10 things I look for in a lover

How to be great at sex

Quick note: If you're tired of making dating feel like a performance review, I'm doing a crash course pep talk on June 14 called Drama-Free Dating. We're covering how to meet people (online and in real life), bounce back from rejection, and actually enjoy the process instead of dreading it. Plus, a big ass Q&A. Early bird pricing is $39 through June 10; after that, it increases to $49. Get details here.

Now, onto the post.

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I haven't been writing about sex much lately, and that's a shame. Sex is one of our most powerful ways to connect with others and ourselves.

When approached with love, awareness, and skill, it becomes far more than physical pleasure. It's healing, transformative, and deeply intimate.

Through my experiences as someone who's always valued deep connection, including my time giving erotic massages years ago, I've learned that great sex isn't primarily about technique. It's about presence, communication, and emotional attunement.

So, what makes someone truly great in bed? Here's what I look for in a lover and what I believe creates juicy and fulfilling sexual experiences for everyone involved.

10 Qualities that make someone great at sex

1. You're fully present

Presence is 80% of great sex. I'd rather be with someone whose technique is clumsy but who's completely there with me than someone skilled but mentally checked out.

What presence looks like: You're connected to what's happening in your body right now: the sensations, your breathing, the warmth between you.

When your mind wanders (and it will), you gently bring your attention back to the physical experience and your partner.

In practice: Instead of thinking about your to-do list during oral sex, you notice the taste, texture, and your partner's responses. You feel your own arousal building rather than performing what you think looks sexy.

Common obstacle: Many people dissociate during sex due to past trauma, performance anxiety, or habit. If this happens, start small and focus on one sensation at a time, like your partner's skin temperature or your own breathing.

What presence might look like.

2. You give and receive feedback gracefully

Can you say "I love that" in the moment? Can you also say, "That's not quite working for me," without shame or defensiveness?

What this looks like: "Could you go a little slower?" or "Yes, exactly like that". Or, if you've gone non-verbal, can you moan your way through it? When your partner offers guidance, you respond with curiosity rather than a wounded ego.

The mindset shift: There's no manual for any individual's body. What worked with your ex might not work with your current partner. Feedback isn't criticism; it's co-created ecstasy.

When words feel hard: If talking during sex feels awkward, commit to brief check-ins afterward. "What did you love most?" or "Is there anything you'd like me to do differently next time?"

3. You're open to exploration

This means being willing to try new things, revisit old experiences with a fresh perspective, and question your automatic "no" responses.

Important distinction: Openness doesn't mean ignoring your boundaries. It means examining whether your boundaries are based on current reality or outdated experiences that no longer apply.

Example:

"I didn't like anal before because it was rushed and painful. I'm open to trying again if we go extremely slowly and you check in with me constantly."

Start small: You don't need to jump into elaborate scenarios. Try a new position, different lighting, or simply changing the pace you usually prefer.

4. You take full responsibility for your pleasure

You are 100% responsible for advocating for what you want and need. If you won't speak up for your pleasure, who will?

What this sounds like:

• "I really want to come tonight. Can you help me with that?"

• "I need more foreplay to really get warmed up."

• "This position isn't working for me. Let's try something else."

The hard truth: The orgasm gap in heterosexual relationships is real, and it won't close unless people speak up. If your partner consistently doesn't prioritize your pleasure after you've communicated your needs, that's valuable information about compatibility.

Practical step: Before your next sexual encounter, identify one specific thing you want to ask for.

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These first four qualities form the foundation of a great sexual connection. But there's so much more to explore - from navigating sexual health conversations that actually turn people on to the specific ways great lovers handle boundaries and consent that make everyone feel safer and more adventurous.

The remaining 6 insights dive deeper into what separates good lovers from the ones you'll dream about.