I got sober on August 1st, 2008. Today marks sixteen years of total abstinence from all drugs and alcohol. I wouldn't be here if I hadn't stopped drinking and using drugs when I did.
The way I partied, it was a matter of time until I got the combo wrong. My therapist asked me once to describe what I used on a normal weekend, and even I was surprised when I stopped to think about it. The pile I had described was enough to kill someone with less of a tolerance. And with the rise of fentanyl in nearly all drugs, there's no way I would have survived.
I'm an addict and always will be. When I find something that makes me feel good, I use it until I can't stop. At first, it was weed and cigarettes, and eventually, I graduated to MDMA, cocaine, and crystal meth. Now it's Ben and Jerry's Phish food, mindless scrolling, and external validation. More on that later.
Drugs and alcohol were my solution to sobriety because life on its own was too raw, painful, and complicated. I didn't know what to do with all my emotions, and that first joint made them all irrelevant. I could file them away for later, and as long as I stayed high, they could stay filed away indefinitely for all I cared.
And that's what I did for ten years. I used, drank, and numbed my way through my late teens and early twenties. After smoking that first joint, I didn't spend a single day sober until I walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous on August 1st, 2008, and never used or drank again. I started feeling again at the age of twenty-five, and I had much catching up to do.
I'm keeping my story short because I want to focus on what my life has been like since I got sober and the gifts it's given me rather than focus on how my life was before I got sober. I promise to tell you more about the debaucherous years before getting sober because, for all the pain and chaos I caused, they weren't all bad times.
Here’s what I love about life without drugs or alcohol
1. Sober sex is great
When I first got sober, I didn't know how to flirt, kiss, have sex, or engage in any sort of romantic activity without at least having one drink, and often, many more. College was an alcohol-fueled blur, and I depended on liquid courage to get myself to talk to women.
I remember talking to my therapist about how awkward everything was without alcohol, and I can vividly remember him saying, "Awkward, or natural?"
Natural. It's natural to flirt, court, and have sex without alcohol. Sobriety is our default state, so it's the most natural state to operate from. And, it's also the one that allows us to feel everything that's happening. Your senses are not dulled; they are unaltered. This makes everything more intense, as much the pleasure that comes from exploring a sexual connection to the anxiety you might feel leading up to it.
Alcohol gives you liquid courage, but without it, you need to muster up real courage to get through what might scare you. You'll learn more about what you're capable of without it. And, it's a disinhibitor, so you're more likely to do something you otherwise wouldn't if you weren't under the influence.
Life without alcohol is more in line with your natural self.
2. I can feel again
This is probably the biggest gift of sobriety. It has given me the ability to feel again.
At first, it was overwhelming. I felt everything all the time, and I had no tools to deal with them. I was a live, exposed wire. I felt split open, raw, and at the mercy of the littlest upset. My emotions often held me hostage and wreaked havoc in my life.
If this sounds like hell, it was, but only until I could learn how to decode, accept, and eventually live with my emotions. My emotions are here to inform me and for the first time, I started listening.
The first few years of sobriety were confusing because I felt free from the clutches of my nightmarish drinking and using habits but also 100% at the mercy of the plethora of challenging, painful, and downright scary emotions I felt on an hourly basis.
When I was using, I only felt the strongest of emotions. There was nothing between "everything is fine" and blind rage. When I got sober, I started paying attention more, learning the language of emotions, and developing the sensitivity required to feel the more subtle emotional shifts inside. I could feel when I was slightly annoyed, irritated, or mad, and could do something about it before letting it get into a murderous rage. My emotions informed me what steps I should take. What needs weren't being met, and what could I do?
And more importantly, I started feeling the pleasant emotions that I'd only felt under the influence of drugs and alcohol. Sure, they weren't as intense as coming up on MDMA, but over time, I felt joy, bliss, and happiness on a more sustainable and constant level.
The highs weren't as high, and the lows weren't as low, but over time, my baseline happiness was slowly increasing.
3. Bye-bye, hangovers, and feeling like shit.
The day I got sober is the day I said goodbye to hangovers forever (well, for today, at least.)
I still go out, I still party, I still go to Burning Man (though it's been a few years). I just don't use drugs and alcohol anymore, and I drink lots of water. When I wake up after staying out late, I'm only tired, not tired, dehydrated, hungover, and hating life.
Sure, I can't stay out as late and as long as I used to, but that's a good thing. I remember (barely) marathon party sessions that spanned several days, with no real breaks for rest, food, or hygiene. Just blasting straight through 72 hours of parties, booze, drugs, and debauchery. Do I remember shitting myself on several occasions? No. But can I guarantee it didn't happen? Also, no.
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