relationship with someone I could potentially have kids with.

Yesterday, I walked into Silverlake to have coffee and noticed a couple hanging out with their adult children. They were all heads down on their phones, but now and then, they engaged with each other playfully and happily. They teased, laughed, and seemed to enjoy each other.

I went to the coffee shop to doodle. I’m trying to find other things to do when I’m out and about than scroll on my phone. Doodling is fun.

It reminded me of moments I had with my family growing up.

And I felt sad that I may never have this experience, the experience of being a loving dad to children. Having kids might not be in the cards for me, and there's a tenderness there. But also some acceptance, too.

I know my biological clock is on a different schedule, and the pressure to have kids isn't present like it is for women. This lack of pressure means I'm not particularly hungry to have children or to be in a rush to meet someone to have them with.

People ask me all the time, "Do you want children?"

And the answer has changed from "definitely" to "I'm not sure. I'd like to find someone to be in a relationship with and together we can explore that possibility."

And that has proved to be more complicated than I thought. All my relationships have ended before we could get serious about having kids.