"I don't want to be here."

On my relationship to my therapist, hiding my true self, and being a moody guy.

"I don't want to be here," I told my therapist.

That's how I started my therapy session yesterday. 

"And yet, you're here," she replies. Not smugly, but it had a hint of smugness to it, like how a Key Lime LaCroix has a hint of lime to it.

But it's more likely that she's just happy to see me.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm her favorite client.

It's a silly thing to think, but the more I know myself, the more I'm starting to accept that I want people to like me, including my therapist. I hate the idea that some people just don't like me, which is hilarious because I tell people all the time, "What people think of you is none of your business."

So you know, do as I say, not as I do.

Regardless of how happy she is to see me, I still didn't want to be there. At all. 

She has a couch that I sometimes pretend to throw myself onto after I walk in, crestfallen and mopey. I never do because I always choose the chair directly in front of her.

"Does anyone ever lay on the couch?" I ask her. 

"Not really. My colleague uses it for psychoanalysis."

The print that I’ve been looking at for over 6 years in my therapist’s office.

My therapist has a very humanistic gestalt approach to her work. I wasn't looking for that when I first started seeing her, but I like her approach. It's very kind and understanding. She doesn't give advice, and she's not impartial either. 

I've had two therapists in my life, one that I saw for several years in my early twenties, who is partially responsible for helping me get sober. He was the first person who suggested I go to AA, find a sponsor, and work the 12 steps. Which I did because I wanted him to like me.

I've seen my current therapist regularly for the past five or six years.

When I'm in Montreal, we do in-person sessions; otherwise, we meet on Zoom—every week. 

I've gotten lucky in the therapy department; I've liked both my therapists. The first I found while going down the list of therapists near my work who accepted insurance, and this current one was a referral from a friend.

It helps that she's attractive and could be the healthy archetype of someone I might want to settle down with.